Plants, Pop Culture and Food Coloring...

Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness~ Luke 11:34

When our kids were young, we homeschooled them. They all eventually landed in public school but we started out teaching them at home. Some of my favorite homeschool memories were the science projects we did together.

 One year, my youngest daughter and I conducted an experiment to determine the effects that food coloring had on plant growth and production. We planted three healthy little green bean plants and used water with red food coloring to water one of the plants, water with equal amounts of yellow food coloring to water another, and plain water for the last plant. All the plants got the same amount of space to grow, amount of water and exposure to light. The food coloring was the only variable.

The plant given the yellow water fared the worst by far. Its leaves were yellow and sickly and its growth was stunted from the beginning. It survived (barely) but never did produce any beans. The plant with the red food coloring did a little better. It was small and sad-looking but it did eventually produce a few small, oddly shaped beans. We didn’t eat any of them because…well, frankly, they scared me.

At this point you may be wondering where exactly I’m going with all of this. I do have a point, I promise. The other day I was watching a newscast and some talking heads were debating the effects of our entertainment culture on youth in general and, more specifically, the effects of the gangsta hip-hop entertainment culture on impressionable teens.

The female talking head was convinced that the effects of popular entertainment were largely negative and pointed to social problems (promiscuity, teen pregnancy, high drop-out rates, drug use and violence, low opinion of women) among youth in some sectors as an example of how some forms of entertainment are slowly poisoning our youth.

 The male talking head was not convinced. He argued that many adolescents view sleazy entertainment and admire the hip-hop culture and do not necessarily have the same dramatic problems that others have. He was adamant that it is not the effects of the entertainment industry that is causing our plethora of social problems.

Their discussion reminded me of the bean plants. Let me explain…

Our little bean plants were affected by the food coloring they were fed—some more than others. The plant that was fed yellow food coloring was affected dramatically by its diet. The effects were clear and obviously negative.  The plant that was fed red food coloring was sick, but less so. The effects of its diet really didn’t show up until it came time for the plant to produce a crop, and then it was too scary to eat. The other plant that grew to be healthy and it produced a good crop of beans.

It seems a little crazy to assume that something as seemingly benign as food coloring would affect the growth and production of a plant but our little experiment proves it does. I am convinced that the entertainment we choose can affect our spirits, much like my food coloring laced water affected the growth and development of my little bean plants.

Scripture teaches that what think about matters (Philippians 4:8-9). We all think about what we see and what we hear, whether we recognize it or not. The human brain is a fascinating creation. It captures and remembers every image it sees and every word it hears and can—under the right conditions—recall information from years past.

For the last thirty years or so our culture has feasted on questionable entertainment choices and scoffed at the notion that those choices are causing a change in societal attitudes and behavior. Entertainment choices have changed us as a culture in several key ways…

Entertainment has normalized dysfunction~  

Dysfunction is as old as the earth itself. Every culture in every time has had its fair share of weirdness. Thanks to television, our modern age has redefined dysfunction as normal and healthy and the things that God defines as normal and healthy are now viewed with skepticism and even concern. By relentlessly calling good evil and evil good (Isaiah 5:20) the entertainment industry has convinced many that the stuff the Bible calls sin is nothing more than another lifestyle choice.

Entertainment has demolished the concept of shame~ 

When a person is constantly exposed to something that something, no matter how strange it is, will eventually be accepted and feel normal. For a very long time our culture has been exposed to a lot of questionable behavior and that behavior is now seen as standard. Because weird has morphed into the new normal, weird no longer feels uncomfortable and shame is a forgotten notion. Contrary to popular belief, shame is not necessarily a bad thing. Shame is like the warning light on a car. It is simply an indicator of an underlying problem that needs to be addressed. When we stop feeling shame, problems go unaddressed and moral breakdown is inevitable.  

