Four Parenting Mindsets that will Ruin Your Kids

There are few subjects in life where we are likely to get a consensus from a group of individuals. Folks will argue and debate about anything and everything. The issues otherwise rational adults will argue about swing from the significant to the silly.  Art, politics, the best burger and pizza places in any given city, the correct way to hang a roll of toilet paper, religion—if it’s a subject we talk about, then it’s undoubtedly a subject we argue about.  

The one exception to this rule seems to be the topic of mindset or attitude. Everyone seems to agree that mindset can make or break a person. What one believes or thinks about any given subject affects how they behave concerning that subject. Some of my favorite quotes illustrate this truth:

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit 


Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious. ~Bill Meyerange


Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. ~Katherine Mansfield

There is no subject where mindset matters more than parenting. There are mindsets or attitudes that we adopt, sometimes unknowingly, which can seriously affect our ability to parent well. Most of these mindsets are actually lies that we’ve bought into, and if we allow these mindsets to continue unchallenged, they can eventually ruin our kids. Today I will share four of the most dangerous mindsets parents can fall into.

Good parents do everything for their kids

There are a many well meaning Moms and Dads who are knocking themselves out to do everything but breathe for their kids. They do their dishes, pick up their stuff, pack their lunches, clean their rooms, pay for luxuries long after kids should have jobs of their own and sometimes even do their kid’s homework for them. This is dangerous because it teaches nothing, produces laziness, and encourages a welfare mentality. Parents should teach kids how to do things for themselves and hold them accountable for a job well done.

Misplaced anxiety

The 24-hour news cycle has produced a generation of adults who have weird priorities when it comes to anxiety. Parents worry themselves sick about protecting kids from things that will likely never happen, or that don’t really matter. They freak out over school shootings, Ebola, random kidnappings and what will happen if their kids don’t learn to play an instrument or get into the “right” school. Some of these same parents will allow their kids to be exposed to dangerous ideas and corrupting influences through television, peers and the Internet. Bad things happen, but kids are much more likely to be harmed by the influence of a friend than to become a victim of a school shooting. We should worry about the things we can control and trust God to protect our kids from random acts of evil or disease.  

Guilt

Parenting and guilt go hand in hand. Parental guilt begins in pregnancy, gathers momentum throughout early childhood, reaches a peak in the teen years and continues…well, until you die. Guilt is not automatically a bad thing. If handled wisely, guilt can be a powerful motivator towards change and better parenting. Guilt becomes a bad thing when parents are driven to do things, buy things or indulge their children’s whims out of guilt. Next time you feel guilty about a parenting issue, stop and analyze the feeling. If you can change something, (like yelling or not spending enough time with your kid) change it. If the guilt is coming out of something you can’t change, don’t try and compensate for it with stuff.

Blaming outside influences   

Even the best kids have areas that need work. Kids will lie, mistreat other kids, shirk responsibility, and disrespect adults. Their flaws are a result of their human nature. These flaws need to be dealt with decisively. Not blamed on bad teachers, television, other children, gluten or video games. All of those things may contribute to a kid’s issues, but they are not the cause.

After twenty-five years of parenting I have learned that the time is short and we have to take advantage of the teachable moments. When we are deep in the trenches of diapers and temper-tantrums it’s hard to imagine that that our kids will ever grow up and make adult decisions and choices.  They do, and they do it very quickly.  Smart parents decide early on what kind of an adult they want produce. Then they are intentional about sowing those qualities into their children. Our attitude toward the process makes or breaks our ability to sow truth into our kids while we have them.

He remembers his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations~ 1^st Chronicles 16:15

The Hardest Question...

For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help~ Psalm 22:24

From time to time I get a message or phone call asking me to share my opinion about a particular issue. Because the issue in question is inevitably thorny, contentious, and well above my pay grade, I generally have mixed feelings about these requests. Such was the case this week.

A sweet, mature Christian friend who is deep into the grieving process asked me to consider sharing my views on one of the most controversial issues of our time.  She had some very well thought out, heart wrenching questions. The emotion behind them broke my heart. Following is a summary:

Why does God allow people to feel pain at death?

Why is it okay to blunt the pain of death with medication but not to use the same medication to hurry up the process of death?

If death is inevitable, why is it wrong to end life and reduce the length of time a person suffers?

Death and pain in childbirth are both a result of the Fall. Why is it okay to eliminate the pain of childbirth and not end a life that is destined to death a little early?

Death and suffering are deeply emotional issues. No decent human enjoys seeing another human suffer. Suffering becomes even more personal when the person suffering is someone we love. All of this is made thornier by the fact that most of us are isolated from the only two events in this life that are common to all people: birth and death. 

Few of us have witnessed a child being born. Fewer have seen a person die. Most of us obtain our “education” on these subjects from television programs. Anyone who has actually witnessed a birth or death knows that the TV version of these events bears little similarity to the real-life version. The deaths we see on TV are typically swift and painless; the person quietly draws their last breath, closes their eyes peacefully, and goes serenely into the great beyond. This is NOT how death happens. Death is normally a long, messy, painful process that is excruciating to witness. Our reflex is to shorten or avoid any process we are uncomfortable and unfamiliar with.  

End-of-life issues are further complicated by the gift of medical knowledge.  Our society has been blessed with medical expertise that makes it possible to save people from what would have been inevitable deaths just a few years ago. As wonderful as technology is, it creates some unintended consequences. Doctors possess the knowledge to prolong life but sometimes lack wisdom as to how and when that knowledge should be applied. Prolonging life often means prolonging and even intensifying suffering.   

