Five Habits that will Wreck Your Marriage

 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ~ Ephesians 5:21

I have observed that there are many diverse issues on which good people disagree, sometimes vehemently.

There’s the whole chocolate vs. vanilla debate and the age-old argument over cats vs. dogs. And just the other day I overheard a rather feisty discussion regarding the merits of deep dish vs. thin crust pizza.

Marriage is another subject over which good people disagree. For a happy few marriage is the pinnacle of bliss. Advocates of marriage argue passionately that marriage is such a splendid state that everyone should be happily married. Their feelings on the subject can be summed up with the following quote:

“A happy marriage is a long conversation, which always seems too short.”- Andre Maurois

Throughout Western society the majority holds a much less positive outlook on marriage. For many, wedlock is viewed as a state of misery to be avoided at all costs. It’s depressingly easy to find quotes that reflect the commonly held belief that marriage is a bad deal:  

“Call no man unhappy until he is married.” – Socrates

“If marriage isn’t a prison, why do they call it wedlock?” – Unknown

Both views of marriage are flawed, because both views assume that marriage is something that it is not. Marriage is not an institution, a place or an entity. Marriage is a contract—a legal, moral and spiritual contract—and every contract eventually becomes a situation involving people.

The pleasantness or unpleasantness of any situation involving people depends entirely on the attitude and behavior of the people in it. Edwin Louis Cole recognized this truth and penned this quote:

“Marriage may be the closest thing to Heaven or Hell any of us will know on this earth.”

Mr. Cole understood that we all build our own little version of heaven or hell with the choices we make in our relationships. If you want a marriage that looks and feels more like heaven than hell there are five missteps you should avoid like an infectious disease:   

Dodging conflict-Ephesians 4:26

Communication really is the key to making marriage work. Some couples find that communication increases conflict before it solves it. So they stop communicating. Declining to deal with issues that make you uncomfortable or stir up conflict does not make them go away. Denial simply drives problems underground, causing them to fester and grow. Dodging conflict by declining to communicate will eventually put an insurmountable amount of emotional distance between spouses. The trick to resolving conflict is to attack the problem—not the other person—and to keep talking until the issue is resolved.

Unfettered Criticism-1^st Thessalonians 5:11

 There is nothing less loving or more toxic to a relationship than constant criticism. There are times when issues need to be addressed. It’s okay to tell the truth in a loving way. It’s not okay to attack the character of the other person, name call or use your spouse as a verbal punching bag.  

Putting sex on the back burner-1^st Corinthians 7:3-5

God designed sex for more than just baby making and as a guilty pleasure for single sinners. Sex helps married people stay emotionally connected. I am shocked at the number of Christian couples who have sex once or twice a month and then wonder why they struggle with communication and intimacy. If you aren’t having sex regularly, figure out why and change things. “It” will do wonders for your relationship.

Duplicity- John 8:32

Dishonesty comes in many forms, some subtle, others less so. There’s out-and out-dishonesty, half-truths, cheating, omitting specifics, hiding details, misrepresenting situations and embellishing. It’s all deadly to a marriage. Make a practice of being honest with your spouse about how you spend money, your habits, and whom you spend time with. It will save your marriage. 

Refusing to forgive-

One in truth life you can always count on is that people do stupid stuff. Marriage does not change that fact. At some point your spouse will hurt your feelings, forget to do something they promised to do, say something dumb, overlook an important date, offend your parents or fail to understand a critical need you have. The good news is they probably won’t do those things on purpose. If couples do not make a daily habit of forgiving offenses, the hurt piles up. Hurt slowly morphs into anger and if something isn’t done to change the course, society will have one more gloomy divorce statistic to contend with.  

The marriage covenant is one aspect of God’s plan that enables us to grow beyond our original programing and become better people. In order for marriage to work as God intended, we must cooperate with God by being honest and willing to give when we feel like taking, encourage and exhort rather than criticize, and forgive as we’ve been forgiven.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit~ 2^nd Corinthians 3:18