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Sunday, January 25, 2015

The One Skill Every Child Must Have to Survive

 

Last week marked the beginning of winter semester at the university where my son Alex attends college. He and I caught up after his first day of classes and chatted about his day.

Just when I thought our little chat was drawing to a close, Alex said something that promptly reinvigorated the conversation. He casually mentioned that he’d had a tough time getting around school that day. Apparently the campus was swarming with parents who were hanging out, introducing themselves to the professors, looking for things, and even attending classes with their children.

I was suddenly intrigued and bursting with questions…

Really?
Was it parents’ day?
Were there problems at the airport, forcing parents to stay in Tucson?
Were the parents actually sitting in on the classes?
Were the kids embarrassed, sitting with their parents in college classes?
Were the professors annoyed?

 Alex explained that it was not parent’s day, nor were there any issues at the airport that he was aware of. Some friends had informed him that not only did parents introduce themselves to the professors and sit in on the classes, but a few raised their hands to ask questions on behalf of their children. Surprisingly, the kids seemed to be fine with the unofficial “bring your parents to college day” but there was some serious eye-rolling going on among the professors. 

At first I thought the whole thing was a little weird and kind of funny. It simply never occurred to me to attend college classes with my kids. I just presumed that if they were old enough to enroll in college, they were capable of introducing themselves to the professors, finding nourishment, and locating their classrooms without my assistance.

 Later, I was struck by how unfunny the whole thing actually was. This sort of thing is a symptom of a problem that cripples many middle-class kids. Well-meaning parents have become so fearful regarding their kids’ safety, comfort level, and overall happiness that they have gone to extremes to shield their kids from harm or distress. In the process, some have missed the entire point of parenting and failed to teach the one skill everyone needs to survive in this world: Self-management

Self-managers know when they are hungry, tired, cranky or sick and they understand how to deal with those issues appropriately. Self-mangers are not afraid to participate in life because they know how to recognize and protect themselves from dangerous people and situations. Self-managers take care of their own needs, treat people the way they wish to be treated, problem solve, have common sense and self-discipline, and are capable of healthy communication with other human beings. A child should be adept at the basics of self-management by the time they reach puberty. Sadly, most are not.

There are three ways parents can teach self-management. 

Encourage children to take controlled risks-

There is a lot of debate over how many and what type of risks children should be permitted to take. Some believe kids should be insulated from even the most remote danger. These are the people who want to hand out bulletproof blankets to kindergarteners and put helmets on children before recess. Others think kids should be permitted to wander completely unsupervised. Wisdom lies between the two extremes. Children cannot learn to manage risk without taking risks, and they learn by doing. Kids should be coached about safety and then given age-appropriate opportunities to walk to the park alone, pay for things, ride their bikes unsupervised and walk around a store or mall without Mom and Dad by their side.  

Limit the use of technology-

Good communication skills are essential to self-management. Technology (especially texting) keeps kids from developing the skills necessary to actually talk with other human beings. Kids need face-to-face communication to learn to read non-verbal cues and to understand how their words affect others. If kids are allowed a cell phone before puberty, parents should insist it’s used for phone calls only.

Do not eliminate negative consequences-

Consequences are the fruit of choices. We do kids a disservice when we cushion them from negative consequences. If a child is inconsiderate, irresponsible, rude or careless they should be made to deal with the fallout of their choices even if it’s inconvenient or embarrassing for Mom and Dad. 

In the early years, parenting is all about protection and provision. Loving parents do everything within their power to provide for and guarantee that no harm befalls their young child. As kids mature, parenting priorities must shift. If they don’t kids will grow up with all of the passions and aspirations of adults while missing the maturity and wisdom to manage and make the most of those passions and aspirations. The skills gained through the teaching of self-management lay the groundwork for a life of productivity, happiness and holiness. Without the capacity to self-manage, no one—no matter how loved they were in the early years—will ever reach his or her God-given potential.  

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load~ Galatians 6:4-5




















Sunday, January 18, 2015

Faith and Other Paradoxes


Merriam-Webster defines a paradox as:

 Something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things and that seems impossible but is actually true or possible.  

Life is full of paradoxes.

There are scientific and speculative paradoxes so outrageously complex that it is excruciating to contemplate them for any length of time. I avoid those paradoxes as much as possible. But life also abounds with everyday paradoxes. These are irreconcilable, absurd events and circumstances that make no sense, things that should not be true, but are including:

The hungrier one is the more likely they are to crave food with no nutritional value.

Tired children fight sleep.

Ignoring a potential romantic partner is the quickest way to increase one’s level of desirability.

