Dealing With the List and Other Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

As a newlywed I felt that I was at a distinct disadvantage when it came to relationships. As a Christian I knew that marriage was important and I wanted very much to have a successful relationship; but I had very few (read: no) good examples to draw from. I had relatives who had successful marriages but was not super close to any of them. My parents’ relationship was a less than ideal model; although they stayed together their interactions with one another were, well, less than loving and I knew that I wanted something better for my own marriage. I decided that the best way to figure how happily married people stayed happily married was to watch married people and learn from them.

I have been observing both happily and not-so-happily married couples for well over two decades and have had some of my original assumptions regarding marriage challenged through the years. Early on I believed that there had to be a formula, a magic list of do’s and don’ts that would ensure success. I logically concluded that if I could figure out the formula my husband and I would be blissfully happy.

 I now know that there is no formula. Happy couples come in all shapes and sizes and when we try to fit our relationship into someone else’s mold we make ourselves miserable. That said I do believe that there are some secrets that happily married people have discovered. Today I will share five of them. The happiest couples…

Secret #1

Acknowledge and deal with the list ~

When I got married there was a list of things in my head that I wanted my husband to take ownership of. These issues are part of what motivated me to get married in the first place. These tasks included: home repairs, investigating scary noises, mowing the lawn, and squashing spiders. I have since learned three truths regarding my list: first, everybody has a secret list of reasons why they get married that they rarely talk about.  Second, no one gets everything on their list—especially if they keep their list a secret. Third, the list is not a problem not dealing with the list is. Not talking about this stuff is at the root of many divorces; no spouse can possibly meet a need they don’t know exists. For most women their list includes all the stuff I mentioned and maybe a few other things like assembling furniture and dealing with the mechanic. For men it’s stuff like sex, cleaning the bathroom and never having to deal with the daycare lady. Often we pretend we don’t feel the way do because our lists seem so sexist and unenlightened: women feel weak admitting they hate dealing with spiders and the mechanic and men feel like jerks confessing that they got married so they could have sex and not clean the bathroom. Happy couples bring their wants and needs out into the open and then go about negotiating a system that is equitable for both of them in a non-judgmental way.

Secret #2

Deal with issues privately~

Dealing with your issues privately does not dismiss the possibility of getting help from a professional. It means you don’t use your Mom or best friend as your counselor. The problem with sharing our struggles with friends and family is two-fold. First, none of us wants to confess our part in the conflict when we are unloading; we tend to leave out big portions of any story that make us look bad. Secondly, the people you tell your problems to don’t get to see you and your spouse resolve the conflict and so they are left with an overwhelmingly negative perception of your spouse. It then becomes very difficult for them to let go of their perceptions and be supportive of your marriage even after incidents are long forgotten in your mind. Happy couples keep their problems private; if they find that they have something they just can’t work out, they make an appointment with a professional who will keep them both honest.

Secret #3

Do life together~

Because we are all so busy there is a temptation amongst married couples to live essentially separate lives, seeing each other only on weekends and communicating through texts and then reconnecting at big romantic events i.e. vacation getaways, expensive dinners and marriage conferences. I have observed that the happiest couples rarely partake in such events; instead they connect on a daily basis over the minutia of life. They shop together, watch TV together, cook together and parent the kids together. I believe that these couples have discovered the key to marital endurance: friendship. Friendships need routine attention to keep them vibrant and fresh and happy couples make routine attention a priority.

Secret #4

Refuse to keep score~

I remember a conversation I had with a friend years ago, when my first child was a newborn. My friend informed me that when she and her husband had kids she was going to create a “diaper chart” to ensure that her husband changed as many diapers as she did. I was not at all surprised to hear that this woman is divorced. I have learned over the years that the work of marriage is never “fair” and trying to make it fair is the quickest way to create friction and discord. There are times when one spouse puts in fifty percent of the effort of making things work and the other spouse puts in one hundred and fifty percent of the effort; in time these things tend to reverse themselves, and it all evens out over time. Happy couples work for the good of the relationship as if they are keeping score without actually keeping score.

Secret #5

Persevere~

Over the years my husband and I have known some couples that have struggled through some really tough stuff. Some of these couples have made it through with marriages that are stronger and healthier than ever; others have divorced. I have always wondered what makes one couple survive through periods of boredom or difficulty and another divorce. After some deliberation I have concluded that it’s all about grit and determination.  It’s about making a decision to live one day at a time till you get to the other side, because the other side always does come. The happiest couples have the ability to keep the big picture in mind; they know that if they are willing to put in the work things will get better. In short happy couples refuse to give up.

