Five Keys to Keeping our Kids Christian

  The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your faithfulness~ Isaiah 38:19

Over the last few months I have read a number of articles on the topic of why kids who were raised in Christian homes are leaving the faith. Parents and leaders are alarmed that roughly seventy percent of all kids who have been raised in evangelical churches leave the church upon graduation from high school. A small number of them return years later when they have families of their own, but the vast majority of our young people are simply leaving the faith they were raised in, never to return.

This statistic is troubling for a number of reasons. First, this statistic reaches across denominational lines; Baptists, Assemblies of God, Evangelical Free, Christian Missionary Alliance, and non-denominational evangelicals are all experiencing the same losses, which tells me that no one is getting it right and there is currently no how-to program available to save us. Secondly, if money were the issue we wouldn’t be in the mess were in; the vast majority of evangelical churches spend a small fortune on children and youth in an attempt to keep kids engaged in church during their growing up years. If seventy percent of kids are leaving our churches as young adults it means we are wasting a shocking amount of God’s money on a failing system.

Third, when young adults have been interviewed about why they left the faith, they state overwhelmingly that when confronted with arguments against the Bible and Christianity (usually in high school or college) the arguments against the faith appeared credible; that suggests to me that church kids are reaching adulthood biblically illiterate and unable to give a cogent reason for why they believe what they believe.

 I have some experience on all sides of this issue. As a licensed minister in my denomination I have attended numerous meetings and seminars intended to address the problem. Until this last year I taught the Bible to high school and college students in a large evangelical church. During those seven years of teaching I got to know at least two hundred students and see what they did with their faith after high school. On a more personal level I am the Mother of three young adults who are by the grace of God all still in church.

After reading and rereading books and articles on this subject, I wonder if we aren’t approaching this problem from the wrong angle. Most of the articles I read focus entirely on two issues: improving existing church programs and the specific reasons why young adults are leaving. I will be the first to say that I believe there are some things Churches could do to improve the situation (more on that later) but focusing almost entirely on our churches as the source of the problem when most kids spend only a few hours a week there seems a bit myopic to me.

Focusing on the ones who leave also seems somewhat pointless; beyond finding the commonalities of their reasons I don’t know how much we can learn from them without dissecting each of their motives on an individual level. After many years of church work I have observed that two kids can grow up with identical church experiences and have radically different spiritual outcomes.

 I believe that the key to understanding this problem lies in looking at the thirty percent of the kids who stay and trying to figure out what those kids have in common. After twenty-three years of parenting and watching other people parent their kids, as well as many years of active youth ministry, I have watched a lot of kids grow into adulthood. Some of those kids have embraced the faith and some have not.

The ones who do tend to have one thing in common: similar families. These are families that value faith and lovingly discipline their kids. These parents understand that it’s not church programs that keep kids engaged in church; it’s wise parents who keep their kids engaged. Today I am going to share five characteristics I have observed of families who succeed spiritually with their kids. Some of these my husband and I did well and some I wish we had done better; there is more to parenting than these five principles but they are a good start. Families that keep their kids Christian tend to…

 Create routine and embrace tradition~

I am convinced that keeping kids Christian is as much about creating a secure environment and strong sense of identity as teaching truth. Nothing makes a kid feel safer and more loved than knowing that their life is going to be the same day after day, year after year. Routines and traditions assure kids of this and help them to form a sense of family identity. A strong sense of family identity makes them more likely to embrace the family’s values later in life.  Little things like eating dinner together as a family or making the same cookies every Christmas help kids feel secure and a part of something bigger than themselves.   Traditions don’t have to be elaborate to make a difference. When our kids were young we wanted to teach them that Christmas was about more than getting. So we started the tradition of buying a farm animal for a family in a third world country every year. It was as simple as deciding what we wanted to do and writing a check but to this day my kids still enjoy going through the gift catalog and picking out a goat or a flock of chickens for a family they’ve never met.  Any small thing done on a regular basis becomes a part of a family’s unique identity.

