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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Discovering the Truth About Generational Curses


This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life~ Deuteronomy 30:19-20a

The subject of generational blessings and curses has fascinated me for years, mostly because you could argue that my family has a long and ugly history of bad choices and generational curses.

 According to our unofficial family historian there has been a long and sordid history of, among other less showy sins, anger, alcohol abuse and foolishness in our ancestry and yes, I believe that folly is a curse (more on that later).  According to my Aunt (the historian) the exploits and alcohol-induced antics of my great-Grandfather were well known to the point of being legendary, and not in a good way. I have never met my great-grandfather but if the conduct of his progenies is any indicator I can assume that the stories are all true.

Many people find the concept of generational curses disturbing, because they misunderstand the concept. They erroneously believe that a generational curse takes root in a family because God looks down from heaven and randomly chooses to curse a family line with a specific form of depravity. Nothing could be further from the truth. In Deuteronomy 30:11-20 the concept of curses is presented as choices. The choices we make determine whether or not we, as well as our descendants live in blessings or curses.
   
God does not “curse” us; we curse ourselves with every act of rebellion against God. We then pass on those curses to future generations in the form of sinful habits and patterns that are so much a part of our family line that at times we fail to recognize them as sin. Every generational curse begins with a series of choices made by an individual. 

The choice to habitually lie may yield a line of liars. The social sciences have proven that abusive Fathers tend to produce abusive sons. Adulterous parents more often than not have adult children who struggle with infidelity. Having an alcoholic parent increases the probability you will be drawn to alcohol or drugs.  Thieves generally beget thieves, and foolish parents usually pass on their proclivity toward stupid choices to future generations.

It’s not just the “big stuff” like alcoholism and abuse that gets passed on to future generations. Wrong attitudes and sinful perspectives like rage, jealousy, rebellion, persistent negativity, greed, arrogance, racism, pride, elitism, and laziness are mindsets that come from the heart and are every bit as destructive and dangerous as adultery or substance use.

The eighteenth chapter of Ezekiel makes it clear that God does not hold us accountable for sins that we did not commit. But generational sin is such that we will consciously or unconsciously continue to walk in the sins of our forefathers and mothers unless we take deliberate steps to break free of their choices. Simply becoming a Christian does not automatically free of us of the inclination towards certain sins. I have been a believer for twenty-five years and I have recently become aware of a deeply ingrained attitude that was passed down from my Father that is affecting me today. The sin is manifesting itself differently in my life than it has in my Dad’s but it’s the exact same sin.

 You don’t have to do a lengthy ancestral search in order to spot generational sin. Just take a look at your generation and the generation of your parents and you will likely see the junk your family has struggled with for centuries.

Being a Christian does not instantly free us from generational junk but it does give us the tools we need to change. We have to be willing to use the tools available to us and do the hard work needed to make change happen.   Breaking free of generational sin involves making a series of choices that include the choices to…

  Follow God wholeheartedly~ Hebrews 10:22-23, Jeremiah 29:13

Many make commitments to Christ and find that it makes little difference in their day-to-day experience. They struggle with the same junk after becoming Christians as they did before becoming Christians. They determine that Christianity doesn’t “work” and go right back to whatever life they lived before. I have counseled many such people and generally I have found that their “commitment” to Christ and the Christian lifestyle was really just a short-term, half-hearted trial period. They wanted God to change their lives without giving up sinful habits and behaviors. If you want God to work in your life you have to give Him all of you, all the time, forever. God is God and He knows when we are serious and He knows when we are playing with Him (see Galatians 6:6-8). He empowers us when we are serious.

Acknowledge the sins of the past and take steps to avoid becoming entangled in them~ Jeremiah 14:20, Psalm 32:5, Hebrews 12:1

Some people call this “renouncing generational sin,” but it doesn’t really matter what you call it as long as you do it. Renouncing generational sin does not require making a public event of your commitment. A simple heart felt pledge to God is enough. Generational change is extremely difficult and it will not come about without a deep commitment to change. Commitment is the starting place but action is required if you want real transformation. Make a plan, stick to it, ask God for wisdom, warn your children as often as necessary about the dangers of entangling themselves in particular behaviors, be intentional in the way you live.


