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Sunday, February 23, 2014

Teens and the Dating Dilemma



My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you~ Proverbs 6:20-22

 A while back I was having coffee with a friend and the subject of teens and dating came up. Her oldest is a thirteen-year-old girl with many friends who have started dating. This attractive young lady has several boys who are interested in her and one unrelenting question for her Mom and Dad…

“When do I get to date?” 

 My friend feels a bit blindsided by this issue. She’s not sure how she feels about Christian kids dating, but feels the courtship model would be a bit unworkable and unrealistic in her family’s situation. The only thing she is sure of is that thirteen is far too young for her daughter to date.  

She asked for my thoughts and I agreed that thirteen is far too young for a teen to date. Early dating is a bad deal because it distracts teens from the urgent task of preparing for the adult world. Early dating also invites sexual temptation at a point in their lives when they lack the wisdom and ability to deal with temptation sensibly.

I also agreed that courtship (a popular Christian dating alternative) has some serious drawbacks. Success is partially dependent on location: If you do not live in an area with a large number of like-minded people, the courtship model can severely limit one’s choices of a marriage partner. I feel it’s very important to have a lot of buy-in on the courtship method before you impose it on your kids. Young adults who are not completely sold on the concept of courtship can end up with a sense of having been bullied or coerced into selecting a particular mate by their parent.

 Coercion is certainly not the feeling I want my adult children to experience as they walk down the aisle. Marriage is the single greatest commitment they will ever make to another human being in this life. Neither is coercion something I want them to accuse me of when the going gets tough in their marriage; and at some point the going will get tough. It always does.    

My friend wanted to know what our rules were when the kids were dating. I had to be honest and tell her that we had very few rules where dating was concerned, but we did have some standards. We were pretty upfront with our kids about three realities in our home…

Dating is not a right~
Dating is a privilege tied to responsibility. When my daughter was twelve I overheard her telling a friend that she would be able to date when she was sixteen. After her friend left I informed her that she had assumed too much. She would not under any circumstances be permitted to date before sixteen, but sixteen was not a magical age that ensured her the right to date. She would be allowed to date suitable boys if and only if she was living her life in a responsible fashion. Our definition of a responsible life included good grades, healthy friendships, willing church involvement and a respectful attitude.

Don’t expect to date alone~
One of the dumbest things American parents have bought into is the ridiculous notion that teenagers need lots and lots of privacy to explore relationships. They don’t. It only takes one unsupervised afternoon for them to severely limit their future and for you to become a freakishly youthful grandparent. They do need lots of supervised opportunities to get an idea of how the other person interacts with the most important people in their lives. They also need to know how that person behaves in social situations. Our kids were rarely alone with any member of the opposite sex. Instead, we had our kids’ dates into our home for movie nights, took them to church with us and out to nice dinners. We included them on picnics, trips to amusement parks and the lake, zoos and even a few out-of-town trips.

The entire purpose of dating is to find a spouse~
For that reason we were very clear that dating a person or continuing to date someone you can’t see yourself married to is a form of dishonesty, as well as a complete waste of time. We talked to our kids a lot about what kind of person they wanted to be with when dating opportunities arose. These conversations ruled out about seventy-five percent of the potential dates.

Our kids accepted all of these standards because we set them when they were very young. Communication is the key to successfully set dating standards with kids, and the earlier the better. In my view, six is not too early to begin the process of discussing family dating standards. Many six-year-olds are already beginning to have questions about dating and boy-girl relationships.

It’s inevitable that kids will begin the process of exploring relationships with the opposite sex. Making the dating years enjoyable for everyone depends on good communication, solid relationships with your teens and standards that allow them the freedom to get know people while keeping their purity intact.
 

Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity~ 1st Timothy 4:12 

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Intentional Parenting


Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth~ Psalm 127:4


My son Alex has met a girl. More precisely, Alex has rediscovered a girl he’s known for the better part of his life. She’s the daughter of some close family friends and we adore her. She is kindhearted, beautiful, intelligent, and she loves Jesus. I suspect that she may be the long-awaited answer to a whole lot of prayers we have prayed over the years.

It’s been fun to watch their relationship develop and grow. Because they live in different states they have been forced to take it slow and really get to know each other. 

So far all of their “dates” have been Skype dates. These events have included a dessert picnic, tours of their respective homes, group chats with friends and family members, helping one another with homework, a visit to her Pinterest page and some marathon conversations that have lasted into the wee-hours of the night.

It’s been a joy to watch my son begin the process of exploring the possibility of building a life with a woman. They have made some tentative plans, and as they have done so, I have watched their influence over one another grow steadily as our parental influence begins to wane.

Our shrinking influence is good and necessary. Parents were never intended to be their adult children’s principal influencers. That is the responsibility of their spouse (Genesis 2:23-25).

Although I am delighted to see this process taking place it stands as stark reminder of the importance of being intentional with parental influence while you have it.

