Book Review: How to Love Your Crazy Family

You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence~ Acts 2:28

According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary a family is defined as…

 A group of people who are related to each other

Nice try, Merriam-Webster, but your definition utterly fails to capture the beautiful and occasionally chaotic nuances of family.

Family is where we learn to navigate the complexities of life and relationships; it’s the place we learn to give and receive love. Family is where our most fundamental beliefs and values are formed and where much of our future purpose is determined. Whatever we learn about God from our families will either be the bridge to a healthy future relationship with God or an obstacle we must overcome to have a meaningful connection with Him. 

 Family is our first community and, as in every community, there are joys and frustrations. There is joy because family is where we know and are known. Within marriage and family there is the potential to be loved and understood on a level that is impossible in any other setting.

 Any scenario with so much potential for intimacy is bound to have its share of irritations and frustrations. It is within the boundaries of marriage and family that our flaws are exposed and our rough edges (hopefully) smoothed away. This process of growth inevitably creates opportunities for tension to develop.

I recently read a book that beautifully captures the joy as well as the challenges of family life: How to Love Your Crazy Family: 52 Quick Reads for No Ordinary Days by Angela Howard. The book is a delightful and easy read that takes an honest and refreshing look at nearly every aspect of marriage and parenting.

The first half of the book is dedicated to parenting. Angela shares authentically and sometimes hysterically about her own experiences as a Mother of two. Angela deals with issues every Mom can relate to. She writes insightfully on the difficulty of letting go as kids approach the teenage years and comically portrays the ongoing battle most of us mothers have with perfectionism. She strikes an excellent balance between the need to improve our parenting skills and accepting the reality that no earthly parent is going to get it right all the time.

The second half of the book is dedicated to the subject of marriage and was my favorite part of the book. I thoroughly enjoyed Angela’s honest approach to some of the challenges she has faced in her own marriage, including the ins and outs of two imperfect people creating a life together and her husband’s diagnosis with bipolar disorder.

Healthy families are the cornerstone of a healthy society and a thriving church community. An endeavor as worthwhile as family is worth whatever effort it takes to get it right. I highly recommend Loving Your Crazy Family as a great read that will empower and encourage you to be the best parent and spouse you can be.

According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it. Let each one take care how he builds upon it~1^st Corinthians 3:10 ESV

Angela's book is available for $4.99 from the Amazon Kindle store. 

The Worst Thing

 So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image~ 2^nd Corinthians 3:18

On Tuesday afternoon, while Chandler, the seven-year-old boy I tutor, quietly finished a project, my daughter Abigail and I had a brief discussion regarding this week’s blog topic. I threw out a couple of possibilities for subjects and she responded to all my ideas with….well, let’s just call it tepid enthusiasm.  I finally suggested writing about “the worst thing you can do.” Chandler’s eyes got wide, his head shot up, and we had the following exchange…

Chandler (excitedly): I know what is the worst thing you can do.

Me: Oh, really, what is that?

Chandler: Ignore your teacher when he talks.

Me: Why is that the worst thing, Chandler?

Chandler: Because when you ignore your teacher you will have no idea what’s going on. Then you might accidently do the wrong thing and get a time out for not listening. And then you might yell at the teacher because it’s not fair and get sent to the office.

Me: All that happens just because you ignore your teacher?

Chandler: Yes.

Me: Has that ever happened to you Chandler?

Chandler: I don’t really want to talk about it…

Abigail: I think you have a blog topic, Mom.

 Chandler’s take on the “worst thing” is both precious and amusing. I truly treasure the chance to get a peak into his view of the world, but his conclusion is a bit naïve. Ignoring a teacher is without question a foolish thing that has the potential for many unpleasant consequences, but there are lots of “worse things.”