Forgive your parents for their failings~ Colossians 3:13

I am aware that I could be stepping onto an emotional landmine here; there are some parents who have done some pretty horrendous things and I KNOW that forgiveness is difficult and even painful. That said, I have observed that the people who have successfully freed themselves from generational sin are the ones who have forgiven their families. There is something about harboring a grudge that almost ensures we will repeat the mistakes of the person we stay angry with (or make worse ones). Forgiveness frees us up to live the lives God intended us to live. If you need help with this I suggest you talk to a trusted friend, Pastor, or Christian counselor sooner rather than later. It’s that important. 


Be aware of your weaknesses ~ Lamentations 3:40, 2nd Corinthians 13:5

Self-knowledge is the most important weapon we have in our war against sin in general, and generational sin in particular. Because we are at our core a fallen people it is essential that we examine our behaviors and motives on a regular basis looking for inconsistencies and patterns that could lead us back to the sins that feel familiar to us. Often, we fool ourselves into believing that we are doing things differently when all we’ve really done is put a new spin on the sins of our parents and named it change. For example: if you had a parent who was extremely passive (as I did) you may find that you use anger to cover up your lack of action i.e. you yell at people instead of taking active steps to change situations you don’t like. Yelling looks and feels like action but its really just more sin. If your parents had a substance abuse problem you will most likely be tempted to find an “escape” to stress instead of actually dealing with the stuff that stresses you out. Many adult children will shun their parents’ mode of escape and create a new one that is equally bad; e.g. you escape reality using video games, porn, TV, food, or the Internet instead of alcohol, marijuana or other drugs.

 Our culture has propagated a lie, and many within the Church have bought into it as well. It’s the narrative that we can do what we want, say what we want, and live any way we want and no one will be affected by our choices but us. That lie is destroying our culture, our churches and our families. The Bible teaches that people are interconnected and that the choices we make and the behaviors we embrace have a ripple effect on those around us and those who will come after us.

Recently I was asked if I believed in the concept of generational curses, I do, I also believe in the concept of generational blessing. I also believe with all of my heart that God gives Christians the freedom to choose which they will walk in. 

With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him~ Ephesians 4:17-18 NLT

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Five Secrets to Raising Healthy Caring Kids


For by the grace given to me I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him~ Romans 12:3 Amplified Version

The American Freshman survey is an annual study of incoming college freshmen; the survey covers attitudes and perceptions of college students. Over the last 47 years approximately 9 million students have participated in the survey. The findings of the most recent survey were, well…um… interesting.

The survey found that while the measurable skill level of students has decreased dramatically in recent years, students’ feelings about their skill levels (in writing, social ability, leadership ability and intellectual aptitude) have risen exponentially.  Essentially, what was learned from this study is that young adults today are seriously lacking in key areas but they feel really good about themselves. For those of you who are confused: this is a very, very, bad thing.

 Experts have expressed concern that students surveyed display indications of narcissistic personality disorder. This manifests itself in failing to care about other people's feelings and needs, taking advantage of others, feeling superior, a strong sense of entitlement, relationship difficulties, fragile self-esteem, expressing disdain for those they feel are inferior and believing that they are special. People with narcissistic personality disorders often have a complete lack of empathy for others.

At this point you may be wondering why a blog that is dedicated to spiritual issues would bother with a survey of college students and their bloated egos. The reason is two-fold. First, the students who participated in this study are guilty of a spiritual offense: pride. Secondly, these attitudes are not manifesting themselves out of thin air; they were sown into these young people by well-meaning parents and educators.

Pride is a serious sin with serious consequences: Scripture teaches that it is a character trait God has a real problem with (Proverbs 8:13), it is at the root of fights and quarrels (Proverbs 13:10), it is a quality common amongst criminals (Psalms 73:5-7) and pride is the ultimate cause of self-destruction (Proverbs 16:18).