~

As Christians, marriage matters. Not just because it is a picture of a divine reality (Ephesians 5:31-33), but also because it is a witness to a lost and dying world that the addition of God into a relationship can make a difference in the outcome of that relationship. I believe with all of my heart that the secret to having a happy and fulfilling marriage is to realize that the purpose of marriage is not just to make us happy—although a good marriage is a source of great happiness—but also to make us better, more considerate, more holy people. 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins~ 1^st Peter 4:8

Guest Blogger: Danielle Price

Hello, everyone. My name is Danielle Price, Lisa Price's eldest daughter. She asked me to fill in while she's out of town, and while doing the awesome job she does is a tall order, I'll do my best. :)

“The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ.” –1 Corinthians 12:12

                  I’m a bit of a science nerd. (I’m a bit of a nerd period, but that’s another story.) Up until tenth grade—when science classes became chemistry classes and seventy-five percent of what I learned in those classes was math—I loved science. When I was a girl, I spent hours poring over kid-friendly books about space, the natural world, and especially the human body.

                  Through reading those books, I learned a slew of interesting facts about the incredible organism we call the human body. Well-known things, like the fact hair is made from dead cells; obscure things, like the fact that fingernails grow at roughly the rate of continental drift (don’t ask me why I remember that one because I couldn’t tell you)—all of these facts managed to stick in my brain, and they are just as fascinating to me today as they were on the day I learned them. But the main lesson I learned was this: The human body is far more complex than even modern scientists realize; and the more we learn about it, the more complex it becomes.

                  Somehow, I managed to forget that when I heard that the Church is the body of Christ. My first thought was probably the same as everyone else’s: “Oh, that’s nice. Paul means everyone in the Church needs to work together. No eyeballs saying ‘Hasta la vista!’ to feet, no feet telling the spleen to go away—we’re all in this together.” And then I moved on.

                  But the more I thought about the Church, the more facts about the human body kept popping into my head. And the more facts popped into my head, the more I realized that the Church is and should be as complex as the human body.

                  Let’s look at blood as an example. Many of us think of blood as a single substance, an oozing red liquid that keeps us alive. But blood isn’t made up of one substance; it’s made up of four primary components: red blood cells, white blood cells, platelets, and plasma. Each of these components has a specific function: red blood cells carry oxygen, white blood cells fight disease and build immunity, platelets form clots when the skin is broken and thus prevent blood loss, and plasma carries all three throughout the body at the speed of a single heartbeat. Even that explanation is a vast oversimplification of the many functions those components perform.

                  Now, could God have made blood into one substance that performed all four functions by itself? Of course. But I believe God made blood into four separate, harmonious components for many reasons. One of those reasons is to provide his people with a picture of how the Church is supposed to be: many separate, different people all working for a common good.

                  Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

When Feet and Hands Attack

                  There are many things to love about the Church. But it is also made up of flawed human beings, working for the good of other flawed human beings, so mistakes are inevitable. One of the mistakes many Christians make is to believe everyone in the Church is called to serve God in the same way you are. 

                  Please don’t take my use of “you” as an accusation, because it’s not. I’ve been guilty of this before, so when I use the word “you,” I mean to include everyone, especially myself. I believe it is a trap that everyone succumbs to sooner or later. The most common way we succumb to that trap is by thinking, usually subconsciously, that our ministry is the only ministry that can bring people to Christ.

                  Say, for instance, that there is a young woman in her twenties and an older woman in her fifties. The younger woman is called to be a missionary to India; the older woman is called to serve the homeless at a local soup kitchen. In human body terms, the younger woman is the feet of Jesus, and the older woman is the hands.

                  Now, both ministries are important—vitally so. Both have the potential to meet the physical and spiritual needs of the lost, and both ministries are drastically underserved. However, rather than recognizing this truth, the two women look down on each other. The younger woman has a habit of telling the older woman about the terrible human trafficking trade in India, and pointing out how much those girls need to hear about Jesus. The older woman counters the younger woman’s thinly veiled criticisms with her own: She tells the younger woman about single mothers on the streets with no way of providing for their infants, and adds that they need hope as well as food. Both of these women are absolutely right—and both women are absolutely wrong.

                  Both of these women are called to serve God with their strengths, and both women are wholeheartedly devoted to God through their callings. But neither woman is devoted to the other, and neither values the other’s ministry as much as she values her own.