Shelter their kids~ (wisely)

 All of the families I know who have successfully launched their kids spiritually have sheltered their kids from the seamier side of life by limiting their access to books, television, movies and music and other worldly influences when they were young. These families did not attempt to keep them ignorant of the world forever; as their kids matured they opened up a dialog with their kids about life choices, introducing their kids to a biblical way of looking at the world in the process. These families understood that there is a right way and a wrong way to shelter kids. Sheltering kids can be dangerous when we forget that all kids grow into adults who will inevitably be faced with the opportunity to make sinful choices. Healthy sheltering is aimed at keeping kids pure rather than innocent. An innocent person knows nothing about a subject; a pure person may know a good deal about something sinful but they understand the consequences of choosing wrong and so they choose right. Innocence is dangerous in a corrupt culture. Innocent people are often naïve and even foolish. Someone who has chosen purity is wise and self-protective.

Have fun together~

The most well-adjusted teenagers I have known are the ones who come from families that make fun a daily part of their family life. Fun doesn’t have to be expensive to be meaningful; it’s the memory that’s made that matters. Camping trips, movie nights, board games, general silliness and water fights are all inexpensive ways to create fond family memories. As the kids get older it’s important to keep having fun as family. Some parents (especially Moms) put a lot of energy into making memories with kids when they are small and then leave kids to make their own fun as they approach the teen years. Teenagers may not be as obviously expressive or grateful for the effort you make but they need the fun every bit as much as they did when they were small.

Teach the Bible and apply biblical principles to real life situations~

Wise parents understand that it is their responsibility to train their kids in the way that they should go, not the Church’s job.  There are 168 hours in a week. Even if our kids are in Church every time the doors are open there is no way they will learn everything they need to learn in those few hours to grow into healthy, God-fearing adults. It’s important to teach not just the Bible stories to kids but to teach the principles behind the stories as well. The story of Esther is not just about a pretty girl who won a beauty contest. It’s about a flawed young woman who changed the world with one act of bravery and faith. We also need to let our kids see us living out God’s commands in a real way. Once when my youngest daughter was a newborn I took the gang to the grocery store. The trip was a nightmare from the get-go. The horrors included a crying infant, older kids who kept asking me for stuff (a big no-no in our house), endless whining about being hungry, many disapproving looks from other customers, and an unfortunate incident where we knocked over a display of oranges. After an hour of torture (for me and everybody else in Winn-Dixie that day) I got checked out and made to the car. When I took the kids’ jackets out of the cart I found some groceries that I hadn’t paid for. I would love to tell you I instantly embraced the right choice; the truth is I actually had a little debate with myself about returning the stuff to the store; after all, it wasn’t a lot of stuff and I was pretty sure the store employees never wanted to see us again. I did the right thing (grudgingly) and tried to put the whole incident out of my mind until about five years ago when my son asked me if I remembered that day. (Unfortunately, I did). It was all worth the trouble when he told me that that one act of honesty had a huge impact on him as he was growing up.

Communicate honestly~

When our kids were born my husband and I made a commitment to always answer our kids’ questions about life openly and honestly. We have had that pledge challenged a few times over the years; like when our twelve year asked one morning at breakfast what oral sex was. Or when our eight year old wanted to know what Viagra did. These are tough questions but they are the kind of questions kids who grow up in the 21^st century ask. If we don’t answer them, someone else will and they may not give the answers we would like. Truthfully answering hard questions (in an age- appropriate way) has given us countless opportunities to shape the worldview of our kids

~

 Keeping our kids in the faith is one of the greatest spiritual battles of our time. Churches can turn the tide in this battle by being intentional about equipping parents to do the job that God has called them to. Most modern churches have segregated their members by age; youth and children often have their own services completely separate from adults. Many children do not even enter the church sanctuary until they have reached adulthood and we wonder why they feel uncomfortable there. Occasional “family services” could help solve this problem as would incorporating family activities (family skate nights, barbeques etc.) into youth and children’s’ programs.