The entertainment industry has redefined our role models~

We used to admire people for achievement and integrity. Thanks to reality television and the music industry we now venerate people for the ability to draw attention to themselves and make lots of money. The methods they use are rarely called into question and that has helped to create a nation of narcissists. Narcissists make terrible role models and our culture is crumbling from a lack of healthy men and women for kids to look up to.

Most of us assume that if something does not cause immediate death or quantifiable damage after the first exposure then it’s not really dangerous. Experience teaches us that some of the most harmful things in the physical world do not kill us quickly. They sicken us and kill us slowly. Sometimes we are completely ignorant of the reason why we are sick.

I do not believe that entertainment is the only reason our culture is collapsing in on itself. Nor do I believe that every kid who sees a hip-hop video will grow into a baggy-pants-clad criminal. There are many complex issues besieging our culture: the breakdown of the family, the increased use of drugs and alcohol, relativism, lack of accountability in government, and an educational system that is more inclined to propagandize children than teach them have all contributed to the decline. I believe the entertainment we choose can aid in the decline by exposing us to corrupt philosophies and breaking down our natural resistance to dysfunction.

I do not believe in boycotts but I do believe in tuning out and turning off anything sketchy. If Christians were willing to walk away from questionable entertainment choices the industry would be forced to take notice and we would be a healthier, happier, more productive culture for it.

I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart. I will set no worthless thing before my eyes~ Psalm 101:3 NASB

The Folly of Assumptions~

 With him are strength and sound wisdom; the deceived and the deceiver are his. He leads counselors away stripped, and judges he makes fools~ Job 12:16-17 ESV

Over the past weeks Americans have had a front row seat to a tragedy. The details of the heartbreak have unfolded on television screens across the country. I’m talking about the George Zimmerman trial. After following the trial closely on television I have come to three broad conclusions regarding this whole mess…

George Zimmerman behaved foolishly

Trayvon Martin responded impulsively

Nobody is a winner

This tragedy is one of those truly miserable situations when everybody involved has lost something incredibly precious. Trayvon has lost the opportunity to grow into a better, more levelheaded man; his parents have lost the privilege of witnessing that process; and Zimmerman and his family have lost the God-given right to a life of safety and anonymity.

I will not waste your time airing my opinions concerning the particulars of this trial or the state of race relations in America. Enough fools have done that and I am convinced we are not better people for it. My hope today is to bring to light a tendency that has been highlighted in the aftermath of this trial: the inclination we have to make assumptions and judge the motivations of people. Making assumptions about motives and rooting out evil intent has become a 21^st century witch-hunt.

Many are making the assumption that George Zimmerman shot Trayvon Martin because he is a racist monster. There is no proof of that pre-supposition—just a lot of really strong feelings.

The Zimmerman case is dramatic but not unique. Every day, all over the world, marriages, churches, business relationships, friendships and reputations have been and are in the process of being ruined by runaway assumptions. Many have gotten into the ugly habit of arrogantly assuming to know what someone was thinking or intending. For any finite human being to believe that they have the ability to discern the inner workings of another’s heart or mind is pride and folly on the highest possible level.

The word assumption has several meanings:

Something taken for granted

Belief without proof

An unproved starting point

There is an old adage that my Dad is rather fond of that explains what you will make of yourself if you make assumptions. My Dad’s sayings are always colorful and generally quite accurate, but seldom G-rated, so I will refigure his proverb for a more general audience:

“We make fools out of ourselves when we choose to assume.”

 Assumptions do much more than make the assumer look foolish; unchecked assumptions have the power to ruin people. The poor Shmuck who has been labeled as a hater and accused of sinister motives or evil intent is put in a position where it is impossible to prove that they are not the person they have been accused of being. It is simply not possible for one to put their heart on display and prove that they did not intend what people have assumed.