As I watch my children approach some very grown-up milestones I realize that there are at least five things our kids need to know about life before they leave our sphere of influence.  We did well with some; with others, I sincerely wish we had been more intentional.  They include…

The ability to gain and apply wisdom~ Proverbs 17:15-16, 2nd Chronicles 1:10, Proverbs 2:11-13
Last year a Florida man killed a teenage boy because the teen refused to turn his music down. The guy’s behavior was and is unpardonable; he is clearly a psycho who has earned himself a lifetime behind bars for killing another human being over something so ridiculous and petty. That said, the teenager should have evaluated the demeanor of the man, noted that he was unstable and turned his music down. If he had done so he would likely still be alive. That’s wisdom. Wisdom often boils down to common sense and good judgment, both of which are becoming much less common. If we want our kids to be wise, we have to talk to them about life frequently and explain the “why” of biblical commands and principals clearly.

The need for careful planning~ Psalm 20:4  
Not every plan we make comes to fruition (James 4:13-14) but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t plan. One of the chief responsibilities of parents is to help kids figure out what their gifts are and then guide them into coming up with a viable strategy for using those gifts to earn a living and glorify God.

The right use of money~ Psalm 15:4-5, Matthew 6:24, 1st Timothy 6:10
Beginning at a young age kids need to be taught that money is a tool. If it is used wisely, money can help to ensure a stable and happy life, benefit others and glorify God. If money is used unwisely in a greedy, selfish or wasteful manner it will ruin a person. Kids should be given opportunities to earn money and parents should observe how their kids spend, save and give their money, and tailor their instruction towards a child’s natural bent. If a child is naturally stingy they should be taught to give; if a child is wasteful with their resources they should be shown the value of saving; and so on.

Relationship skills~ Romans 14:9-11, 1st Timothy 5:1-2, Proverbs 21:19, Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 5:25
Relationship skills are all about dealing with people in a way that is wise, forgiving, considerate and gracious. Skill in this one area will likely determine success in every area of a child’s life.  Good relationship skills start with learning to treat family members and friends with respect and dignity and learning to make people feel important and cared for.

The need for community~ Proverbs 27:10, Hebrews 10:23-25
A lot has been written about the need for accountability in the church in recent years. Authentic accountability grows out of community. Without a growing, thriving community, accountability is impossible to maintain. Authentic Christian community is fostered through intentional friendships, transparency and a willingness to let people into your world. Church is the place for Christians to build community. It’s vital that parents model community and make church attendance a priority.

When kids are young it seems as if the child-rearing years will go on indefinitely.  It feels like you will have all the time in the world to teach your kids everything they need to know to be the people you hope they will become. Before you know it, those cute little people are no longer little and they are busy making plans that include wedding cakes and kids of their own.

Being intentional is tough when you are in the trenches of parenting little ones. Every day can become about endurance and making it to bedtime, when you can get a brief reprieve from the never-ending chaos and get to enjoy a few precious moments of silence. As tough as life can be while parenting young kids, it’s essential to use those years wisely and plant some seeds in the lives of the kids God has entrusted you with.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom~ Psalms 90:12 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

It's a Love-Hate Thing...

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength~ Deuteronomy 6:4-5 NIV

As I approach the two-year anniversary of my move to Arizona, I am beginning to realize that I have a love-hate thing going on with the desert. The love part begins sometime around the first of December as the daytime temperatures drop into the mid- seventies.

My love affair goes into full swing in early January. As my annual longing for Christmas snow comes to an end, I become entranced with the beauty around me.

The weather is perpetually sunshiny and pleasant, the flowers bloom profusely and the sky is the purest shade of blue I have ever seen. The steep, craggy mountains and unique plant life produce a stunning but harsh beauty that would make any artist’s heart sing.

  By the time February rolls around, I never want to leave Arizona.

The sunsets are so beautiful they literally take my breath away with colors so stunning and distinctive they defy classification. I have wondered what God was thinking about as He made the Sonoran desert. My daughter once remarked that it looks as if He was going through a brief abstract phase as He made this crazy-beautiful place. She may be right.

My passion dims a bit in mid-March and when the daytime temperatures start to hit the 100-degree mark. But the spectacular blooming cactus, cool nights and exquisite mornings keep me enraptured through April.

By June, my love affair with Arizona is over and done with. The whole thing ends abruptly and bitterly when I remember what a hot, miserable, mean place Arizona is. Daytime temperatures reach 110 degrees in the shade. The landscape teems with angry, horrifying creatures that all want me dead.

By early July, I hate Arizona. I hate it with the kind of passion that should be reserved for sin and serial killers. By late August, I would cheerfully board a plane and go anywhere in the world where the nighttime temperatures dip below 90 degrees.

My hatred burns unabated until early December when the twisted cycle predictably repeats itself.