                  Now, is a missionary called to perform acts of service? Of course—we all are. Likewise, the one who serves the homeless is called to be a missionary to those she serves—as we all are. But feet are not made to serve alone. (I wouldn’t recommend trying to prove me wrong on this one. Technically, it is possible to serve the homeless with your feet, but if you try it, you will have a long line of hungry, angry homeless people demanding to know why you just used your dirty feet to ladle perfectly good soup onto the floor.) And it is unfair to expect hands to travel. (Again, they can, but that doesn’t mean they should. Missionaries who walk on their hands are unheard of for a reason.) Rather than the hands expecting the feet to act like hands and vice versa, the hands and feet should celebrate each other; for each is called to do what the other cannot.

How Do We Fix It?

   

               The answer is both easy and difficult: Stop expecting everyone else to serve Jesus the same way you do. This answer is easy because it is simple. It is difficult because it’s hard to judge others fairly when they don’t act the way we do. We take pride in our ministries, and so we assume that those ministries are the only ones that need volunteers. We take pride in our style of serving, and we use that as our standard by which to judge others’ styles of serving. Sometimes, we allow our jealousy to cloud our judgment, so we tell others to stop doing something we wish we could do ourselves. Other times, we aren’t jealous at all; we’re just a bit nearsighted.

                  We need to start leaving the judgment to God. That doesn’t mean we should stop confronting sin—that would be akin to the white blood cells in a body refusing to fight disease—but when a brother or sister in Christ is fulfilling his or her calling, we should celebrate the work they are doing, as well as the unique stamp they place on their ministry. Does this mean that we should act purposely bizarre to add “uniqueness” to the Church? No. Anything that takes the focus off God and places it on us should be avoided, but neither should we seek to snuff uniqueness out for fear that its mere existence will detract from the gospel.

Choosing Complexity

                  As believers, we have a choice. We can choose to embrace the complexity God has created in the Church, or we can turn our backs on that complexity. The latter would be a terrible mistake.

                  Think back on the human body. God could have kept it simple. He could have made the entire body a foot, or a hand, or a pair of lips; but he chose to make the human body all three and so much more.

                  It is the same way with the Church. God could have designed everyone in the Church to serve the homeless. He could have called everyone to be a missionary to India. He could have told every member of the Church to become a pastor, but he didn’t. He designed people to be different, and he called those different people to fulfill specific functions in his Church, in order that all people might hear the gospel. It is a beautiful and complex system, made even more beautiful when we embrace that complexity and work together in harmony.

                  If you’re still not convinced, imagine what might happen if your fingers decided they weren’t part of your body anymore. I rest my case.

“But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” –1 Corinthians 12:24-26

Four Myths That Wreck Marriages

 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate~ Mark 10:7-10

Over the last few months I have received the sad news that several close friends are divorcing. The length of time each of these couples were married varies, as do the circumstances of the separations, but the one thing all of these couples had in common was the fact that they were all Bible-believing Christians.

The news was shocking because not only were all the people involved believers, but they were all leaders in one-way or another in their respective churches. Two of the three men had served as either deacons or elders and all three women have taught Sunday school or led Bible studies at some point in recent years.

I have to confess that I went through something close to a grieving process with each revelation. No matter the details, it’s all rather depressing. One couple has very young children, another had been married long enough to have grandchildren and sadly another couple had only been married eighteen months before they decided to call it quits.

Christians of all denominations hold a high view of marriage: most Christians marry, among those who are not married almost all wish they were and the vast majority of books written on the subject of marriage are written by Christian authors. I don’t know a single believer who thinks that divorce is a good thing and yet the divorce rate among Christians is alarmingly high.

After much thought on the subject I have come to the conclusion that the problem is not with our view of divorce. For the most part we all agree that divorce is bad. Our problem is with how we view marriage. I have concluded that many Christians have bought into some dangerous myths regarding marriage.

It is not my wish to heap guilt on the divorced. If you are a Christian and divorced you have probably had more than enough of that; I have no desire to add to the pile. I do want to attempt to save some relationships by sharing four of the most common myths that Christians believe about marriage:

Myth #1

There is one “right” way to do marriage~

I know it’s borderline blasphemy to say this in some circles, but my husband and I are not big fans of most marriage conferences. We don’t have a problem with all marriage conferences—just the ones that offer one-size-fits-all solutions. At this type of event the speaker begins by informing the audience that there is a “detailed biblical blueprint for marriage” and if followed your relationship is “guaranteed to be harmonious and successful.” While it’s true that the Bible contains clear instruction on the subject of marriage, including mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21) selfless love (Ephesians 5:25) respect (Ephesians 5:33, 1^st Peter 3:7) and an understanding of roles and responsibilities (1st Corinthians 7:2-5, Colossians 3). The how of working out that instruction is nearly non-existent: The Bible is vague because it’s up to us to figure out what respect and love looks like within the confines of our own relationship.

