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Sunday, April 27, 2014

Five More Rules to Avoid Raising a Fool

Wisdom is better than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness~ Ecclesiastes 2:13 NLT

I would be willing to bet good money that no Mother in the long, sordid history of humankind has ever looked into the sweet wrinkled face of her newborn son or daughter and whispered…

 “I hope this child grows up to be a fool and ruins their life.”

Yet the world is teeming with fools, and many lives that once held promise lie in ruins.

The truth of this reality tells me that wishing for positive outcomes for our kids is not enough. Nothing good ever comes about on its own. Children must be taught to think biblically and make wise decisions. If God has seen fit to make you a parent, He has called you to teach your children to think and act wisely.

Even the best parents make mistakes parenting kids. Fortunately, most parenting errors are not fatal. I have learned from experience that fudging on a bedtime story by skipping the entire middle of the book, not beginning the potty training process until a child is well past three, or even leaving one of your kids at church after a Wednesday night service will not lead to their eventual ruin.

Unfortunately, there are a few blunders that will almost certainly guarantee an unhappy ending for your kid if they are not dealt with at some point. Last week I shared five mistakes common in the early years that will likely set a child on the road to foolishness…

Allowing kids to be the center of attention all the time

Believing your kids to be faultless

Tolerating disrespect and rudeness

Making childhood too sweet

Failing to live in the here and now  

This week I want to focus on some mistakes commonly made with older children. I define older children as those over the age nine. The years between birth and nine are all about making rules, teaching right from wrong and controlling behavior. By the time a child is ten parents should be at the point where they feel comfortable beginning the process of slowly and gradually shrinking parental control.

Mistakes made in the later years of parenting can be far more dangerous than those made early on because there is far less time to correct problems and the consequences of bad choices can be far more tragic for older kids. Some of the most grievous mistakes include…

Becoming distracted

The later years of childhood abound with potential snares. Drugs, sexual experimentation, alcohol, pornography, poor academic performance and negative peer influences along with a million other pitfalls can derail a child from God’s best for their life. Teens and pre-teens need more—not less— supervision to keep them out of trouble and on track during these critical years. The supervision must be carried out with wisdom and sensitivity, but it must be carried out. Sadly, many parents become distracted by their own interests and needs at a time when their kids desperately need their involvement and coaching. Staying actively engaged is one key to keeping kids wise as they approach the adult years.

Failing to teach verbal and emotional self-discipline   

Our culture places an inordinate level of value on the expression of opinions and feelings. I am convinced that this unhealthy preoccupation with self-expression has contributed to the soaring divorce rate and general lack of civility in the world. There is nothing wrong with speaking one’s mind as long as self-expression is balanced with self-control and concern for others. Older children need to be taught two truths as they hit the hormonal years. The first is that not every thought or feeling is worthy of expression. It’s okay and even advantageous to keep some feelings contained. Nothing bad has ever happened because somebody refrained from cursing his or her boss or abstained from gossiping about a friend. The second is that no one has the right to lash out or make others miserable simply because they are having a bad day or struggling with a personal issue.

Overlooking questionable behavior

Most kids and teens play around the edges of bad behavior before they commit to a course of it. Many parents ignore the early signs of experimentation hoping that the problem will simply go away or somehow resolve itself. Sadly, this sort of hoping seldom pans out; these types of problems don’t generally resolve themselves. The key to keeping kids from diving headfirst into harmful behaviors (sex, drugs, alcohol, pornography, dishonesty, shoplifting, smoking, etc.) is to catch them early and confront the behavior head-on with all kinds of unpleasant consequences before bad choices become bad habits and sinful patterns of behavior.

Permitting kids to become spiritual dropouts

Most kids will attempt to get out of church or some aspect of church at some point in their teen years. I have heard at least a thousand arguments against church attendance. Here is a sampling of some of the common objections to Church attendance…

I already know more about the Bible than the teacher does.
You taught me everything; there’s nothing left for me to learn.
The kids at church are _______________ (mean, cliquish, immature, not Christ-like etc.).
Church is _____________________ (boring, irrelevant, stupid, full of hypocrites, etc.).
The youth Pastor is__________________ (stupid, indifferent, lame, only interested in numbers etc.).
I hate the _________________ (music, pastor, kids) and it’s mean to make me do something I hate.  
I’m not sure I believe in_____________ (God, Jesus, Church attendance etc.).

Even if any of the above statements are demonstrably true, it’s still a mistake to let kids be in the driver’s seat with this issue. You are the spiritual leader, and it is imperative you lead in this area. Go to church yourself. Live out God’s truth with grace and do whatever it takes, even if that means finding a new church to keep your kid involved in church during these critical years.