There are the really nasty worse things. The offenses that all decent people everywhere agree are wrong: the big sins of murder, theft and adultery. Then there are the lower-level worse things that all of us are guilty of from time to time but nobody likes to be a victim of. This list would include every behavior and attitude found in the Apostle Paul’s description of the kind of conduct we should expect as we approach the last days…

People will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God~ 2^nd Timothy 3:2-4 NASB

Self-centeredness, greed, lack of gratitude, adultery, arrogance, murder, gossip, brutality, immaturity, irascibility, and lack of concern for others are vastly different worse things with vastly different consequences, but they are all fruit from the same foul tree (sin). At the root of all of these actions is the very worst thing...

Unwillingness to self-examine and make changes

No normal person relishes self-examination because it inevitably leads to the exposure of attitudes and behaviors that are unpleasant to acknowledge. As uncomfortable as self-examination can be, it is essential because it is how we begin to see ourselves as we really are. Seeing ourselves clearly is the first step toward spiritual growth and the pursuit of holiness. Christian growth and the pursuit of holiness is not about perfect church attendance, giving gobs of money to worthy causes, how we look, or even about helping poor people.

Those are all good things, but they are not the goal. The aim of Christian growth and the pursuit of holiness is inward transformation. Inward transformation requires a willingness to look at the ugly parts of ourselves honestly before a wrong attitude hardens into a wrong action.  

The Bible is clear on the need for routine bouts of self-analysis. 2^nd Corinthians 13:5 says…

 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?

 Eugene Peterson paraphrases this verse eloquently in The Message….

 Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don’t drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need firsthand evidence, not mere hearsay that Jesus Christ is in you. Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it.

The hazard of self-examination is that we get stuck there, turning healthy self-examination into unhealthy naval gazing. Navel gazing can easily morph into a pity party where we regularly wallow in our imperfections and inadequacies rather than move forward. Self-examination becomes a powerful tool that God uses to form us into His image when we take the information we discover and parlay that self-discovery into transformation.

I am confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus ~Philippians 1:6

Motherhood and Beyond...

Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands~ Psalm 112:1

Last Saturday, after a long day of preparing for a house full of company, my husband and I loaded the kids up in the car and took them to dinner at a buffet. After a bit of a wait we were seated next to a family with three children who all appeared to be under four years of age. I hate to admit this, but I was far less than thrilled to be seated next a family with little kids. After a long and stressful day I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet.

 I needn’t have worried. The kids were sweet, super cute, and very well behaved. But it was the Mother who captured my attention. She was absolutely amazing with her kids. She was cheerful and calm as she held the two-year-old on her lap, talking to him quietly about table manners and trying new foods while still managing to keep an eye on the baby and calmly direct the older boy. 

Watching that amazing young woman for an hour reminded me that Mothers are really the unsung heroes of human history. If it were not for the sacrificial contributions of women throughout history, no great civilizations would have been be constructed, no books would have been written, no masterpieces crafted and no righteous causes fought for because no people would be around to do any of those things.

A good Mother appears to be nearly superhuman. She requires practically no sleep to survive. Her hearing is so fine-tuned that she can identify the subtle sound of a two-year-old sneaking into a bathroom cupboard at the other end of the house with the TV on.

Her powers of perception are so highly refined that she can accurately sense when a child has had a bad day and needs to talk or when a teenager is plotting something shady. A mother’s ingenuity knows no bounds; she can produce a tasty feast from the weird stuff in the back of the pantry and create an award winning science project out of an empty soda bottle and an old poster board.

 A mother’s influence is perhaps the most powerful force on earth. Every person on earth has been shaped in a significant way by the impact of his or her Mother. Perhaps the most striking proof of a Mother’s importance is how drastically we feel the loss at a Mother’s absence.  For those of us who are lucky enough to be mothers, we too have been shaped by the experience. Mothering is a powerful act that effectively changes the destinies of all involved.

Nurturing children is a mission that all Christians agree is crucial. In recent years churches and Pastors have gone to great lengths to underscore and celebrate the importance of Motherhood. This is a very good thing. In a society that has devalued the art of mothering it is vitally important that Christian leaders encourage women as they nurture and train up the next generation.