The key to keeping our kids Christian is for churches and parents to work together to teach and train our kids. Both are needed if we are going to help our kids successfully navigate our culture in a way that keeps our kids in the faith. The parents of the thirty percent tend to view parenting as a discipleship opportunity. They instill discipline and faith in their kids at every opportunity using Deuteronomy 6:6-8 as a model. These parents know that the most important thing they can do for their kids is to love them enough to nurture faith in them.

 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates~ Deuteronomy 6:6-9 

Copyright Lisa Price 2013

What Love Does~

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth~ 1^st John 3:18

My oldest daughter is and has always been an extremely literal, logical little being. I will not tell you the lengths I had to go to persuade her that hotdogs contained no dog. Until she was about nine she was convinced that if hotdogs were truly dog free they would have been given a different name. Her logical nature led to more than just misunderstandings about the content of convenience foods.    

She went through a brief phase where she was convinced that if someone did not give her what she wanted or let her do what she wanted they did not really love her. Because she equated love with leniency and indulgence she concluded that any thwarting of her desires was proof of a lack of love.  

If I didn’t let her have cookies for lunch or sleep in her bed with her it was because I didn’t love her. If her Dad disciplined her for playing in the street or hitting her brother it was because he didn’t love her. Her thinking wasn’t entirely selfish either. If we didn’t let her brother or even the dog do what they wished we didn’t really love them either.

Needless to say it was a very irritating (but thankfully short-lived) phase that finally ended by my describing in no uncertain terms what some of the possible consequences of her wants could be (being squished by a car, scurvy etc.).  After that discussion she concluded that loving parents sometimes had to put limits on their kids for the sake of their health if nothing else.

Unfortunately, many grown-ups struggle with the same shallow perspective of love. Many are like my little girl: they equate love with leniency and indulgence. These people believe that if you love someone, you show your love by letting them do anything they want and they will respond by loving you back. This group is often shocked when their attempts at loving their children in this fashion result in bratty little disasters.   

Some believe that if you love someone, you never criticize, warn or reprimand them. These days love is equated with all-embracing acceptance of behavior and yet you seldom see this line of thinking carried out to its logical conclusion: i.e. if it’s unloving to warn against potentially dangerous behavior, why do we stop people from cutting themselves or even committing suicide?

Folks in the Church tend to be more balanced, but not always. There are plenty of Christians who have a wimpy, one-dimensional perspective of love. These folks believe that love is warm and sentimental, never challenging or tough. The love that the Bible presents is complex and rich. It’s as gentle as a Mother with her newborn (1^st Thessalonians 2:6-8) but it has teeth in the sense that it will fight to the death for the soul of a single sinner (Luke 15:7, Romans 5:8).

 God’s love accepts and receives all people regardless of past choices; but it also encourages, cajoles, and anticipates effort towards greater spiritual growth and personal transformation (2 Corinthians 13:11). I think that one of the best ways to define love is as a verb, an action word (thanks, DC Talk). Today I want to attempt to define love by looking at four aspects of what love does.

Love feels compassion and is moved by empathy~ Matthew 9:36

Sometimes the words empathy and compassion are used interchangeably but they don’t really mean the same thing. Compassion means to feel sympathy for someone i.e. to feel bad about his or her situation. Empathy is a much richer word; it means that you understand and identify with someone in such a way that you are moved to action on behalf of that person. When Jesus felt compassion for people he was always compelled to act on their behalf. Love does more than feel sorry for people; it seeks to understand why they are the way that they are and then it works to meet the needs of that individual.   

Love is self-sacrificing~ Ephesians 5:1-2

We often talk about the life of Jesus as a model of self-sacrifice but I think we need an example with skin on: Emil Kapaun was a Catholic priest who served as an Army Chaplain during the Korean War. When his platoon was attacked in November 1950 he chose to stay behind with the wounded soldiers rather than escape; he was taken captive by a Chinese soldier as he prayed over the body of a dead soldier. He and the wounded were taken on the Tiger Death March to a North Korean prison camp; Kapaun carried a man with a broken ankle saving him from certain extermination.