Failing to explain the why of rules and beliefs

Every kid needs to learn to think critically and logically about life. Part of teaching them to think critically is explaining the why of what you believe and decree. Saying “because I’m the parent and I said so” may feel defensible, but it won’t help your kid understand how the world works and may very well end up nurturing a bitter root of apathy or rebellion.

Parenting is without question a tough and often thankless job, particularly in the early years.  It is also without question the most important job anyone will ever do. Parenting—whether good, bad or indifferent—powerfully affects the lives of individual children and the destiny of future generations.

 Doing it right happens when we pay attention to the details of their lives, save friendship with our kids for later, explain the truth until they get it, model good spiritual habits, instill self-control and discipline, and pray like crazy.       

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up~ Galatians 6:9 NIV


Sunday, April 20, 2014

Five Tips to Avoid Parenting a Fool

It is painful to be the parent of a fool; there is no joy for the father of a rebel~ Proverbs 17:21 NLT

 Parenting is a tough gig, but some of the most beautiful moments of my life have come through experiences with my children.

I remember all the firsts with each of my babies. The first sloppy wet kiss, the first steps, the first words and the very first time each of them said “I wuv you” in their sweet little toddler voices.

  Twelve years after the fact I still laugh out loud when I think of the day my daughter Abigail found some baby teeth on my dresser. She asked me outright if I was Tooth Fairy. Because I didn’t believe in prolonging fanciful thinking in children, I admitted to her that I was indeed the Tooth Fairy.

 She stared at me, her blue eyes wide with awestruck wonder as she murmured reverently, “That is so cool. I knew you were special.” It took me nearly thirty minutes to convince her that I was not the actual Tooth Fairy for the entire world.

All warm fuzzies aside, parenting is still a tough job. The hours are horrible. Working conditions are appalling and often include vomit, boogers and other bodily fluids. You pay out the wazoo to do the job, vacations are a joke and in the early years it often feels as you are working for the kids and that your employers are quite possibly insane.

I felt like the little nut-jobs were nearly always irrational about something. They were either stuck in a compulsive rut of some sort or impulsively changing their minds about every little thing.   

By far the toughest aspect of the parenting gig is not really knowing until it’s too late whether or not you did the job well. The proof of success or failure doesn’t show up for years, and every kid is different. The right approach with one child may be completely wrong with another.

As my husband and I begin round four of parenting a pre-teen, I have found myself reflecting on our earlier parenting experiences. I have been trying to figure out, once again, the best approach to parenting this unique little human that God has seen fit to bring into our home.

All of this reflecting has got me thinking about mistakes. Not just the ones we made with individual kids (and there were plenty) but the mistakes that are always mistakes, regardless of the child’s temperament or personality (we made a few of those too). I came up with a list of twenty-two mistakes parents make with their kids. Twenty-two seemed a bit excessive so I narrowed it down to ten. I will be sharing the five mistakes parents tend to make with younger kids this week and the five that are most common with older kids next week.

This first is…


Allowing our kids to be the center of attention all the time

Recently a friend told me a harrowing tale of the most tedious night of her life. The evening began innocently enough at the home of a family with several pre-school age children. During the meal they feasted on kid-friendly foods while the children chattered non-stop about their toys, pets, friends and favorite television shows. The parents made no attempts to steer the conversation in a more mature direction. Immediately following dinner the kids’ performed a play for the adults. Mom and Dad quietly served dessert during the entertainment portion of the evening. After the play my friend and her husband fully expected there would be some adult conversation. Instead, they were subjected to a parade of toys and were expected to ooh and aah over each treasure presented. The kid-centric nightmare might have gone on all night but my friend wisely feigned a headache and made a hasty exit.
Sensible people understand that kids need appropriate attention and affection from their parents to develop properly. They do not need to think that every stage is theirs or to believe that they are the center of the universe. Allowing kids to be the center of attention all the time teaches them that their needs and wants should always take priority over everybody else’s needs and wants.  When parents propagate this sort of selfishness it creates a fast track for narcissism (a growing problem) to develop. Selfishness is natural in children and will persist into adulthood if they are not taught to consider the needs of others. The first step in teaching kids to care for others is helping them to understand that they are not always the most important person in the room.

Believing our kids are faultless

The difference between good parents and bad parents is pretty basic. Good parents understand that all kids tell lies, blow off their homework, talk back to adults, behave selfishly, break stuff, make bad decisions and hurt other kids. Bad parents think only other people’s kids do those things. In my experience, the kids who are best behaved around adults are often horrible little manipulators when alone with other children. If your kid is frequently the center of drama but fails to take responsibility for problems, you may need to do a little investigating. No kid is that perfect.