I want to clearly state that I don’t think that every college student with a bloated ego is a narcissistic, quarrelsome criminal; nor do I believe that self-destruction is a given. People can mature and change. That said, this study reveals an alarming problem that has serious consequences for the future of our society. The students of today are the leaders of the future. The notion of being led, in my golden years, by a nation of narcissists who have no concern for others, is unsettling. 

Parenting is a spiritual issue (Deuteronomy 4:10, 6, Proverbs 20:7, Colossians 3:20) that has long-term spiritual and societal consequences. I am an optimist; I believe that if parents of young children make changes in their parenting styles now, our society may be saved from a horrible fate in the future. Following are some tips for raising kids who care…

Teach your children to fear God~ Proverbs 9:10

Fearing God has fallen hopelessly out of fashion. It’s trendier to speak about the love of God than the fear of God. Our kids need to know that there is a God who demands justice, mercy and right living (Micah 6:8). They also need to understand that each of us will be accountable to God for our choices (Hebrews 4:13).  Understanding these two truths is often the only thing that keeps our self-interest and bad behavior in check.

Encourage gratitude and giving~ Colossians 2:6-7

 When kids are mindful of their blessings it produces a desire to bless others. When kids learn to give rather than take they start to look outside of themselves and become more caring people. When my two oldest were young they went through an ugly phase of discontent. We only had one TV and no gaming system, our computer was lame and they only got new toys at Christmas and birthdays (it was truly tragic stuff). I was certain my kids were hopeless ingrates.  A clever friend suggested that I get them involved in a helping ministry. We started volunteering at a food bank and in short order my kids had brand-new attitudes. Being exposed to kids who were excited to get a day-old cake or a box of macaroni and cheese did wonders for their perspectives.

Teach your child to deal graciously with disappointment~ Philippians 4:11-12

I am not a fan of the “everybody gets a trophy” philosophy of parenting. In my view it has produced a generation of infantile young adults who can’t lose with dignity or deal with hardship appropriately. Kids should not always be shielded from the fact that life is sometimes hard (use wisdom with this one). Losing a game is an age-appropriate way to teach this truth. If we want our kids to grow into productive adults they must learn to recover from difficulties with a measure of grace.

Teach empathy~ Romans 12:15-16, Matthew 9:36

Empathy is the ability to identify with other’s feelings and respond to them in a compassionate manner. It’s important to model this skill. It’s even more essential to teach it. Most children (and many adults) are so self-focused that they must be taught to think about situations from the perspective of others. I have a child who went through a phase where they got irritated with anyone who was slow and deliberate in their actions (i.e. anyone old). I sat down with this child and explained in child-like terms the physiology of old people. I also informed them that they too would be old someday (that was a shocker!) and asked them how they would feel if they heard a child talking about them the way they were talking about older people. The child is now a young adult who is very respectful and compassionate towards older people but they had to be taught to behave that way. Compassion and empathy are not always natural behaviors to a fallen people.

Make respect the rule in your home~ 1st Peter 2:17

When our kids were young my husband and I made the decision not to allow disrespect or back talk. We allowed one appeal to our decisions and then the kids were expected to abide by our verdicts; they didn’t have to like them but they had to respect them. We did not allow name-calling or mean-spirited teasing either. Apparently, this was a counter-cultural parenting decision. Well-meaning friends and relatives assured us that our kids would be emotionally crippled by the limitations we placed on their speech.  I’m pleased to report that the kids are young adults and they are all just fine. The Bible is very clear that respect for others including those in authority is an essential aspect of a functioning family, society or organization, (Leviticus 19:3, 32, Proverbs 13:13, Romans 13:7, Ephesians 5:33, Hebrews 12:9, 1st Peter 3:7).  Respect, like empathy, must be taught because it’s not a natural inclination.