The longer one works without a break, the fewer returns they get for their time.

The Bible is packed with apparent paradoxes and conundrums. Jesus in particular was notorious for making lofty declarations that on the surface appear to be illogical and insanely contradictory:

Blessed are the poor in spirit~ Matthew 5:3

Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time~ Mark 13:11

Whoever loses their life will preserve it ~ Luke 17:33

Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions~ Luke 12:15

Blessed are those who are persecuted~ Matthew 5:10

Every one of the above statements is, at first glance, utterly outrageous and irrational. Imagine what you would do if a stranger approached you on the street, grabbed your arm, looked you in the eye and informed you with an intense passion that if you are only willing to lose your life you will find it. Calling the police or a mental health professional would be a sensible response, because that is precisely the sort of thing a truly unstable individual says right before they hurt someone. But for those of us lucky enough to have experienced the reality of this paradox within the context of the Christian life, it makes total sense.

Perhaps the most paradoxical notion in all of Christian teaching is the scriptural concept of freedom.

If asked to define freedom, the vast majority of people would say that freedom is complete autonomy or independence from authority and rules. For most of us, freedom means having the fundamental right to do what we want to do when we want to do it, without any constraints or rules.

The Bible teaches that this interpretation of freedom is not genuine freedom, but rather an alluring trap that inevitably leads to bondage and slavery. The Bible teaches that unrestrained freedom often results in bondage to fear of consequences, guilt, bad habits, addiction and brokenness. The following quote sums up God’s view of human freedom beautifully:   

The paradox of faith is that when we conform our lives to Christ then we gain our true freedom. And its fruit is profound and lasting happiness~ Vincent Nichols 

Benjamin Franklin was doubtless mediating on the scriptural definition of freedom when he penned these words on the topic: 

Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters.

Benjamin Franklin recognized a timeless truth. Freedom without God inevitably leads to behavior that results in bondage. True freedom is born out of voluntary obedience to God and His commands. When we reject God and His way of doing things, we unwittingly become slaves—first to our sin and then to outside authorities that feel justified in restraining a people who refuse to restrain their own passions.  

At the heart of the Christian faith is the notion that that genuine freedom is found in obedience to Christ and his commands. The more obedient we are to God, the greater our level of freedom in life. Obedience to God frees us from fear, addiction, shame and guilt over bad choices. We become free to be the people God intended us to be.


So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh~ Galatians 5:16 NIV

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Finding Purpose


And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose~ Romans 8:28 NASB


This week I learned that one of my favorite words is also one of the most loaded words in the English language. It came to light following a conversation with one of our kids. The exchange started innocently enough when I vetoed chocolate cake after dinner. I defended my use of veto power by patiently explaining that candy and cookies at church, followed by ice cream at lunch and peanut butter cups for an afternoon snack, was more than enough nutritionally deficient “food” for any one person in a single day.

The child was clearly not persuaded by my insight so I launched into a discourse concerning the long-term health risks of consuming excessive sugar. I was on a roll so I went on to expound (rather eloquently I thought) on the hazards of developing bad habits early in life and the differences between an empty calorie and a healthy calorie. I was feeling pretty smug about my communication skills until I noted the blank expression in their eyes and realized that I was not having the impact I had hoped for.

The death spiral of doubt came the next morning while I was reading a devotional of all things. The author warned against allowing anything to pull you away from the purpose that God has for your life. Rather than being encouraged to persevere in my God given purpose I was suddenly filled with uncertainty and doubt.

My mind immediately traveled back to the conversation I’d had the night before with my child. It got me thinking about purpose and whether or not I somehow missed mine.
  
 I cannot explain why that particular situation struck me with what can only be described as an existential crisis of confidence. It could be that recent changes in my life have rocked my confidence. Some would say it was the devil. It’s also possible that I am simply an over-privileged first-world Christian with too much time on my hands to ponder such things.

Once I got my emotions in check I did a search of the Scriptures looking for some wisdom. I think I was hoping to find an example of a man or woman seeking their purpose. To my surprise, I could not find a single example. I concluded that there are only three possible explanations for this:

We are the first generation of humans to be concerned with our purpose.  
Prior generations had the subject of purpose all figured out and did not feel the need to ask.
They understood some truths we have forgotten.

The first two possibilities are highly unlikely. People are people. The fundamentals of what make us human do not change. And people everywhere, in every time, and in every place have cared a great deal about living lives that are both meaningful and significant. We are not the first generation to ponder our purpose in life. Nor will we be the last.

 I do believe that the men and women of the past may have understood a significant truth that I briefly forgot in the midst of my angst the other day. They understood that God’s purpose for each individual is less about doing and more about being.