When someone presents a “detailed blueprint” for marriage, the blueprint tends to ignore the reality that every couple is different, all marriages are unique and the needs of individuals are constantly changing. These teachers tend to believe that there is a God-ordained “normal” in marriage and if you don’t fit squarely into that definition, there is something wrong with your relationship. Some can actually breed discontent by suggesting that your spouse is not living up to biblical expectations.  I once went to a marriage conference content with my husband, but left convinced he wasn’t cutting it as a spiritual leader because although he prayed with the kids every night and discussed spiritual truth with them on regular basis I was the one who gave them the bulk of their spiritual training. After a period of angst I realized that what we were doing was working: the kids were learning and they respected my husband so there was no reason to mess with our method. There is more than one right way to do the details of marriage as long as the relationship itself is undergirded by mutual respect, love, kindness, forgiveness, and concern for the well being of your spouse.

Myth #2

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me~

Words can hurt and if you hurt someone often enough with words any positive feelings that person has for you will die. Simply stated, telling your wife that she is a fat pig or calling your husband a stupid moron is the fastest way to destroy the trust and affection in your marriage. The best advice my husband and I ever got on marriage was to speak kindly to each other using the same level of respect and politeness we would give our closest friends. Speaking nicely does not mean that you ignore big issues or never disagree; it just means that you say what you have to say without being rude or attacking the personhood of your spouse.

Myth #3  

Love means never having to change~

Those of us who have grown up in the self-esteem culture have been taught since infancy that we are all unique, perfect little snowflakes designed by God to bless the universe. Self-examination is not a big part of the self-esteem movement so when someone comes along who does not affirm our “uniqueness” as perfection our first instinct is to cut them out of our lives or at the very least ignore their negativity. The Bible teaches that truth sets us free (John 8:32); and marriage is designed by God to teach us truth about ourselves.  It’s essential that we face the fact that none of us are perfect and we all need some tweaking from time to time. One piece of loving another person is demonstrating a willingness to change the things that are creating conflict in the relationship. That said, it’s not our place to change our spouses. It’s our task to look at ourselves honestly and make changes accordingly. If both parties are doing this on a regular basis conflict will be minimal and you will both be better, more pleasant people.  

Myth #4

The key to success is finding the right one~

This myth is the stuff of fairy tales and is at the root of every other lie we believe about marriage. This myth implies that there is only one person who is suited to you and finding that person is the key to a blissful union; hard work, personal responsibility and commitment to growth are not a big part of the “right one” mythology. Some spiritualize this myth by telling themselves that if they aren’t happy “they didn’t find the one God had for them”. Anyone who is happily married will tell you that having a successful marriage is more about being the right person than finding the right person. Successful marriages happen because two people are willing to work through conflict, serve one another, find common ground, and meet each other’s needs. Compatibility is important and should not be overlooked when making a choice for a mate, but it is possible to find a person with whom you have perfect compatibility and still destroy the connection with pettiness, cruelty, selfishness and disrespect.

 I believe we are at a cultural crossroads. According to the Pew Research Center, four in ten Americans now believe that the institution of marriage is obsolete. The answer to this problem is not to scream and yell about the relevancy of marriage. The answer is to show the world by our actions that with the help of God marriages can be joyful, satisfying, mutually beneficial and last a lifetime. We can do this by unlearning lies we have bought into and then modeling, mentoring and teaching the next generation the truth that marriage matters.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long~ Psalm 25:5

Lessons I Learned From the Local Wildlife

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus~ Philippians 3:14

Ironically, my favorite thing about Arizona is also one of the weirdest things about the area. It’s the wildlife. The wildlife is close (alarmingly so, at times), plentiful and the variety of creatures is amazing and diverse. Since my arrival, I have seen coyotes, weird toads that sound like sheep when they croak, birds of all types, bobcats, gila monsters, javelinas, desert tortoises, rattlesnakes, lizards, bugs of every variety, pack rats and rabbits.

Many of the animals here are seemingly oblivious to humans and will come into fairly close contact with people; coyotes and javelinas roam through the neighborhood in packs. Lizards are everywhere and when it’s hot snakes will take residence in the swimming pool and on your front porch.  A few animals come into our yard often enough that I have gotten to know their personalities and quirks. There is a lizard that lives in our pomegranate tree that watches me swim in the mornings, a mockingbird that will come right up to the window and yell at us while we eat breakfast and a pack of javelinas that have taken to eating any flowers I plant in the front yard.