 I am not stupid or arrogant enough to pretend I know everything there is to know about this issue. I do not. That said, one thing I do know for absolute certain is that it’s not wrong or sinful to use medication to ease the suffering of a dying person. Proverbs 31:6 is clear on the issue of pain relief at death.

 Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish!

The use of alcohol is a contentious issue amongst Christians but one fact is clear from this verse: a legitimate use of alcohol is for pain relief at the end of life. If it is acceptable to give alcohol to a dying person then I cannot see any reason why it would be wrong to use morphine for the same purpose. As for the whole childbirth issue, I honestly don’t know whether or not pain relief during childbirth is a sin.

I certainly hope not.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “assisted suicide is a sin.” However, most Christians believe that assisted suicide falls pretty neatly under the category of “Thou shalt not kill.” This particular commandment is an imperative statement clearly lacking the wiggle room needed to make a well-defined and compelling biblical argument for assisted suicide.

    

I had my first experience with death and suffering at nineteen when my beloved Grandmother died of lung cancer. I was not there when she died, but I did spend a lot of time with her in the weeks prior to her death. Those visits were some of the toughest things I have done. As an unsaved teenager, her suffering and the dignity she maintained as she suffered impacted me in ways that are difficult to express. Her death caused me to evaluate my own mortality in a way I had never considered before. It drove me to God.  

 Death sucks. There is nothing good or redeeming about it. Death is the most visible reminder of the Fall of mankind (Genesis 3).  It makes a sad sort of sense that the single greatest consequence of mankind’s sin and disobedience would be painful and would linger until the earth is fully liberated from the curse of sin (Revelation 21:4).  But God, in His infinite wisdom, sometimes brings good things out of death and the suffering of others, when we are willing to submit to the process.  

   

God Gets It

He does not forget the cry of the afflicted~ Psalm 9:12 NASB

A good-deed-gone-bad is my personal definition for any situation or scenario where a well-intentioned individual attempts, out of the goodness of their heart, to help or bless another individual. In the course of the good deed, the efforts of the person helping somehow get turned around and the person doing the blessing becomes the bad guy and the object of vicious gossip.

The act in question nearly always involves an extraordinary level of expense and/or personal sacrifice on the part of the person being helpful. Typically in these situations, the innocent victim is left feeling baffled by the gossip and by the speed at which the deed went bad. They are inevitably left spiritually shell-shocked, emotionally wounded and regretful that they bothered involving themselves in the situation at all.    

 I have had a long run of good deeds that have gone terribly bad over the last few years. I won’t waste your time and bore you with a bunch of depressing details. Suffice it to say that it’s all been the classic good-deed-gone-bad kind of stuff and it’s all ended in the classic good-deed-gone-bad manner.

A conversation the other day revealed yet another good-deed-gone-bad. This one came out of the blue and was so ridiculous and unanticipated it nearly knocked me over. I spent the better the part of the night stewing in self-blame.  I chastised myself for not having the foresight to see it coming or wisdom to head it off. By morning self-blame morphed into self-pity and blaming God. By mid-morning I was fuming about this particular incident as well as all the others just like it that have occurred in recent years.  

Eventually, my anger towards God mellowed into something more like a weepy rant. Following are a few of the highlights…

Seriously? Again?

I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do…

Why would you tell me to do something you KNEW would end badly?

I was really trying to do the right thing!

How come I’m ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS the bad guy?

I went out of my way to BLESS those STUPID PEOPLE! 

I wish you understood how hard this is….

Evidently at this point in the conversation God had heard enough. Some hard truths flooded into my mind and I was reminded of a few things. First of all, it occurred to me that if there is anyone anywhere who could possibly understand how I was feeling at that moment, it was God.

 God is pretty much the poster child for going out of His way to bless stupid people. Precious few humans even acknowledge His existence, and fewer bother to thank Him or praise for His efforts. Silly humans do senseless, reckless stuff all the time, refuse to own up to their actions; then they blame God for the outcome of their choices. He never fails to do the right thing and for the most part all he gets from an ungrateful human race is a bunch of grumbling. He’s omniscient so He knows exactly how things are going to turn out in the end. Yet, still He continues to bless the undeserving and ungrateful.   

As I considered all this, I recalled one of my favorite quotes:

When God wants something done, he has to find someone to do it. If he wants a child taught, a message brought, a sermon preached, a wanderer found, a sorrowing one comforted, a sick one healed, he has to find some instrument to do his work~ William Barkley

As I mulled this over I was hit by the cleverness of the enemy’s schemes. A good-deed-gone-bad works out to his benefit in many ways. These incidents inevitably plant seeds of hurt and anger in the hearts of those who are inclined to help others. If left unchecked, those seeds will mature into suspicion and bitterness. The person who was inspired to be a blessing is no longer inclined to bless.

 When that happens, everyone suffers because the message of God’s love and care for the human race is stopped in its tracks. The people He has chosen to deliver that message are too tired and too discouraged to continue doing what they have been called to do.

Have you been the victim of a-good-deed-gone-bad? Don’t give up and don’t despair.

 God gets it. He’s been there; He knows exactly how you feel. He loves your willingness to sacrifice on his behalf and He is blessed by your readiness to act as His instrument. He knows your deeds and He has blessings in store for those who refuse to give into circumstances.  

I know your deeds, and your love and faith and service and perseverance, and that your deeds of late are greater than at first~ Revelation 2:19