Korean prison camps were not pleasant places. While there Kapaun made every effort to make it a better place for the other prisoners. He traded the guards his pocket watch for blankets so he could make socks, turned old tee shirts into bandages, and snuck out to wash the bandages for the wounded. He repaired leaking water bottles using burnt rubber from the soles of discarded shoes. He risked his own life to sneak out at night into the fields surrounding the camp looking for potatoes and grain, which he gave to the other men.  He kept morale up among the prisoners in the camp by praying with men, joking with them and singing their national anthems with them. He heard confessions and even held a Sunrise Easter service within the camp. He died of pneumonia on May 23^rd 1951 as he requested his guard’s forgiveness.

In Christian circles we talk a lot about what it means to live a life of sacrifice. As I read the story of Emil Kapaun I found myself grateful for an example of what self-sacrifice really looks like.

Love is Committed~ Proverbs 27:10, Psalm 85:10

We live in a time when the concepts of commitment and duty are rather squidgy and vague. Life-long marriages, business relationships and friendships are becoming increasingly rare. God calls us to a life of love. Love is defined by faithfulness and commitment. I understand that some relationships are so toxic that there are times when you have to separate yourself from someone for the sake of your own health and wellbeing. That said, I have observed that Christians (me included) are awfully quick to judge relationships of all kinds “unworkable”, “unhealthy” or “unproductive”; without doing the hard work of communicating until we get to the root of the problem, taking ownership for our part in things and then forgiving. I believe that by being so quick to avoid the hardships of long-term relationships we may be missing out on the joy and satisfaction that comes from having a life-long bond with another person.   

Love celebrates growth and transformation~ Hebrews 6:9

God celebrates growth in His children and His children should celebrate the growth they see in one another. A few weeks ago God blessed me with an incredible weekend; I returned to my beloved Northwest and enjoyed a rain-free weekend where I had the privilege of ministering at a ladies retreat, fellowshipping with an incredible group of women, eating food I didn’t have to cook and reconnecting with old friends. The best part of the whole weekend by far was observing the spiritual growth and maturity that God has brought about in the lives of my friends over the last year. The Christian life is about transformation and growth (Philippians 2:12). Transformation and growth are hard work because they require death to self and death of any kind is difficult and extremely painful. Recognizing and celebrating the growth we see in others is a big piece of fulfilling the command to “encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13)

Love is the one emotion that is eternal and a longing that can only be completely satisfied through relationship with God.  It is important to have a biblical understanding of love because when we comprehend love we grasp who God is and what He’s all about. When we grasp who God really is we are better equipped to take His love into the world and be the transforming force God has called us to be.

 “Of all the commandments, which is the most important? “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these”~ Mark 12:28-31 

Keeping the Faith in Fearful Times

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:1

I like Facebook—probably more than I should. It’s the biggest time-suck in the known universe but it’s also a great way to keep up on the lives of people I don’t get to see very often. Unfortunately, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will come across some weird stuff as I am perusing Facebook catching up on who’s-up-to-what.  The never-ending string of outlandish opinions, crazy-intense political views, unguarded sharing of personal information, weird recipes; the frequent and illogical use of vulgarity and strange religious posts intended to guilt us into professing our love for Jesus never fail to amuse and at times astonish me.

 Recently I came across a series of posts that I found more disturbing than amusing. The posts all ran along the same lines. The poster who always wishes to remain anonymous will claim to have some information (but no documentation) that proves that Christians are considered to be a top terrorist threat by the U.S government.  Honestly, I have no idea if this claim is true or not; but I find the notion that someone in the U.S. government thinks that Christians are a terrorist threat rather entertaining.

As someone who has spent a good part of my adult life attempting to motivate Christians to action I can tell you for a fact that Christians are a rather disorganized, fragmented and peaceful bunch. Nothing is more challenging than getting a large number of Christians worked up enough over something to take action.

