Dear Parents,

Foolish children bring grief to their father and bitterness to the one who gave them birth~ Proverbs 17:25 NLT

Dear Parents,

The news has been flooded with stories of teenagers and young adults who are out of control. The short list of societal low points would have to include Miley Cyrus and her infamous twerking escapade, the August “thrill killing” of an Australian college student, and the beating of a freshman by three upperclassmen because he told school administrators that the older boys were selling drugs. 

Then there’s the situation that most recently made headlines:  last month in upstate New York, an evening of drunken debauchery ended with twenty thousand dollars in damage to a vacation home owned by former football player Brian Holloway. The kids snuck into the home, broke windows, busted-up doors, urinated on carpets, spray painted graffiti on walls and punched holes in the ceiling. The culprits were proud enough of their actions to post photos of their deeds on social networking sites.

 Because these types of stories have become so commonplace, we have become desensitized to one of the great tragedies of our time. The appalling reality is that we are in jeopardy of squandering the greatest resource any society has: the next generation. And it’s not just kids from low-income, single parent homes that we are in danger of losing. It’s all of them.

 Parents, teachers, coaches and Pastors have allowed and even encouraged young people to prolong childhood and pursue foolishness well into their second decade of life, and now the chickens have come home to roost. Even well educated young adults often find themselves ill equipped for the rigors of the workplace and incapable of managing the emotional complexities of marriage and family life. If we are going to change the direction of our society, we are going to have to change the way we parent our kids.  

I come at this from a unique perspective: I was a crappy kid (I know crappy is not a nice word, but it fits). I will spare you the details but suffice it to say: I was a mess. Because of my childhood experiences, I know it’s parents who are too busy, too trusting, and/or too checked-out of life that set the stage for kids to run wild.  

 So parents, I am going to give you some advice that I sincerely wish someone had given my parents long before I reached my teen years. It might have saved me a few lost years and them a lot of heartache. First…

Get married and stay married~ Malachi 2:15-17

I know that I have offended some of you already, but please bear with me. Single parenting is destructive to kids partly because it distracts parents from the task of parenting. Kids—especially teens—use this distraction to their advantage and often end up in unhealthy situations. Parents, I know that staying married is hard. Sometimes it’s even impossible. But it is your responsibility to put your kids first even when it’s hard. That means sticking it out, if at all possible, and keeping your focus on the kids, not yourself, if it’s not.  

Stop telling kids they are awesome when they are not~ Proverbs 26:28

The quickest, most efficient way to produce a narcissist is to celebrate every little thing someone does and says whether it is praiseworthy or not. It’s important to praise actual achievement, especially moral and ethical achievement. But when we tell kids they are awesome when clearly they are just mediocre, our flattery creates a false sense of goodness and a dangerously inflated ego. Our world is teeming with young adults who have no regard for others. This is mainly because it’s become hip to tell kids they are good instead of teaching them to be good. Parents, if you teach your kids to be selfless, truthful, noble, hardworking, and God-fearing they will grow into adults who feel good about their actions because their actions will be virtuous—not because they’ve bought the lie that everybody is awesome.   

Know what your kids are up to~ Matthew 10:16  

In August of 2012 two football players raped a drunken fifteen-year-old at a party in Ohio while her classmates watched. There were many shocking aspects to this case: the girl who was too drunk to know she was being raped, the unrepentant football players, the fact that nobody stepped in to help this girl, etc. But by far the most appalling aspect of this situation was the complete absence of parents. No parents were in the house where the rape occurred. No parents called the home hosting the party to find out if adults were going to be present. No parents drove past the house to check up on their kids and none of the neighbors called the police to report the party. One pro-active parent could have altered the course of the entire evening. Parents, it’s your job to know where your kids are, it’s your job to know who their friends are and it’s your job to wreck the fun before questionable conduct ends in tragedy.         

Make them take responsibility~ Proverbs 29:17

Kids screw up. It’s a big part of being a kid. Kids make mistakes, they hurt people, and sometimes they even damage property. As a parent you need to expect this sort of thing and love your kids enough to turn these situations into teachable moments. Transgressions are turned into teachable moments by explaining why actions were wrong, forcing kids to apologize to people they have hurt, and expecting them to make restitution for property damage. Be warned: your kids will hate you for this. But they will forgive you eventually, and more importantly; they learn from the experience and will be better people for it in the long run.

 

Teach your kids to fear God~ Deuteronomy 11:18-20, Proverbs 1:7   

It’s important for kids to understand that God loves them (John 3:16). Most Christian parents do a pretty good job of communicating this truth. Where parents are failing is in teaching kids that God is more than just love and He exists to do more than meet our needs and satisfy our whims. God is the final authority in all things and He has expectations for our lives; He cares very much about what we do and don’t do. He gives us eternal life (if we ask for it) but in return He expects us to obey Him. Most people—especially young people—will not do the right thing without proper incentive. Knowing that there is a God who will judge the hearts and actions of people is just the incentive people need to keep them on track (Hebrews 10:13).

Parents, you need to understand that there is nothing on earth more wretchedly unhappy than an aimless teenager. There is also nothing more dangerous to society.  Loving your kid means giving them direction and setting boundaries. It means teaching them right from wrong and holding them accountable when they screw up.  Letting your teens do whatever they want may feel like the loving thing to do, but it’s not. Permissiveness is not love; it’s laziness, and this laziness destroys lives. So love your kids enough to stay married, make them take responsibility, know what they’re up to, tell them the truth about themselves and most importantly teach them to fear God. They will thank you for it.

Sincerely,

A former crappy kid

The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him~ Proverbs 23:24