Tolerating disrespect and rudeness

Parents today worry a great deal about something previous generations of parents cared nothing about: their kids “having a voice” and “being heard.” Many are convinced that the worst thing that can happen to a child is to have their opinions or feelings stifled for even a moment.  So they allow their children to speak to people in any way they wish with no regard for the feelings of others. It’s important for parents to create an environment where kids feel safe when sharing their needs and feelings. It’s just as important to teach them to be respectful towards others, choose their words wisely and do so in a polite tone of voice.

Making childhood too sweet

Prior to about 1980 good parents believed that childhood should suck just a little bit. These parents were not usually mean or abusive. Nor were good parents terribly accommodating. Back in those days kids did unpleasant chores without pay, ate food they didn’t care for from time to time and went to bed without a lot of drama and coddling. Candy and toys were considered “treats” and were only given out at birthdays, holidays and on other special occasions. Kids spoke politely to teachers they didn’t like and watched television shows their parents enjoyed. In general, kids did what they were told or paid a consequence for their disobedience. The net effect of this treatment was that kids didn’t feel special all the time, but they did want to grow up. They were eager to enter the adult world and take on extra responsibility so they could make their own decisions and have things their way sometimes. Our current cultural epidemic of young people who wish to stay children forever makes me think it’s about time we had a revival of slightly sucky childhoods.   

Failing to live in the here and now

There are two dangers in allowing our thoughts to dwell on the hazy what-ifs of the future. The first is easily recognizable: we miss out on the joy and wonder of right now. Any parent of a graduating senior will tell you with tears in their eyes that the parenting years fly by. It’s a shame to spend even one minute of those years dwelling on a future no one can possibly know or control. The other danger is less obvious but far more dangerous. Constantly worrying about vague what-ifs can cause us to miss character issues in our kids that need addressing right now.

The goal of parenting is not to raise good children but rather to raise responsible, virtuous, caring adults who long to glorify God with their lives. Reaching that goal is a long process, and every parent makes mistakes along the way. Some mistakes are tragic and character-defining if left unchecked. Character-defining mistakes include allowing selfishness, an entitlement mentality, lack of gratitude or a disregard for other people to take root in a child’s heart.

It’s important to remember that a mistake is only the end of the world if we refuse to humble ourselves and change course.  As long as a child is in our home and under our authority it is not too late to begin the process of correcting parenting errors.    

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! Psalm 127:3-5 NLT











Sunday, April 13, 2014

Freedom... It's Worth Fighting For

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love~ Galatians 5:13

Freedom.

For most of us, the word instantly rouses complex, powerful images and emotions.

 Some recall brave men and women who have fought and died to preserve independence. Others picture flags or battle reenactments. Some think of Fourth of July celebrations with parades and fireworks and adorable little children waving flags in one hand and drippy ice cream cones in the other.

 Those unfortunate enough to have never experienced real freedom have a more rudimentary view of the concept. Their notions concerning freedom center on economic prospects, religious liberty and open elections. For them, freedom means having the right to shape their own destiny.    

When I hear the word freedom, my mind immediately jumps to a scene in the movie Braveheart.  The one where William Wallace addresses a mob of reluctant warriors atop his horse, his face smeared with war paint as he calls to his countrymen…

You have come to fight as free men! And free men you are!
What will you do with your freedom?

I love that movie—partly because I always end up coveting the life of a 12th century Scottish warrior, and partly because the words in that scene come very close to hitting on the scriptural take on freedom and liberty. Galatians 5:1 says…

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery~ Galatians 5:1 NIV


The twenty-first century man or woman tends to view freedom from a mostly emotional, me-centered angle. The current view of freedom mucks things up and causes all sorts of trouble. When freedom is viewed through the lens of emotion it becomes self-focused. When the notion of freedom is self-focused, it quickly becomes all about exercising the right to do whatever you want, whenever you want and as often as you want. The outcome of a me-centered view of freedom is self-destruction and social chaos.

 God’s view of freedom is very different. The Bible presents freedom as an opportunity and an obligation. Christian liberty is both an opportunity to be free from the tyranny of selfishness and bondage to sin, and an obligation to live wisely and as free as possible from sin (Hebrews 12:1).

The Bible doesn’t define freedom as the power to do whatever you want, but rather the ability to stop doing the things you shouldn’t.

Prior to the life, death and resurrection of Jesus, human beings were pretty much enslaved to their own passions. Folks were incapable of internal heart change. They might change their outward behavior but their hearts remained hard and sinful. That is why law and punishment were so vital to social stability. The negative consequences that came about as a result of law breaking were the only way to control the sinful inclinations of men and women.