By far my favorite critter is a scrawny little rabbit that I have named Foxface (Hunger Games fans will get it). The first time I saw this little guy was last summer right after we moved into the house. He came into our backyard early in the morning searching for food and shelter. The poor little guy looked hot, hungry and hassled, but thankful to be out of the desert.

He has since become a regular visitor. He exhibits a healthy fear of humans but has found something that will entice him to come near the house: grass. We don’t have a lot of it, but the little that we do have he loves.  Evidently, green grass is the luxury food of choice for desert bunnies. He is so determined to nibble our lawn that he will come into the yard when I am outside and has even allowed me photograph him while he eats his breakfast. It’s obvious that he’s terrified but he persists because he knows what he wants.

Foxface is a textbook picture of resolve and tenacity; he displays a dogged determination to get what he wants. He’s willing to overcome very real dangers, what must be nearly overwhelming fear and his own natural instincts to get the thing he’s after.

After observing Foxface for a number of months I have concluded that my little bunny friend goes after my lawn the way we should all go after our spiritual growth. In Philippians 3:10-14 the Apostle Paul shares his own determination to pursue growth and relationship with Christ.

 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus~

Last weekend, as I was watching Foxface gobble up my lawn and marveling at his perseverance I was reminded of a conversation I had with a Christian friend years ago. He said that perseverance is the surest sign of salvation that there is. He was getting at the idea that making a commitment is easy, but it’s the follow-through that counts. If there is no follow-through then the reality of our commitment is questionable. Perseverance means making the same declaration Paul did and then going after it with all we’ve got. We pursue growth and knowledge of Christ by…

Setting aside the things that hinder us~ Hebrews 12:1

 This might sound strange, but when I watch that crazy rabbit snack on my grass I am overcome with awe at his courage. Every instinct he has tells him to stay away but he powers through his fear to get at his prize. We all have hindrances that stand in the way of the prize of spiritual growth: worldly passions, friends or family members who actively or passively discourage our progress, wrong thinking, bad habits, and the residue of childhood trauma all conspire to hold us back from becoming the people Christ has called us to be. Sometimes it’s fear that holds us back; we can’t imagine what life would look like without our pet sin to give us comfort in times of stress. The answer is to live life courageously and intentionally, continually letting go of unhealthy or sinful attitudes and behaviors and replacing them with healthy ones. It is vitally important that we surround ourselves with people who support and encourage our growth, and that we put boundaries around people who do not.

Treating Christianity as a contest to be won~ 1^st Corinthians 9:24-27

Modern Christians tend to view Christianity as a user-friendly self-help program with Jesus as the ultimate life coach.  Embracing this approach to the Christian life creates an atmosphere of weak-willed, country club Christianity that makes discipleship optional and weakens our resolve to persevere through the tough stuff. The Apostle Paul saw the Christian life as a battle to be fought and contest to be won. I think we would all do well to adopt the same mindset. Contests and battles are won by paying careful attention to the rules, training our minds and bodies to be obedient, and going after the prize with single-minded devotion.

Setting Goals for growth~ 2^nd Corinthians 5:9-10

Goal setting is not something that we normally associate with our Christian walk. Most of us tend to assume that if we read our Bibles and attend Church on a regular basis we will turn into better people; sadly this is not necessarily true. Bible reading and church attendance are good things but they are pretty squishy as far as goals go. Strong goals are specific, achievable and constantly evolving. Strong spiritual goals deal with real behavior like anger, gossip, and lust, as well as real solutions like learning to deal with not only our urges but also the thoughts and feelings that lie behind those urges. Setting goals for spiritual growth is not about simply gritting our teeth and changing outward behavior. We have to get at the core of what caused the problem in the first place; we do that through a process that begins with being real with God and ourselves about our sin and ends with an unshakeable promise to change our behavior.

~

It’s easy to lose sight of why Christian growth is important; once we know our eternal state is secure we can easily fall into the trap of using our faith as nothing more than a ‘get out of hell free card’. The tragedy of this reality is that we end up cheating the world and ourselves when we get too lazy, busy, or distracted to pursue Christ in our day-to day-lives.

 Pursuit of Christ transforms us into kinder, gentler, wiser and even smarter versions of ourselves. When we choose not to grow we shortchange ourselves by not being equipped for the challenges of today or the reality of eternity with a holy God.  We cheat the world because they miss out on that better version of ourselves and may be turned off to Christ due to our willful neglect of spiritual progress.

Spiritual growth doesn’t just happen. It’s a choice, one that requires resolve, tenacity and devotion to the cause. The advantage of making that decision is that once we make it we don’t do it alone. We are blessed and empowered by God every step of the way.

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced~ 1^st Chronicles 16:11-12