There are at least 217 different Christian denominations in America and the numbers are growing everyday—mostly because Christians can’t agree on the essentials of doctrine, let alone on the complexities of how to organize as a credible threat against the system. Besides, most of the Christians I know are far to busy making a living, paying their taxes, raising their families and serving in their Churches to terrorize anybody.

 It’s not the posts themselves that bother me; there is not a whole lot I can do about such things and I try not to worry about things I cannot control. It’s the responses and comments regarding the posts that concerned me. Not all of the responses were worrisome; a few were amusing. Here is a sample of some of those:

“Yay! We're finally #1!!!”

“Thank goodness the government is learning who the real bad guys are”

“Something to think about tomorrow morning in church” (I’m assuming that this person plans to contemplate the content of the post rather than their Pastor’s sermon)

The ones that concerned me went more like these…

“Every day I read another story like this and feel very worried that too many are not paying attention. We the people need to stop this government”

“Somebody with some sense needs to straighten out this STUPIDITY...DISCRIMINATION ON BASIS OF RELIGION IS ILLEGAL!!!”

“This is truly scary. Who is to help? What should we do this government is not of the people by the people for the people. We must stop this. Is there anyone put there listening or helping?”

The content of these reactions didn’t bother me all that much. It is the sentiment behind the content that concerned me. I sense two attitudes in these responses. The first is fear: fear of losing our rights and privileges, fear of persecution and fear of the future.

The fear is troubling because as believers we are instructed to fear nothing and no one but God (Luke 12:4). I believe that God wants us to deal with our fear because fear is a squirrely, unstable emotion that can simultaneously paralyze us and drive us to frenzied, faithless action.

When we walk in fear we can easily be cowed into silence when we are given opportunities to speak the truth or act on the behalf of the marginalized and less fortunate. Walking in fear rather than faith often leads to emotional reaction instead of thoughtful response. Unfettered emotional reaction nearly always leads to foolish words and choices that cause irrevocable harm to everyone involved. 

Secondly, and much more troubling, I sense a weirdly misplaced faith: faith in our “rights” as American citizens, faith in our founding documents rather than God and His coming Kingdom. This faith is unfortunate because there is little in this world less stable and dependable than human government.

Faith is at its core trusting that someone will come through on the promises that they have made. God has promised that God’s people may at times suffer but will eventually be victorious. Reading these posts has forced me to take a good hard look at my own faith and where that faith ultimately lies. I too have been guilty of becoming unsettled and fearful when I hear stories about government intrusion and fundamental American rights being stripped away from law-abiding citizens.

I have come to believe it is crucial that God’s people keep a sense of perspective in these uncertain times. God is still God and we have to trust that He has a plan and purpose for all of this absurdity. That kind of faithful trust is born from exposure to God’s word (Romans 10:13) and obedience to God’s word. The more we hear, the more we obey, and the more we obey, the more we believe. One aspect of obedience is seeking the good of whatever culture we have been placed in. Jeremiah was commanded to pen these words as his people were carried into exile by an evil, corrupt government…

This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce.  Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper~ Jeremiah 29:4-7

These times are uncertain and scary for people of faith. But uncertain times are also times of great opportunity. We have before us the opportunity to show a culture what real faith looks like by blessing others rather than fearing, or withdrawing from society. In order to bless our culture we must involve ourselves in it, remembering as we do that we live in a post-Christian culture.   

Involving ourselves in a post-Christian culture means thinking and operating like missionaries in our communities. It means being strategic and careful to lovingly engage our neighbors in conversations about faith and life. If we are going to engage our culture we must be deliberate in how we raise our children, teaching and training them to be people of both great faith and fearless action.

We must prayerfully consider involving ourselves in the nuts and bolts of government by running for public office and doing enough research on issues and candidates to ensure that we are really voting for wise people. It is imperative that people of faith learn to voice their views in a humble and caring way. And by far the most important thing we can do for society in these corrupt times is to live virtuously and uprightly as examples to prove that God’s way is truly the right way. As we walk fearlessly in faith, God will walk with us.

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel~ Philippians 1:27