Jesus changed that reality dramatically. When we put our faith in Jesus and begin the process of repentance we become new people (2nd Corinthians 5:17) and are given new hearts (Ezekiel 11:19). One aspect of being a new creation is having the ability to say no to sinful, life-controlling behavior. Living out the freedom that Christ died to give us is not easy. It’s a battle. It’s an ongoing war against the part of us that still really likes to sin (the Bible calls this part of us “the flesh”).

The battle can be won but it takes an ongoing, dogged willingness to say “no” to your sinful self, an acknowledgment that sin is a choice for Christians and an understanding of what we are fighting for.

We are fighting for the right to live as free men and women. We are fighting to live free from enslavement to sinful habits and the ugly consequences that result from sinful choices.

When we strive daily to live free from sin, we become what Jesus envisioned for His Church. We become salt and light in a society that desperately needs a preserving influence. Freedom from life-controlling sin gives God’s people the spiritual power and authority needed to influence and inspire positive social change and holy living in others.

 Without freedom from sinful entanglements, we forfeit the right to be taken seriously when we speak our minds concerning the issues of our day.

As critical as all those things are, the heart of the battle is bigger and more personal than all of that. We are fighting for the health of our families and the future of our society. We are fighting to leave a good and Godly legacy for our children and grandchildren.

It’s worth fighting for.

I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts~ Psalm 119:45





  




















Sunday, April 6, 2014

Promises, Promises

It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it~ Ecclesiastes 5:5

My years on Earth have convinced me that from time to time the Almighty looks down from heaven, decides that life has become far too predictable and relaxed for us, and concludes it’s time to stir things up a bit.

The occasional stirring-up is not necessarily a bad thing. Unforeseen changes and challenges keep us on our knees and can become (if we allow them to) the stimulus that enables us to understand and seek God on a much deeper level.

It’s become increasingly obvious that God thinks my family could use a little stirring up. We’ve experienced some crazy-big changes and challenges in recent weeks.  

By far the most dramatic and life-impacting change has been the addition of a new family member. Nine-year-old Zoey entered our home a few weeks ago and has brought an exciting new dynamic since day one of her arrival.

It’s been a while since we parented such a young child. We have felt a little inadequate as we relearn the finer points of parenting nine-year-old girls. The learning curve has been sharp at times.

The past few days have caused us to remember things we had nearly forgotten about parenting younger children. These include….

There can be ugly consequences for failing to establish and stick to routines when dealing with children

Nine-year-old girls have a flair for the theatric; this aptitude increases as the day progresses. By bedtime they should win awards for their skills.

Young children have woefully unrefined and picky palates (seafood and spicy foods are out­­—macaroni and canned soup are in)

Nine-year-olds need a lot of assistance with basic problem solving  

Keeping promises is the key to good parenting

I had nearly forgotten what an incredible downer keeping the promises we make to kids can be. I am not a jerk, so I don’t have an issue with keeping all promises; just the promises that turn out to be personally unpleasant for me in some way.

 I’ve never had a problem with welching on a promised trip to the zoo or the guarantee of pizza for dinner. I relish keeping those types of promises. It’s the hard promises I hate making good on.

 The loss of a privilege as a consequence for bad behavior, or the promise of work in exchange for lost property, or an early bedtime for lack of obedience—those are the types of promises I detest keeping. I have a robust aversion to being the bad guy and keeping an unpleasant vow is the quickest, most efficient way to become the bad guy.

Having a young child in the house has forced me to take a hard look at my own tendency to dislike keeping any promise that may have an unpleasant outcome for me personally. I’ve discovered, to my dismay, that I can be a little bit like the prophet Jonah when it comes to keeping vows that turn out be unpleasant.

 When Jonah took on the title of prophet he knew that the title came with a commitment to do what God told him to do. No questions asked. Jonah was fine with that arrangement until he was told do something he really didn’t want to do. 

In Jonah’s case, keeping his promise meant taking the good news of God’s love to a race of people who had mistreated and abused his fellow countrymen in some pretty appalling ways. Jonah quickly discovered that he was no longer okay with the arrangement.

As soon as keeping his vow got tough, Jonah got going in the wrong direction. His disobedience landed him in the belly of a fish for three days of serious think-time. While there he had an epiphany regarding the keeping of vows. 

But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good~ Jonah 2:9 NIV

One of the hard realities I’ve faced in recent days is the fact that when we take on the title of Christian we make the commitment to do what God tells us to do. No questions asked. One of the things that God tells us to do is to make good on the hard promises, commitments and vows that we’ve made.

 Our communities, churches and families are suffering because of a failure of people to make good on the vows and commitments that have been made. Maybe it’s time for all of us to do as Jonah eventually did and make good on the hard promises we’ve made. God’s blessing is sure to follow.  

I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to you~ Psalm 56:12