 Making assumptions about people and situations is not always born out of evil. It can simply be a bad habit born out of laziness, an unwillingness to communicate or just plain pride. There are five commitments we can make that will prevent us from falling into this dangerous and foolish trap…

 Assume good intent~ Philippians 4:8

Most people are not evil. Sometimes, people are just stupid or thoughtless or having a bad day. It’s in everybody’s best interest to choose to believe that people do not intend to hurt our feelings or deliberately cause us problems. We need to give people a break and assume good intentions rather than sinister motives. This is especially true concerning words; most folks just say stupid stuff of the cuff. They rarely mean it in the most horrible way it can be taken.

Be a grown-up~ Matthew 18:15

If someone hurts or offends you, you can do one of three things: You can have a mature, level-headed conversation with them about it, you can take the truly Christ-like path and choose to forget about it, or you can develop an opinion based on your feelings and limited understanding of reality. If you choose the latter you will inevitably end up spreading pain and hurt rather than grace and truth.

Get the facts~ Acts 19:36

This is particularly important when dealing with cases that end up on television. Most television news coverage is like town gossip: news outlets tend to share only the juiciest bits of information and leave the listener to fill in the blanks with suppositions and assumptions. Resist the temptation to form beliefs based on outward appearances and miniscule pieces of information rather than the whole story.

Use past behavior as an indicator of intent~ Proverbs 12:16

People make mistakes and have bad days. If someone has a history of being good and decent and they say or do something reckless or selfish it is in the best interest of healthy relationships to assume that they were having an off day. No one should be punished for having an off day. 

Let God be the judge of the human heart~ Samuel 16:7

Humans can (and sometimes should) make judgments about outward behavior, but judging motivations and intentions is God’s business and God’s business alone. He is the only one who is really capable of getting those judgments right. When we try to take over God’s job we open ourselves up for all kinds of spiritual and life consequences (Galatians 6:7). A key aspect of living a life of faith is holding firm to the conviction that God will deal with people in the way that they truly deserve in His time and in His way (Hebrews 4:13).

Assumptions are more than just regrettable lapses of judgment or a fun way to pass the time. Assumptions are foolish and unfair speculations that have the power to destroy. Enough lives, churches, businesses, reputations and relationships have been ruined by crazy, baseless conjectures. It’s time to end the madness. It’s time to stop judging people for thoughts and intentions they may or may not have. As believers it is our responsibility to spread peace and bring sanity to our fallen world. One tangible way we can do that is to model a life of believing the best in others and leaving the judging of intentions to God.

 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification~ Romans 14:19 

Parenting Teenagers~ Part two

 May he equip you with all you need for doing his will. 
May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, 
every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen~ Hebrews 13:21 NLT

For me, parenting has been a joy and a blessing. The experience has been challenging at times but God has used those challenges to help me grow up and make me a better human being. Even so, there were a few stages I could have lived without, like the party-all-night-sleep-all-day newborn phase or the less-than-pleasant “no” stage that all kids seem to go through around eighteen months.

I wasn’t a big fan of what I call the pathological liar stage that most boys hit somewhere between three and six, or the moody years that all girls seem to have between nine and eleven. With the exception of a few stages I have adored the process of watching my kids grow and transform before my eyes and as I have watched their transformations I have eagerly anticipated each and every new stage of their development—except one: the teenage years.

 Alan and I dreaded the teenage years. We feared them with the kind of blind panic that one might anticipate a root canal without Novocain or a visit from the IRS. I think part of our fear had to do with the unknown. The early years of parenting were really good for us and I think we were reluctant to have those years end.  Maybe it was all the horror stories we had heard from other parents. It’s possible that our anxiety was rooted in a fear of the law of retribution. We assumed that payback would be huge for misdeeds during our teen years.

