Why we Fail to Keep our Kids Christian

I will teach you hidden lessons from our past— stories we have heard and known, stories our ancestors handed down to us. We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation 
about the glorious deeds of the Lord, 
about his power and his mighty wonders~ Psalm 78:3-4~ NLT

There are few subjects in this world that I feel more passionate about than parenting. I have loved being a parent. It has been the second most life-shaping event of my existence (converting to Christianity was the first). Child rearing not only shapes us into better people; it gives an opportunity to shape our children and in the process impact our world for Christ. Parenting, if done well, can be a highly effective form of evangelism with the potential for multi-generational impact. I am convinced that healthy Christian parenting could very well be the key to turning the cultural and moral tide in our world.

If Christian parents can effectively pass on their faith to their kids, those who embrace Christian morality could very well gain a numerical advantage over those who don’t all over the Western world through demographics in the coming years. It sounds too good to be true but it isn’t: Religious women (of all faiths) tend to have more children than non-religious women.  Women in the U.S. who describe themselves as religious and conservative have a thirty percent higher birthrate than women who describe themselves as liberal and non-religious.  Traditionally, children have tended to adopt the faith and political views of their parents; this has been been true of Christianity for 2000 years, until recently.

Recent statistics are showing an alarming trend in the opposite direction. Christian women are still having more babies than non-religious women but those kids aren’t sticking around the church. Nearly 70% of young adults who are raised in evangelical churches are leaving the Christian faith upon graduation from high school. A few return when they have families of their own, but most don’t.

In last week’s blog post, “Five Keys to Keeping our Kids Christian,” I observed that certain types of families tend to have a better retention rate than other families.  I shared a few things parents can do to create the kind of family that tends to keep their kids Christian. A few days after the blog was posted I got a phone call from a close friend who had read my blog.

  We discussed my observations for a while, and then she asked me a question that has been bugging me all week: “Why on earth don’t more parents do this stuff?” Her query got me thinking.  Today I want to explore her question by sharing six reasons parents don’t pass on the faith to their kids.

I recognize the fact that there are some parents who did everything possible to disciple their kids and have not had the desired results. I understand there are situations that are beyond the control of parents; one of the sad truths concerning kids is that they grow into adults who have free will and there are some who will choose to reject the faith and do their own thing no matter how well their parents taught them.

If you are among the parents who sincerely tried with your kids and they rejected the faith my heart goes out to you. My goal today is not to heap guilt on already hurting parents but to prevent future train wrecks by providing some food for thought for those who still have kids at home. Through the years I have noticed a pattern with parents—not just with parents who effectively pass on their faith, but also with the parents who fail to do so. Those parents who struggle to pass on their faith tend to do so in one of six areas.

Fear of giving the wrong answers to spiritual questions~

This concern has some legitimacy. Kids ask tough questions and many parents feel woefully unqualified when it comes to answering tough questions. If fear is holding you back from talking to your kids about spiritual issues, I have some good news for you. First, you don’t have to have all the answers as long as you are willing to find them. Second, there are some excellent resources available; and third, it’s perfectly okay to learn about God and the Bible alongside your kids. A good beginners Bible or Bible storybook is great for younger kids and books like 1001 Questions Kids Ask about God and the Bible are great books to read with older kids. I cannot stress enough the importance of kids seeing their parents study the Bible and seeking to grow spiritually; the power of a good example cannot be underestimated.

They have been conditioned to leave their kids to the experts~

 Parents today are surrounded by experts of every kind. Doctors, psychologists, teachers, coaches, social workers and pastors are all giving parents the impression that they know more about kids than the parents. Experts have their place (I don’t recommend doing open heart surgery on your kid) but parents—not Veggie Tales, Sunday school teachers or Pastors— are the ones who are instructed to teach and train children (Deuteronomy 6:6-8, Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4). There is nothing wrong with Veggie Tales, Sunday school or other church activities, but they should be a supplement to what parents are teaching kids at home—not the primary source of teaching and training.

