Last week marked the beginning of winter semester at the university
where my son Alex attends college. He and I caught up after his first day of
classes and chatted about his day.
Just when I thought our little chat was drawing to a close, Alex
said something that promptly reinvigorated the conversation. He casually mentioned
that he’d had a tough time getting around school that day. Apparently the
campus was swarming with parents who were hanging out, introducing themselves
to the professors, looking for things, and even attending classes with their
children.
I was suddenly intrigued and bursting with questions…
Really?
Was it parents’
day?
Were there problems
at the airport, forcing parents to stay in Tucson?
Were the parents
actually sitting in on the classes?
Were the kids embarrassed,
sitting with their parents in college classes?
Were the professors
annoyed?
Alex explained that it
was not parent’s day, nor were there any issues at the airport that he was
aware of. Some friends had informed him that not only did parents introduce
themselves to the professors and sit in on the classes, but a few raised their
hands to ask questions on behalf of their children. Surprisingly, the kids
seemed to be fine with the unofficial “bring your parents to college day” but
there was some serious eye-rolling going on among the professors.
At first I thought the whole thing was a little weird and
kind of funny. It simply never occurred to me to attend college classes with my
kids. I just presumed that if they were old enough to enroll in college, they
were capable of introducing themselves to the professors, finding nourishment, and
locating their classrooms without my assistance.
Later, I was struck by
how unfunny the whole thing actually was. This sort of thing is a symptom of a
problem that cripples many middle-class kids. Well-meaning parents have become so fearful regarding their kids’
safety, comfort level, and overall happiness that they have gone to extremes to
shield their kids from harm or distress. In the process, some have missed the
entire point of parenting and failed to teach the one skill everyone needs to
survive in this world: Self-management
Self-managers know when they are hungry, tired, cranky or
sick and they understand how to deal with those issues appropriately.
Self-mangers are not afraid to participate in life because they know how to
recognize and protect themselves from dangerous people and situations. Self-managers
take care of their own needs, treat people the way they wish to be treated, problem
solve, have common sense and self-discipline, and are capable of healthy communication
with other human beings. A child should be adept at the basics of self-management
by the time they reach puberty. Sadly, most are not.
There are three ways parents can teach self-management.
Encourage children to take controlled risks-
There is a lot of debate over how many and what type of risks
children should be permitted to take. Some believe kids should be insulated
from even the most remote danger. These are the people who want to hand out
bulletproof blankets to kindergarteners and put helmets on children before
recess. Others think kids should be permitted to wander completely
unsupervised. Wisdom lies between the two extremes. Children cannot learn to
manage risk without taking risks, and they learn by doing. Kids should be
coached about safety and then given age-appropriate opportunities to walk to
the park alone, pay for things, ride their bikes unsupervised and walk around a
store or mall without Mom and Dad by their side.
Limit the use of technology-
Good communication skills are essential to self-management. Technology
(especially texting) keeps kids from developing the skills necessary to
actually talk with other human beings. Kids need face-to-face communication to
learn to read non-verbal cues and to understand how their words affect others.
If kids are allowed a cell phone before puberty, parents should insist it’s
used for phone calls only.
Do not eliminate negative consequences-
Consequences are the fruit of choices. We do kids a
disservice when we cushion them from negative consequences. If a child is
inconsiderate, irresponsible, rude or careless they should be made to deal with
the fallout of their choices even if it’s inconvenient or embarrassing for Mom
and Dad.
In the early years, parenting is all about protection and
provision. Loving parents do everything within their power to provide for and
guarantee that no harm befalls their young child. As kids mature, parenting
priorities must shift. If they don’t kids will grow up with all of the passions
and aspirations of adults while missing the maturity and wisdom to manage and
make the most of those passions and aspirations. The skills gained through the
teaching of self-management lay the groundwork for a life of productivity,
happiness and holiness. Without the capacity to self-manage, no one—no matter
how loved they were in the early years—will ever reach his or her God-given
potential.
Each one should
test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without
comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load~
Galatians 6:4-5