For the most part, our fears were unfounded. I won’t lie and tell you that it was all rainbows and butterflies, it wasn’t. But the teen years have had their share of blessings. We’ve made some mistakes (especially with the first one) and learned some lessons the hard way but now that we are approaching the finish line with teenager number three I have some strategies to share with other parents. The first is…

Treat older teens and younger teens differently~

Younger teens (12-15) are a different animal altogether from older teens (16-18) and they should be dealt with in a completely different manner. Younger teens are buckets of frothing hormones that are often eager to experiment with new behaviors and dangerous peer groups. No matter how skilled they are at arguing otherwise, they are almost universally lacking the maturity necessary to make wise decisions and choices. It is essential that parents supervise this age group carefully while at the same time offering controlled opportunities for them to build trust and prove their ability to handle freedom wisely. These are the years when patterns are established. My experience has been that if you can get a kid through the early teens without experimenting with drugs, sneaking out of the house, alcohol, or sex they will be much less likely to try out these behaviors later. Older teens that have earned trust in the younger years should be given increasing amounts of freedom and responsibility as rewards for wise behavior.

Know their friends~

A person’s choice of friends does two things. First, they tell you a great deal about where that person is in life; people tend to gravitate towards people who are like them. Secondly, friends can give you a glimpse into a person’s future (Proverbs 22:24-15, 1^st Corinthians 15:33). For these two reasons it is vitally important that parents know who their kids are hanging out with. Beware of situations where all the kids in your child’s peer group are a mess. Don’t get sucked into the lie that your kid is the one kid in that group who is doing just fine. The chances are pretty good that if they aren’t a mess now they will be if they continue to spend all their time with kids who have serious problems.

Communicate your reasons for rules and standards clearly ~

By the time a child reaches the teen years adulthood is right around the corner. As adults they will be free to do whatever they please and as a parent you will have little to no input concerning their choices. One of the most powerful gifts we can give a teen is the gift of understanding how mature adults think, reason and come to conclusions about issues. One of the worst habits we can get into with kids is the “because I’m the parent” line of reasoning. This may work with young children but it builds resentment with teens, they end up feeling micro-managed and disrespected. Teens have a right to understand why you have made the rules you have made. I contend that if you can’t defend a rule or a standard it probably shouldn’t exist.

Suppress the urge to make appearance too much of a battle~

 Policies concerning appearance should be firm but minimal. We tried to stick to the basics: clothing had to be clean, modest and not anti-social in any way (no all black Goth get-ups or questionable messages on t-shirts or hind-ends). Hair had to be clean and we discouraged weird dye jobs. We did not allow piercings (except the girls’ ears), tattoos or gages, but did tell them that once they were completely financially independent those choices were up to them. We had a few years of hair we didn’t care for and clothing we thought was ugly but we had energy for other more important battles.

Create a short list of non-negotiable standards and fight for them~

Respect for our authority and standards, courtesy towards siblings, church attendance and reasonably good grades were our list of fixed requirements. Everything else was open for discussion but even with a list that short we were challenged at least once on every single one of these issues. One of our kids who had previously been an honor student let their grades tank to the point of shame in their freshman year of high school. We determined that those grades were a battle we were going to win. So we went about the process of stripping the kid of a life until they got their grades up. It was a long year. At the low point in the battle the kid had no social life, no TV or computer privileges and nothing in their room but a bed (I was terrified we’d have to take that away). The kid finally decided that the consequences of bad grades were worse than the work required to get decent grades and got all their privileges back. The key with this strategy is to keep the list of non-negotiable requirements fairly short and limited to the stuff that really matters. Don’t wear yourself out enforcing things that don’t matter. The truly important issues are all related to safety, morality, future prospects and respect.

Teach them that freedom and responsibility are linked~

For the last fifty years our culture has championed freedom while shunning personal responsibility and the results have been tragic. Drug and alcohol abuse is commonplace, the notion of sexual self-control is a joke to most folks, the term “starter marriage” is now an accepted expression and many young adults have prolonged adolescence well into the third decade of life.  If we want Christian kids to have different outcomes we have to link freedom to responsibility early in life. We do that by giving freedom and privilege in response to responsible behavior.  The formula should be simple and spelled out: if teens treat their families with courtesy and respect then they get to have the privilege of a social life, if they get decent grades they get to drive etc.