For women without children Mother’s Day can be tough. In our eagerness to promote the importance of parenting, we subtly send the message that Mothering is the only really important thing that women can do. This message is a dangerous one that hurts all women, especially those without kids and those older women who may feel that their value has been diminished once their children are grown and gone.

 As valuable as motherhood is, it is essential for all of us to remember that there is more to who we are as women than whom we parent.  On this day that we rightfully set aside to celebrate the countless contributions Mothers make in this world, I want to remind women that motherhood is not the end of our journey towards biblical womanhood. It is simply a step that many of us take in the journey.

God has called Christian women to be…

In a constant pursuit of wisdom and knowledge~ Proverbs 4:7, Proverbs 2:6

Courageous~ 1^st Chronicles 28:20

Able to teach and pass on wisdom~ Proverbs 31:26, Titus 2:3-5

Loving and respectful towards our husbands~ 1^st Peter 3:1-8

Building up the Body of Christ~ Ephesians 4:11-13

Using our unique gifts for the betterment of others~ Proverbs 31: 8-9, Proverbs 31:20

A woman’s greatest power is found in her ability to influence other people. The quality of influence a woman has will largely depend on the quality of her relationship with God. A women who is seeking to be and do all that she has been called to be and do, regardless of the stage of life she finds herself, will become a powerful force for good in this world and a blessing to those whose life she touches.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised~ Proverbs 31:30

The Truth Concerning Generational Curses

 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life~ Deuteronomy 30:19-20a

The subject of generational blessings and curses has fascinated me for years, mostly because you could argue that my family has a long and ugly history of bad choices and generational curses.

 According to our unofficial family historian there has been a long and sordid history of, among other less showy sins, anger, alcohol abuse and foolishness in our ancestry and yes, I believe that folly is a curse (more on that later).  According to my Aunt (the historian) the exploits and alcohol-induced antics of my great-Grandfather were well known to the point of being legendary, not in a good way. I have never met my great-grandfather but if the conduct of his progenies is any indicator I can assume that the stories are all true.

Many people find the concept of generational curses disturbing, because they misunderstand the concept. They erroneously believe that a generational curse takes root in a family because God looks down from heaven and randomly chooses to curse a family line with a specific form of depravity. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Deuteronomy 30:11-20 the concept of curses is presented as choices. The choices we make determine whether or not we, as well as our descendants live in blessings or curses.

   

God does not “curse” us; we curse ourselves with every act of rebellion against God. We then pass on those curses to future generations in the form of sinful habits and patterns that are so much a part of our family line that at times we fail to recognize them as sin. Every generational curse begins with a series of choices made by an individual. 

The choice to habitually lie will likely yield a line of liars. The social sciences have proven that abusive Fathers tend to produce abusive sons. Adulterous parents more often than not have adult children who struggle with infidelity. Having an alcoholic parent increases the probability you will be drawn to alcohol or drugs.  Thieves produce thieves, and foolish parents usually pass on their proclivity toward stupid choices to future generations.

It’s not just the “big stuff” like alcoholism and abuse that gets passed on to future generations. Wrong attitudes and sinful perspectives like rage, jealousy, rebellion, persistent negativity, greed, arrogance, racism, pride, elitism, and laziness are mindsets that come from the heart and are every bit as destructive and dangerous as adultery or substance use.

The eighteenth chapter of Ezekiel makes it clear that God does not hold us accountable for sins that we did not commit. But generational sin is such that we will consciously or unconsciously continue to walk in the sins of our forefathers and mothers unless we take deliberate steps to break free of their choices. Simply becoming a Christian does not automatically free of us of the proclivity towards certain sins. I have been a believer for twenty-five years and I have recently become aware of a deeply ingrained attitude that was passed down from my Father that is affecting me today. The sin is manifesting itself differently in my life than it has in my Dad’s life but it’s the exact same sin.

