Three Tools for Building People

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing~ 1^st Thessalonians 5:11

When our oldest daughter was in the ninth grade, her science teacher had each of his students construct a Rube Goldberg device over Christmas break. For the uninitiated, a Rube Goldberg machine is a device built using an excess of absurdly complicated pulleys, levers, moving parts and gizmos that all work together to tell a funny story and perform a simple task. The project represented a sizable portion of our daughter’s semester grade.

Five things were apparent within an hour of receiving the details of the assignment:

1.    The teacher was a vacation-spoiling troll.

2.    Rube Goldberg machines are not the sort of project the average student can complete without parental assistance.

3.    The assignment was clearly intended to separate mechanically skilled (smart) parents from mechanically challenged (stupid) parents.  

4.    Alan and I fell solidly into the second category.

5.    I loathed her science teacher with every fiber of my being.

Thank heavens I married a clever man.

 I quickly devolved into a pool of emotional goo and proceeded to rant bitterly against tyrannical teachers who assign tasks that are impossible to accomplish without time and money from parents. I might very well have been standing in the exact same spot ranting when school started back up if it were not for the rational actions of my quick-witted husband.

Alan called his stepdad (who happened to have an engineering degree) and invited/begged him and my mother-in-law to visit over the Christmas break. It turned out to be a win-win for everyone. The in-laws were elated to spend some quality time with our kids and the grown-ups had a very pleasant visit. Her teacher was spared an unpleasant phone call and our daughter got an A on the project.

The experience taught me that the building anything is serious business. I still couldn’t build a Rube Goldberg machine if my life depended on it. But I did learn there are some some parallels to the building of things and the building-up of people. Both require a solid plan, careful thought and some real skill.

The New Testament has precious little to say about the building of things or the constructing of structures. But it does give a great deal of coaching on the building-up of people. Christians are told repeatedly to grow the body of Christ by looking for ways to build others up. Parents are to build up children, husbands are to build up their wives, wives should build up their husbands, and Church leaders and members are to look for ways to build the other. There is a lot that goes into the building –up of others but it all begins with three foundational elements:

Relationship- 1^st Corinthians 16:14  

One of the more profound truths I learned from my father-in-law is that the wrong foundation will doom an otherwise well-constructed device. The same is true with people. For people the foundation for building needs to be a loving relationship and healthy communication. Without relationship and rapport, efforts to build up another person can feel an awful lot like meddling or even malice.

Encouragement- Hebrews 3:13

Too often encouragement devolves into hollow praise and gracious but meaningless words we express to the people we like. Biblical encouragement is a form of nurturing that is intended to stimulate spiritual and emotional growth in people. This empowers people to become the totality of what God intends them to be. Well-timed words of encouragement and exhortation can spur others on towards love and good deeds when life gets tough and faith is fading.  Encouragement can be life-changing when it is born out of relationship and careful observation of the character, abilities and gifts of person we want to encourage.       

Truthful words- Ephesians 4:15

 Building people occasionally necessitates some gentle and kindhearted truth telling. When someone we love is headed in the wrong direction or engaging in potentially damaging behavior the most loving thing we can do is to tell him or her what the outcome of that behavior might be. Truth telling should never be harsh or punitive. Truth telling should be done lovingly with relationship and the long-term spiritual growth of the person in mind.

Building others up is not about ignoring bad behavior or raising self-esteem through empty words of flattery. The building of people is serious business that, if done right, empowers others to do and be all they can for the Kingdom of God. The building of people is not optional for Christians. It is a command that, if obeyed, does as much for the one doing the building as it does for those being built up.

    

 So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another~ Romans 14:19 NASB

The Only Acceptable Form of Child Abuse

Capricious children will rule over them, the people will be oppressed; each one by another, and each one by his neighbor. The youth will storm against the elder and the inferior against the honorable~ Isaiah 3:4b-5 NASB

It’s difficult to quibble with the notion that our society has become progressively more child-centric over the course of the last few decades. The phrase “family friendly” is assigned to everything from frozen chicken dinners to prime parking spaces at the local supermarket. Sentimental ballads like “Children are Our Future” are the rallying cry of educators, church leadership and Moms and Dads everywhere.

All kidding aside, overall concern for the health and welfare of kids has brought about some much-needed changes in our culture. Research has raised awareness concerning the educational, medical and emotional needs of growing children. Parents readily invest more of their time, energy and treasure in raising kids than at any other time in history; and educators are much more in tune with the developmental needs of each individual child. As a result, school is far more interesting than it used to be.