Laziness~

A while back one of my kids approached me and asked if I could answer some questions they had about the book of Revelation. The last thing I felt like doing at that moment was answering questions about the book of Revelation. There were some good reasons for my foot-dragging. First, it was late and I was exhausted. Second, I, unlike most women, have only so much capacity for conversation; I had spent a good deal of that day talking and I was pretty much talked out. Third, I had just finished up my chores for the night and all I wanted to do was put on a pair of comfy elastic-waist pants and veg out in front of the TV with a bowl of salty snacks.  Fourth, (please don’t judge me) I hate the book of Revelation. It’s a complicated book and to really do it justice you need to reference a bunch of other books of the Bible and it all gets rather involved. I wasn’t in the mood for something involved. I was about a to find a polite way to put the child off when I realized with a stab of conviction that I was being lazy. I could answer their questions but I just didn’t feel like it. I ended up having the discussion and it turned out that the child’s questions were really much deeper than the book of Revelation; their questions were more about the goodness of God and the responsibility and mystery of human freewill. If I had blown the kid off they would have been left to figure this stuff out alone.

Passing on the faith is about more than answering questions. Kids need to be protected from the culture, taken to church and taught the basics of the faith in a systematic way.  Laziness is probably the number one reason kids who grow up in Christian homes aren’t learning the Bible. Spiritual training is hard, time-consuming work and sometimes we just don’t feel like doing it. If we want our kids to stay Christian we have to get past our feelings and get busy.  

We want our kids to think we’re cool and talking about the Bible and biblical standards doesn’t feel cool~

There is nothing in this world less cool to a kid than an adult who is trying to be cool, so we should all stop trying. If your kids think you’re cool, it’s because you’re honest and forthcoming about what you believe and because you live by your convictions, not because you dress a certain way and avoid subjects that the world deems “uncool.” The Bible may not be cool or hip but it’s full of timeless life-changing truth and when your kids are old they will appreciate you sharing it with them far more than they will remember or care about your coolness quotient.

Unresolved guilt over past choices~

One of the greatest lies of our time says that you have to be completely prefect and sinless to have any moral authority.  Unfortunately many parents have bought into this lie and they feel they have no right to tell their kids that they have to attend church, stay away from drugs, avoid premarital sex and live differently than they did when they were young. The truth is that those of us who have felt the shame of past sins are the most qualified to warn others of the dangers of those sins. If you are in Christ, there is no condemnation (Romans 8:1-3). It is time for parents to stop condemning themselves over past sins and instead warn their kids of the potential dangers of straying from God’s path.  

Other activities take priority~

There is a lot of pressure on today’s parents to produce truly special children; specialness is defined as being enormously gifted in academics, dance, music or athletics. On top that of that pressure there is the added burden of getting kids into a good college and academic superiority or a well-developed talent is often seen as the ticket to future success. There is very little cultural value placed on morality, ethics or wisdom. In an effort to produce a “well-rounded” child many parents have their kids in an abundance of activities that are tremendously time consuming. None of these activities are wrong or sinful but they may take much needed time away from the “teachable moments” of life that are born from unstructured time. Some parents even encourage their kids to drop out of church activities in order to make more time for sports or academics. I am convinced that God is more concerned with the state our children’s souls than He is with their academic and athletic performance.

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 A wise man once observed that people are the only things on earth we can take to heaven with us when we die. I don’t know of a single Christian parent who does not want to take their children with them into eternity. Teaching our children the truth about who God is and what he is all about is the key to taking them with us. But it’s not just eternity that is at stake; we live in a world that desperately needs the redemptive power of biblical truth.

Psalm 127:4-5 refers to children as arrows in a quiver. Arrows are shaped thorough a process called fletching. If its done right the arrow will be straight and symmetrical and will shoot in such a way that it hits any target it is aimed at. Our responsibility as parents is to be intentional in the shaping of our kids and to have a target that we are aiming at. If we aim at the target of raising kids who know truth and understand how to apply it to real life situations, we have will not just take them with us into eternity but also reform society in the process.

  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him~ Colossians 3:16-18 ESV