I have decided that my ongoing love-hate relationship with Arizona reveals an unpleasant tendency that all of us have to love people, places and situations until the going gets tough.
The sky-high divorce rate and our societal fascination with all things easy and disposable affirm my suspicions.

Sadly, even the most devoted Christians among us can transmit this tendency to run from anything tough or unpleasant into our spiritual lives.

We love God’s people until we have a conflict with another Christian. We love the Bible until it reveals a truth that makes us uncomfortable or forces us to evaluate our lifestyle choices.  We love our Pastor until he preaches a sermon series that makes demands on our time or our money. We love worship until the worship leader makes a change or embraces a style we find unpleasant. We love God until our finances hit the skids or until our marriage becomes more about work than romance.

The sad truth is that I don’t really love Arizona the way I wish I loved Arizona. There are things I love about Arizona, but I certainly don’t love everything.  True love would be willing to embrace it all, even the creepy, mean things that hide in my backyard.  

Love isn’t love unless we are willing to embrace the good as well as the difficult that loving someone or something entails.

We don’t love our spiritual leaders if we turn tail and run the minute things get difficult. We don’t really love our church if we aren’t willing to stick around and become part of the solution. We don’t love our fellow Christians if we routinely avoid relationships with them out of fear of being hurt.

Loving people is never easy, because people are imperfect, illogical creatures who are by their very nature difficult to love. Loving God is not always easy, because God’s ultimate goal for His people is to make us holy rather than happy and the process of becoming holy can be a hard one.

But the end result of loving God and people through the good as well as the difficult is always worth it.    


If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing~ 1st Corinthians 13:1-3 

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Immoral and Other Misused Words


For the ear tests words as the tongue tastes food. Let us discern for ourselves what is right; let us learn together what is good~ Job 34:3-4 NIV

Last week, as millions of Americans prepared in earnest for the day of gluttony and games we affectionately call Super Bowl XLV111, The New York Times published an article by Steve Almond with a very provocative title.

 Is It Immoral To Watch The Super Bowl?

Mr. Almond passionately argues that it is immoral to watch the Super Bowl for three reasons…

Football is an appallingly violent sport~
Thousands of former NFL players are now suffering brain damage from injuries sustained while playing professional football~
Fans bankroll the sponsorship of this barbarity by watching NFL games~

All of the reasons Mr. Almond has given for his belief are unquestionably true. Not one of them makes watching the Super Bowl immoral. Watching football would be immoral if society began the practice of forcing young men to play football against their will and without compensation.

Immoral is a ridiculously strong term to describe a game where the participants are all free, healthy people who are paid to participate. The definition of immoral is…

Something that defies established moral principles.  

The synonyms for immoral are thought provoking and numerous. They include wicked, degenerate, corrupt, nefarious, lewd, depraved and indecent.

The Super Bowl is none of those things. However, there are many situations in our world that do qualify as immoral. The selling of human beings into slavery, military service and prostitution is immoral. Abusing children is immoral.

The fact that nearly half of all children born today will not be raised with the advantages of a two-parent family is immoral. Adultery is immoral. The aborting of an unborn baby every two seconds is immoral. Racism is immoral. Bullying people into agreement is immoral. Persecuting people of faith is immoral.  Theft is immoral. Ethnic cleansing is immoral. China’s one-child per family policy and its enforcement practices are immoral. Infanticide is immoral. These and probably a million other issues qualify, as immoral, watching football isn’t even in the ballpark.

By classifying football viewing as immoral, Mr. Almond unintentionally trivializes the significance of the word and minimizes the necessity to act on issues that are actually immoral and worthy of action.

Over the course of the last decade there has been an epidemic of redefining and trivializing the meaning of words. For example, tolerance used to mean…

The willingness to endure, without punitive action, a view or person with whom one disagrees

Tolerance has been redefined to mean embracing and celebrating, without reservation, every behavior and lifestyle choice.

The word racist was once a scandalous label reserved for nasty people who mistreated or excluded others based on their skin color or ethnicity. The word racist is now used to describe those we don’t like or who don’t care for the policies of our current President.

Hateful was once defined as….

 Holding a strong or pervasive dislike of someone or something; the embracing of an attitude that may lead to punitive action against the hated party

The word is now used to describe any person who holds an opinion we find repugnant or even outdated. The list of words that have lost their original definition could go on forever.  

I fear that if social commentators begin the practice of labeling any activity with which they disagree as immoral, yet another powerful word will lose its significance. Our collective moral compass will be dumbed down once again and we will find ourselves incapable of responding to authentic immorality when we witness it. 

It’s time we begin the painful process of holding ourselves accountable for the words we choose. Insisting that we reserve the word immoral for situations that are truly wicked, degenerate, corrupt, nefarious, lewd, depraved or indecent is a good place to start.   


Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter~ Isaiah 5:20 NIV