 All this child-centeredness has also brought with it a greater awareness of child abuse and neglect. Physical discipline of any kind is now frowned upon and has been replaced with more “enlightened” forms of discipline.

 I am all for anything that brings awareness to the horrors of child abuse. But I’m afraid we’ve exchanged physical abuse and emotional neglect with a pernicious new form of child abuse. One that is much more socially acceptable but every bit as crippling to the long-term health and well being of children.

I call this relatively new form of child abuse “insulation.” Insulation happens when well-intentioned parents go beyond protecting their children from harmful influences or danger. Parents who insulate attempt to shield their kids from every kind of distress, pain, sadness, discomfort, discouragement or discontent. Some of the more common methods of insulation would include:

Demanding teachers give kids grades they have not earned

Refusing to expose kids to unfamiliar foods for fear they won’t like them

Insisting swings and other “dangerous” equipment be removed from playgrounds

Piling on undeserved praise 

Allowing laziness and irresponsibility 

Failing to tell children “no” when appropriate

Delaying the teaching of necessary life skills (cooking, cleaning, driving, money management)

Neglecting to correct disrespect or rudeness

Anxiety over offending your child

Operating as a mediator with teachers and other authority figures

There is nothing sinful about attempting to make childhood pleasant. Nor is it wrong to want to protect children from danger. The world we live in is full of evil people and some genuine threats. One of the primary obligations of parents and guardians is to shelter innocent children from unsafe people and risky situations.

The trouble comes when parents endeavor to shield their children from unpleasant or painful situations that teach kids truth about life. A scraped knee is painful, but the pain effectively communicates to a child the truth concerning their physical limitations. A bad grade won’t kill a student, but the embarrassment that comes with a bad grade may instill in them the importance of working hard. If a youngster is never made to try unfamiliar foods they will be robbed of the joy of discovering foods they do like.

Childhood is far too brief to fritter away time puffing kids up with unjustified praise or setting them up for disappointment by constructing a fictitious reality lacking responsibility or obligation. Childhood is the only time parents get to teach kids all they will need to know to navigate the rigors of the adult world. One aspect of preparing kids for the inevitability of adulthood is guiding them through unpleasant or challenging experiences, not eliminating them entirely.

Parents ought to teach kids to negotiate with teachers or coaches, rather than doing it for them. This gives kids the confidence and skills needed to deal with supervisors and managers in the future. Parents need to demand respect and teach etiquette because respect for others, civility and good manners make children and grown-ups more likeable and more marketable in the professional world. Refusing to correct disrespect sets a child up to be disliked and passed over for opportunities.

Insulation is born out of a misguided interpretation of love. Love is more than just squishy, squashy, sloppy sentimentality. Love is more than a urge to bless and shelter. Authentic love is multifaceted and complex. It is patient and kind, but it is also honest, tough and future focused. Love desires what is best long-term. Love looks beyond childhood and prepares for adulthood. Love motivates kids to try new things, to be courageous, protects when appropriate and corrects when necessary. Love, authentic love, provides kids a start that will serve them well over the course their lifetime.

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things~ 1^st Corinthians 13:11   

Being the Season

We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us~ 2^nd Corinthians 5:20a

This last weekend boredom, a rare kid-free afternoon, a beautiful sunny day, and a case of cabin fever conspired to make me break a self-imposed rule that has served me well for years. I left my house (a.k.a. fortress of sanity) and headed out to the local mall on black Friday.

 Because I wasn’t really there to shop, I was free to engage in some intense people watching.

The mob seemed divided into two distinct groups: those who were stimulated and exhilarated by the crowds, and those who were not. The first faction wore big smiles, had an abundance of energy and was clearly in excellent spirits. However, the vast majority looked weary, frantic and painfully over-stimulated.

One woman who was clearly a part of the second group caught my attention. Initially it was her festive Christmas sweater, cute boots and jingle bell necklace that I noticed. Ultimately, it was the bitter rant she directed at a harassed-looking salesgirl that seized my attention. The woman went from weary to enraged when the salesgirl politely declined to honor a coupon that had expired.

 I will not bore you with all the details of the long drawn-out moral debate I had with myself as I struggled to decide whether or not to use this woman as an example in a blog post. After all, I do not know her, nor do I know how she typically conducts herself.