Like most folks, I tend to think of purpose in terms of things that I do. For most people, finding purpose tends to all about getting a degree, doing a job, making money, starting a ministry, raising a family.  While it’s true that God wants people to be industrious and hardworking (2nd Thessalonians 3:10). I’m discovering that God is far more concerned with whom we are becoming rather than what we are achieving. If a man or woman is in the process of becoming holy, righteous, and fully submitted to God, the details of the doing tend take care of themselves. 

According to Scripture, people fulfill their purpose in the mundane things of life as much, if not more so, than in the things we see as big. God cares little about our net worth, how many degrees we have earned, the awards and honors that adorn our office walls, or even how many people we preach to every week.  However, He is keenly interested in how we use our money, do our jobs, use our words, raise our families, treat our spouses, who we gossiped about and how forgiving we are.

We find our purpose in this life when we take whatever it is we are doing, no matter how mundane and seemingly insignificant and commit to doing it in a way that reflects the goodness and glory of God to the world around us.





         



  

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Time to Wake Up


For as long as I can recall, I have loved New Years resolutions. I made my first one when I was eight years old. I scribbled it out in crayon and resolved to sweet-talk my parents into getting me a dog of my very own. As I matured, my yearly resolutions gradually became a bit more refined but no less self-centered. For the most part I focused on losing weight, meeting personal goals, making money, and other self-improvement schemes.

I became a Christian as a young adult and over time my New Years resolutions evolved more into prayers I would commit to praying for the year. Some of those prayers/resolutions were and still are rather self-absorbed, but most centered on becoming a better, godlier person rather than just a skinnier, more attractive person.

 As 2015 makes its debut, I have committed to pray for and resolved to work on some personal and family issues this coming year. I have also committed to praying for the Church this year. In this context, “Church” refers to the people throughout the world who profess Christ as Lord.

 I feel led to pray for the Church because, well, frankly I am profoundly concerned for the Church and and have been for a very long time. I fear that the body of Christ has gone off course and is in danger of losing its way. So for my first post of 2015 I will share the top six prayers/hopes I have for God’s people this coming year.

I pray that we would all:

Know our value-

Scripture and experience have persuaded me that every Christian has boundless potential for impacting their little corner of the world for good. You are valuable enough for Christ to die for you. We are so cherished that Jesus is continuously interceding for each one of us (Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7:25). That makes us all far too significant to waste our time chasing pointless pastimes, getting stuck in patterns of sin or exerting energy harboring bitterness and resentment.  

Do something hard-

Hard things include, but are not limited to, helping those who have life-controlling issues, loving the unlovable, adopting orphans, offering help to the hurting, and just generally functioning as salt and light in our broken-down, busted-up world. Hard things are seldom attempted, because hard things are by their very nature time-consuming, emotionally risky and expensive. Hard things are also the only things that have the potential to transform the lives of people. When we work to transform the lives of people we make this world a better place and bring God’s Kingdom a little closer to Earth.  

Stop being afraid to make people squirm every once in a while-

The New Testament repeatedly links repentance or a change in behavior with saving faith and spiritual growth (Luke 24:7, Acts 3:19, Acts 17:30-31, 2nd Corinthians 7:10, 2nd Timothy 2:24-26). Preaching and teaching on repentance has been replaced with upbeat messages aimed at boosting self-esteem and soothing consciences rather than awakening them. I am not advocating an all-out return to hellfire-and-brimstone preaching; nevertheless I do think it’s high time we stopped being so fearful of making people feel bad.  

Repair something-

Every Christian should be a reconciler and rebuilder (2nd Corinthians 5:18-19). Think of all that could change if enough of us got serious about reconciling broken relationships and rebuilding broken systems in our communities.

Pray more-

Prayer isn’t about getting God to see things our way or do what we want. Prayer is about being enabled to see things God’s way and empowered to do what God wants done. We could certainly use a little more of all that. Getting it will require a commitment to pray more.

Restore shame-

Physiologists have sold society a flimflam job. As a result, many Christians have bought into the ludicrous notion that shame is always a sign of some sort of psychological issue or problem. The Bible teaches that shame is a natural consequence of bad behavior. I am aggressively campaigning for a return of shame because without sit no one will ever feel the urge to adjust course or repent of their sin.

I love the New Year because it is a time to reflect on where we are, who we are becoming and what we are accomplishing with our time and resources. I am praying that this is the year Christians awaken to our value in Christ, pray zealously, speak the truth openly and lovingly, embrace hard things, rebuild broken things and endeavor to be the Church rather than simply attend Church.