 You don’t have to do a lengthy ancestral search in order to spot generational sin. Just take a look at your generation and the generation of your parents and you will likely see the junk your family has struggled with for centuries.

Being a Christian does not instantly free us from generational junk but it does give us the tools we need to change. We have to be willing to use the tools available to us and do the hard work needed to make change happen.   Breaking free of generational sin involves making a series of choices that include the choices to…

  Follow God wholeheartedly~ Hebrews 10:22-23, Jeremiah 29:13

Many make commitments to Christ and find that it makes little difference in their day-to-day experience. They struggle with the same junk after becoming Christians as they did before becoming Christians. They determine that Christianity doesn’t “work” and go right back to whatever life they lived before. I have counseled many such people and generally I have found that their “commitment” to Christ and the Christian lifestyle was really just a short-term, half-hearted trial period. They wanted God to change their lives without giving up sinful habits and behaviors. If you want God to work in your life you have to give Him all of you, all the time, forever. God is God and He knows when we are serious and He knows when we are playing with Him (see Galatians 6:6-8). He empowers us when we are serious.

Acknowledge the sins of the past and take steps to avoid becoming entangled in them~ Jeremiah 14:20, Psalm 32:5, Hebrews 12:1

Some people call this “renouncing generational sin,” but it doesn’t really matter what you call it as long as you do it. Renouncing generational sin does not require making a big public event of your commitment. A simple heart felt pledge to God is enough. Generational change is extremely difficult and it will not come about without a deep commitment to change. Commitment is the starting place but action is required if you want real transformation. Make a plan, stick to it, ask God for wisdom, warn your children as often as necessary about the dangers of entangling themselves in particular behaviors, and be very intentional in the way you live.

Forgive your parents for their failings~ Colossians 3:13

I am aware that I could be stepping onto an emotional landmine here; there are some parents who have done some pretty horrendous things and I KNOW that forgiveness is difficult and even painful. That said, I have observed that the people who have successfully freed themselves from generational sin are the ones who have forgiven their families. There is something about harboring a grudge that almost ensures we will repeat the mistakes of the person we stay angry with (or make worse ones). Forgiveness frees us up to live the lives God intended us to live. If you need help with this I suggest you talk to a trusted friend, Pastor, or Christian counselor sooner rather than later. It’s that important. 

Be aware of your weaknesses ~ Lamentations 3:40, 2^nd Corinthians 13:5

Self-knowledge is the most important weapon we have in our war against sin in general, and generational sin in particular. Because we are at our core a fallen people it is essential that we examine our behaviors and motives on a regular basis looking for inconsistencies and patterns that could lead us back to the sins that feel familiar to us. Often, we fool ourselves into believing that we are doing things differently than our parents when all we’ve really done is put a new spin on the sins of our parents and named it change. For example: if you had a parent who was extremely passive (as I did) you may find that you use anger to cover up your lack of action i.e. you yell at people instead of taking active steps to change situations you don’t like. Yelling looks and feels like action but its really just more sin. If your parents had a substance abuse problem you will most likely be tempted to find an “escape” to stress instead of actually dealing with the stuff that stresses you out. Many adult children will shun their parents’ mode of escape and create a new one that is equally bad; e.g. you escape reality using video games, porn, TV, food, or the Internet instead of alcohol, marijuana or other drugs.

 Our culture has propagated a wicked lie, and many within the Church have bought into it as well. It’s the belief that we can do what we want, say what we want, and live any way we choose and no one will be affected by our choices but us. That lie is destroying our culture, our churches and our families. The Bible teaches that people are interconnected and that the choices we make and the behaviors we embrace have a ripple effect on those around us and those who will come after us.

Recently I was asked if I believed in the concept of generational curses, I do, I also believe in the concept of generational blessing. I also believe with all of my heart that God gives Christians the freedom to choose which they will walk in. 

With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him~ Ephesians 4:17-18 NLT