These five tips are in no way a comprehensive strategy to raising healthy caring adults, they are a good starting place. I believe with all my heart that truth is both caught and taught. If you teach a truth but don’t live it, your kids will see the incongruity and know that you are a hypocrite. If you model truth without giving instruction, you are running the risk that your children will never be perceptive enough to “catch-it”.

 The cultural reality we are living in today is in part the fruit of millions of individual parenting decisions and choices. If we want a different culture tomorrow we must start making different parenting choices today.



 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up~ Galatians 6:9 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Fear or Faith?


 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap; they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” Luke 12:22-26

I’m not ordinarily a fearful person. I worry from time to time about all the normal stuff that everybody worries about: money, the health and welfare of my family, etc. and since we got to Arizona I worry occasionally about finding a snake on my front porch (it happens here). But I’ve never been one to worry excessively. Recently that has changed.  

We live in scary times, scarier than anything I have seen in my lifetime. Wars, rumors of wars, unemployment, eroding moral and ethical standards, the national debt, mass shootings and a nation that is sharply divided over political and moral issues… If I really want to get myself worked up all I have to do is think about the fact that future generations are stuck with the unholy mess that we’ve made of this world. All I have to do is turn on the news or read the paper and I get apprehensive.

The words of Jesus in Luke 12:22-26 caused me to rethink my current tendency to stress about things I can’t control. Jesus’ position on worry is pretty straightforward. I suppose it’s because He knows better than anybody that worry changes nothing and often ends up cheating us out of blessings.

When we allow fear to overtake faith we are inclined to take matters into our own hands without consulting God and wise human counsel. Often we end up exchanging a bad problem for a much worse one. A scriptural example of this is found in 1st Samuel. 1st Samuel 27:1 says: David thought to himself, “One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul.”

 The text says David “thought to himself” it’s really code for David got freaked out and started to worry. Honestly, David had reason to worry; when he began his stint as a fugitive from Saul he was a young guy with few responsibilities. At this point he is no longer young: he has two wives, and a large group of men with families that he is responsible for as their leader, and Saul is ruthlessly hounding him. It would be a lot to deal with.

So David got busy and went to Philistine territory and had a meeting with the King of Gath (a known enemy of the Israelites). The King allowed him to take refuge in Philistine territory under the condition that he would go to Israel everyday and kill Israelites. For obvious reasons David was unwilling to comply with this condition; instead he spent his days wiping out entire Philistine communities and lying to the King about his activities. As you can imagine, David’s “solution” created all kinds of crazy drama (and guilt).

 David’s actions only served to further complicate his already complicated life. Christians can be guilty of the same type of sin. For example, women who enter into marriages with unbelieving husbands because of loneliness or fear of never getting married or businesspeople who compromise their values for the sake of fitting into their corporate culture.

I have learned first hand that one of the greatest perils of worry is that it steals our ability to live in the moment and enjoy our blessings. There are people who approach worry with a superstitious attitude. They know that most of the stuff they worry about never happens, so they worry in an effort to prevent bad things from happening. A woman once confessed to me that she approached parenthood from that angle; she spent so much time worrying about her kids as they were growing up that she didn’t enjoy their childhoods at all. In fact, she barely remembered their growing-up years.

The greatest problem with worry is that it minimizes God as it magnifies our problems. God can become lost in the fray of our fear. That turns our worry into a weird form of idolatry, where we give our fear a greater platform in our lives than we give God.

The answer to worry is not to block out our problems or to simply focus on the positive. That is denial and it’s unproductive and dangerous. The first response to worry should be to focus on the things that are really a problem. Things that might possibly happen someday aren’t real problems.

 I have found that prayerful action and planning for the future helps to minimize anxiety. If you are worried about your finances, pray about it. Ask God for wisdom, seek wise human counsel and then do something! Cut back on your spending, find a second source of income, and pay off debt. If you are concerned about the state of your marriage get some godly help. If the behavior of your kids has you concerned, change the direction of your parenting. It’s not wrong to take action as long as we don’t sin in the process.