 For all know she is a really pleasant person who just happened to be having a really bad day. It is also conceivable that she was dealing with some challenging personal issues that contributed to her response to the situation. Heaven knows there have been some singular moments of bad behavior in my own life that I do not wish to have judged by anyone.

All that said, my decision to share this story had more to do with something she said rather than with what she did. Six words uttered by a cranky stranger, on the foulest shopping day of the year got me thinking about how I view the celebration of an entire season …

“I’m just trying to celebrate Christmas!”

You need to understand up-front that nobody on earth loves Christmas more than I do. My husband and kids are convinced that I should be named the official poster child for Christmas celebrations. I love the lights and decorations (the tackier, the better), the music (the louder, the better), the food (the richer, the better), the movies (the cornier, the better), the traditions, the parties (the more the better) but most of all I love the giving and yes, the receiving of presents.

But even I have to admit that the humble Christ-child and His much-needed message of peace and reconciliation can and often do get lost in the midst of all the frantic celebration and merriment.

I am not, nor would I ever be rash enough to call for an end to the celebration of Christmas. It’s just too much fun. And I believe with all my being that the God we serve is a lover of fun, celebration and merriment. Old Testament law called for and even commanded the joyful celebration of frequent Holy days. 

However, the irritable woman in the mall got me thinking. Maybe Christmas is a thing I should endeavor to embody rather than something I celebrate and enjoy for one month out of the year.

 So this year as I celebrate the holiday and relish the fun and feasting that has become a part of the commemoration of our Savior’s birth, I will not strive to do more this year. Like most Christians in our culture I already do way too much at Christmas time.

 Rather, my goal this Christmas is to be more.  With the help of God’s empowering grace I will endeavor to be the promise of hope that Jesus offers. In the midst of the madness and craziness of the Christmas Season I will take some time out of my busy schedule to be the peace that Jesus that came to give mankind.

Most importantly, as I interact with my weary neighbors and the harried salesclerks and the cranky shoppers I will make a concerted effort to embody the love and grace that Jesus came to show humanity.

 

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace~ Isaiah 9:6

       

    

The "Why" of Thankfulness

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful~ Colossians 3:25

I like to know the “why” of everything.

 I will not accept medical advice I do not thoroughly understand. I often find myself more than a little reluctant to follow rules that do not make sense to me. And my sweet family has a tough time planning any kind of surprise for my birthday, because I flat refuse to go anywhere or do anything without fully understanding where I’m going and what I’m going to do when I get there.

As you might imagine, this personal quirk has created more than a few issues in my life. Doctors are not generally fond of my bothersome little questions; and I’ve discovered the hard way that rule makers are hostile to what they perceive as my challenges to their authority. Moreover, my family gets exasperated every year right around my birthday. Their irritation tends to put a bit of a damper on the celebration.

Yet another area where this personality quirk has created problems is in my relationship with God. It’s taken a while, but I have slowly made peace with the fact that God does not routinely feel the need to explain Himself or his commands to me.

Fortunately for me, there are some rare occasions where the Almighty surprises me and clarifies His position on something by exposing a truth in Scripture that I have never really noticed before. Such was the case this past week when I came across this little gem in the book of Romans:

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened~ Romans 1:21

This one unassuming little verse tucked into the book of Romans illuminated for me the “why” of a whole lot of imperative commands found in the New Testament. Including…

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus~ 1^st Thessalonians 5:18

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him~ Colossians 3:18

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God~ Philippians 4:6

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful~ Colossians 4:2

Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ~ Ephesians 5:19b-20

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe~ Hebrews 12:28

According to Romans one, those of us who know God should regularly verbalize our thankfulness to God. Not because God has a sick need to hear our gratitude. God has no needs, but we do have a need to be grateful. When human beings decline to show proper gratitude towards God, a spiritual change takes place, first in our thinking and then in our hearts. If that change in thinking is left unchecked, the absence of thankfulness will eventually lead to a downward moral and spiritual spiral (Romans 1:21-32). The immorality that results from a lack of gratitude will inevitably end in our own spiritual and moral ruin.

As we celebrate the one and only day our culture sets aside for thankfulness and enter the season of greed and covetousness that Christmas has become, we should endeavor to remember that Thanksgiving is more than a day of feasting and football. It is also more than a fun family day before the frenzied shopping season.

Spiritually speaking, acknowledgement of God’s goodness, thankfulness and gratitude are a kind of preventative medicine. Thankfulness is also the only fitting response to the goodness, mercy and provision of our great God.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!      

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name~ Psalm 100:4