Talk to them~

These years are the home stretch of the parenting marathon and it is imperative that you make the most of every minute.  Spend time conversing with them and resist the urge to do all the talking. Listen to them, and hear what they have to say about their perspectives and beliefs. Explain to them why you believe what you believe and how you came to set standards for yourself and your family. There will be times when you feel the need to correct wrong thinking; as much as possible do it in a conversational and respectful tone. Instead of telling them flat out that they are wrong about a particular view encourage them to tell you how they came to their conclusion. Make them reason out their beliefs with you and then tell them how you came to your own conclusions on the same subject. It will make them think about what they believe and lay the groundwork for a more adult friendship later on.

Consider college choices carefully~

After many years of working with youth I have discovered that a lot of really great parenting can be completely undone by one year of living on the campus of a secular university. Secular campuses offer a tempting array of sinful choices and slick-sounding philosophies that can easily take kids captive (Colossians 2:8). The kids that seem to have the best spiritual outcomes are the ones who either live at home while attending a secular school or attend a Christian university. If you do choose to send your son or daughter to a secular university I strongly recommend that you get them in touch with a good campus ministry such as Young Life or Chi Alpha.

Embrace Grace~

The teen years are in many ways comparable to the toddler years. The kids are bigger and their verbal skills are far more advanced but many of the challenges are similar. The teen years are a crazy mix of mistakes, sudden realizations, milestones of maturity, emotional turmoil and more than a few temper tantrums (from parents as well as teens). Just as kids fell down as they were learning to walk they will fall down as they learn to maneuver the world of adult responsibility and morality. Expect failure, correct it when it happens, curb any urges you have to hold grudges and quickly embrace forgiveness.

The teen years do not have to be terrible. They are challenging and at times trying but they are also a relatively short season in the life of your child. I have learned through trial and error that with a little work and a lot of prayer they can be the best most rewarding years of parenting. In the end it all comes down to loving your kids enough to get involved in their lives, trusting God with their future and watching the process of growth unfold.

The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your faithfulness~ Isaiah 38:19

Foundations for Raising Great Teenagers

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them~ Deuteronomy 4:9

There are a number of unpleasant indicators that one is getting older. While much of the evidence is painfully evident in the mirror every morning, there are some more subtle signs that age is creeping up on you. Like when you realize that novelty is suddenly more annoying than intriguing and that all the music you liked in high school is now being played in shopping malls and doctors’ offices.

For my husband and I, the biggest wake-up call that we were getting older was the day we realized that at some point we had stopped asking parenting questions. Somehow, at some point, we had become a source of answers for younger parents.

Several years ago, it became even more apparent that we were no longer the “cute young couple” when people started asking us to teach classes specifically on parenting teenagers. The first time someone asked us to consider teaching such a class I was a little miffed that they thought I was mature (old) enough to be an authority on the subject.  Then I remembered our second child had graduated from high school and our oldest was of legal drinking age (sigh).

I have since come to terms with the fact that we are indeed old enough to be teaching on the subject, although we still haven’t done it. This is mostly due to my personal child-rearing philosophy. While I believe that there are some specific things parents can do and not do to help ensure smooth sailing (more or less) through the teen years, I also believe that success in the teen years hinges almost entirely on the foundation you laid in early childhood. If you fail to lay a foundation or lay the wrong one all of the clever techniques in the world won’t make that much difference in the young adult years. Next week I talk about parenting teens, but first I need to share what I see as the foundation all parents must lay in the lives of their children.

Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee success due to two things every child is born with: freewill and a sin nature. Because of these variables it is possible to do all the right stuff and still have a kid who chooses to go their own way, but I can assure you that you will have a much greater chance of spiritual and ethical success with your child if you teach and reinforce these six foundational truths:

Respect for authority~ Romans 13:1-7

Respect for every human authority originates with a healthy respect for parents. Lack of respect for Mom and Dad often bears unpleasant fruit later in life when disrespect mutates into rebellion and young people clash with other authority figures including their friends’ parents, teachers, coaches, police and employers. Kids who refuse to conform to the wishes of human authority will never submit to the ultimate authority: God. You can save your child a lifetime of pain and misery by simply teaching them to obey and that you mean what you say. It is neither necessary nor helpful to be domineering or harsh with your child as you teach them these lessons. There must be well thought out and clearly defined consequences for disobedience and those consequences must ALWAYS be seen through.

Self-control~ Proverbs 25:28

At the root of nearly every societal ill affecting our world today is a lack of self-control. Violence, vandalism, thievery, out-of-wedlock births, educational failure and even many marital train wrecks are all a result of a society where individuals have not learned to squash their less savory impulses. As Christian parents it is imperative that we teach our kids that there are some potentially painful consequences for saying everything you think or following through on every impulse that strikes you. Kids who learn this lesson early in life are much less likely to bring sorrow to their parents in the teen years.

Concern for others~ Proverbs 19:17, Ephesians 4:32

I am convinced that empathy, kindness, and concern for the well being of others are not natural urges to most individuals. These character traits must be carefully cultivated in kids. We do this through both modeling and education. Kids will never become what they don’t see. We model concern for others through volunteering our time, offering monetary help to the less fortunate and through simple acts of kindness. It is equally important that we explain to our kids why we are doing these things or they may grow up believing that kindness and compassion are simply one option to choose rather than a commanded way of life for Christians. Some of the very best arguments against dangerous teenage behavior are the effect that behaviors such as pre-marital sex, drinking, drug use and carousing can have on innocent bystanders. If kids haven’t been taught to take other peoples’ feelings and needs into consideration prior to the teen years it is unlikely that they ever will. 

Personal responsibility~ 1^st John 1:8-10

A person who takes personal responsibility is able to identify their misdeeds and sins and take ownership for them. Children (and adults) who have never learned to take responsibility will cast blame on others for their own actions, shift responsibility and refuse to apologize or make restitution for their screw-ups. If a child makes it to the teen years with no sense of personal responsibility you will have a nightmare on your hands. That kid will spend all of their energy trying to convince you that nothing is their fault. If someone refuses to own blame they inevitably become stubborn and hostile when confronted with the consequences of their actions.  

Fear God~ Psalm 128:1, Proverbs 1:7

 Have you noticed that nobody likes to talk about fearing God anymore? I think its because it just sounds very old fashioned and fundamentalist. As antiquated as the fear of God feels to our 21^st century sensibilities, it is still an important concept to teach and embrace. Kids need to know that there is a God who not only loves them like crazy, but also demands justice, mercy and right living (Micah 6:8). They also need to understand that each of us will be accountable to God for our choices (Hebrews 4:13).  Embracing these two truths is often the only thing that keeps our egotism and bad behavior in check, especially during the self-interest driven teen years.

Biblical knowledge~ Psalm 119:104-106

There are plenty of folks who are hostile to the Christian faith and if you want to prevent your child from becoming one of them you need to teach them the basics of the faith and how to defend what they believe. This is a life-long process that is primarily the responsibility of the parents, but a good church can be helpful. Look for a church that makes Bible training a priority for all ages.

One of the weirdest characteristics of the parenting experience is the feeling you have when your children are small. You think they will be small forever. It feels like they will always be helpless and cute. This sense that the hands-on aspect of parenting will last forever can lull us into believing that we have forever to teach them adult truths. The reality is very different. Kids grow up in the blink of an eye and the years we have to influence their character are limited. The earlier you start the easier it is; but if your kids are still at home it’s not too late to begin the process of training them to be biblically knowledgeable, compassionate, self-controlled, Christ-followers. I believe God blesses effort, and the minute you begin to make the effort the blessings begin.       

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it~ Proverbs 22:6