The most critical piece of overcoming worry is to really believe God for the future; especially when it comes to things we have no control over (like the state of the economy or the current political landscape). We must believe that God is still in control and believe that as crazy as the world has gotten it’s all a part of God’s greater plan and the turmoil serves a greater purpose. We must pray through our fear for the future and keep praying until the fear subsides. I will be the first to admit that trusting is not easy; but nobody honest ever said faith is easy.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Trick or Treat Like a Grown-up


When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me~ 1 Corinthians 13:11

Like most young men his age, my son has struggled with a crisis of maturity.  Unlike most young men, my son’s crisis has centered on just one subject: trick-or-treating.

Please don’t judge us that we let our kids trick-or-treat. I know that it’s a controversial subject in Christian circles and we aren’t heathens; in fact it’s something my husband and I discussed at length when the kids were younger. We finally decided to go ahead and let the kids trick-or-treat for two reasons: first, we saw it as an opportunity to engage our neighbors on a social level (my reason). Second, it felt like we were stealing candy from the devil and it felt good (my husband’s reason).

Back to my son. Even though we let the kids trick or treat we felt there should be an age limit on it. If you have a driver’s license and/or facial hair, it’s time to call it quits. We began easing our kids into the reality that trick-or-treating would not last forever around middle school when we began to gently suggest that it was time to start thinking about voluntarily giving it up.

 Alex completely ignored our gentle suggestions, so when he was a freshman we laid down the law and informed him that it was his last year. He complied but still found some creative ways around our edict. He took his little sister and her friends to “watch out for them” and would go as an observer with his younger friends whenever he got a chance.

I think that for Alex his love of trick or treating was less about the candy and more about the experience. He has a gregarious and fun-loving personality that was made for experiences like going door-to-door asking complete strangers for candy. This year he figured out how to put a new spin on trick or treating: he took an old door and put a sign on it that read “Please Knock,” and then he and his friend Beau went around the neighborhood handing out candy to anyone who would knock on the door. Needless to say it was a big hit; the neighbors are still talking about it.  

His antics got me thinking that some of us (including myself) could learn something from my son and his friend about the importance of finding mature and creative ways to turn things around and give instead of get.  I say this because I fear that in general we are becoming a self-centered nation. Not in the big things; when a natural disaster strikes or a tragedy takes place everybody jumps in to offer support and care.

It’s the little things that concern me, like the way we drive, our concern (or lack of concern) for the financial and environmental health and well being of future generations, the way we speak to one another and treat those with whom we disagree. I find our lack of kindness and civility troubling because just as kindness is contagious rudeness and cruelty tend to be as well.  

God’s word is full of instruction on how to become a better person. Here are three examples of God’s wisdom…

1.    
Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling~ 1st Peter 4:9

2.    Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and everyone else~ 1st Thessalonians 4:15

3.    Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice~ Proverbs 24:17

None of these three commands are difficult to obey, but neither are they easy because even as believers all three war against our flesh. Our sinful nature affects us in such a way that we want to distance ourselves from people we don’t already like or know.  And let’s be honest: revenge feels good, kindness is hard work and mocking a disgraced enemy is crazy fun. 

The consequences for giving into our fleshly desires are huge: when we isolate ourselves we forfeit blessings (Hebrews 13:2).  Seeking revenge instead of reconciliation twists our character and leads to greater evil and, well, God makes it pretty clear how He feels about making fun of those who have wronged us in Proverbs 24:17-18:

Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him [your enemy].

As I watched my son and his friend this past Halloween I realized that he had turned an important corner on his road to adulthood. Alex is learning the valuable truth that maturity is not just about giving up childish behavior; it’s about replacing it with good deeds and concern for others. 

My goal this year is not just to avoid saying or doing anything bad but also to be actively good. I want to be more than just courteous; I want to enlarge my circle of friends by welcoming strangers into my home and life. I want to learn to pray for the guy with whom I disagree politically. I want to show kindness and compassion even to people who have wronged me. I suspect that if all Christ-followers would do the same we would see real and profound change in each of our world.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres~ 1st Corinthians 13:4-7