Dealing With the List and Other Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

As a newlywed I felt that I was at a distinct disadvantage when it came to relationships. As a Christian I knew that marriage was important and I wanted very much to have a successful relationship; but I had very few (read: no) good examples to draw from. I had relatives who had successful marriages but was not super close to any of them. My parents’ relationship was a less than ideal model; although they stayed together their interactions with one another were, well, less than loving and I knew that I wanted something better for my own marriage. I decided that the best way to figure how happily married people stayed happily married was to watch married people and learn from them.

I have been observing both happily and not-so-happily married couples for well over two decades and have had some of my original assumptions regarding marriage challenged through the years. Early on I believed that there had to be a formula, a magic list of do’s and don’ts that would ensure success. I logically concluded that if I could figure out the formula my husband and I would be blissfully happy.

 I now know that there is no formula. Happy couples come in all shapes and sizes and when we try to fit our relationship into someone else’s mold we make ourselves miserable. That said I do believe that there are some secrets that happily married people have discovered. Today I will share five of them. The happiest couples…

Secret #1

Acknowledge and deal with the list ~

When I got married there was a list of things in my head that I wanted my husband to take ownership of. These issues are part of what motivated me to get married in the first place. These tasks included: home repairs, investigating scary noises, mowing the lawn, and squashing spiders. I have since learned three truths regarding my list: first, everybody has a secret list of reasons why they get married that they rarely talk about.  Second, no one gets everything on their list—especially if they keep their list a secret. Third, the list is not a problem not dealing with the list is. Not talking about this stuff is at the root of many divorces; no spouse can possibly meet a need they don’t know exists. For most women their list includes all the stuff I mentioned and maybe a few other things like assembling furniture and dealing with the mechanic. For men it’s stuff like sex, cleaning the bathroom and never having to deal with the daycare lady. Often we pretend we don’t feel the way do because our lists seem so sexist and unenlightened: women feel weak admitting they hate dealing with spiders and the mechanic and men feel like jerks confessing that they got married so they could have sex and not clean the bathroom. Happy couples bring their wants and needs out into the open and then go about negotiating a system that is equitable for both of them in a non-judgmental way.

Secret #2

Deal with issues privately~

Dealing with your issues privately does not dismiss the possibility of getting help from a professional. It means you don’t use your Mom or best friend as your counselor. The problem with sharing our struggles with friends and family is two-fold. First, none of us wants to confess our part in the conflict when we are unloading; we tend to leave out big portions of any story that make us look bad. Secondly, the people you tell your problems to don’t get to see you and your spouse resolve the conflict and so they are left with an overwhelmingly negative perception of your spouse. It then becomes very difficult for them to let go of their perceptions and be supportive of your marriage even after incidents are long forgotten in your mind. Happy couples keep their problems private; if they find that they have something they just can’t work out, they make an appointment with a professional who will keep them both honest.

Secret #3

Do life together~

Because we are all so busy there is a temptation amongst married couples to live essentially separate lives, seeing each other only on weekends and communicating through texts and then reconnecting at big romantic events i.e. vacation getaways, expensive dinners and marriage conferences. I have observed that the happiest couples rarely partake in such events; instead they connect on a daily basis over the minutia of life. They shop together, watch TV together, cook together and parent the kids together. I believe that these couples have discovered the key to marital endurance: friendship. Friendships need routine attention to keep them vibrant and fresh and happy couples make routine attention a priority.

Secret #4

Refuse to keep score~

I remember a conversation I had with a friend years ago, when my first child was a newborn. My friend informed me that when she and her husband had kids she was going to create a “diaper chart” to ensure that her husband changed as many diapers as she did. I was not at all surprised to hear that this woman is divorced. I have learned over the years that the work of marriage is never “fair” and trying to make it fair is the quickest way to create friction and discord. There are times when one spouse puts in fifty percent of the effort of making things work and the other spouse puts in one hundred and fifty percent of the effort; in time these things tend to reverse themselves, and it all evens out over time. Happy couples work for the good of the relationship as if they are keeping score without actually keeping score.

Secret #5

Persevere~

Over the years my husband and I have known some couples that have struggled through some really tough stuff. Some of these couples have made it through with marriages that are stronger and healthier than ever; others have divorced. I have always wondered what makes one couple survive through periods of boredom or difficulty and another divorce. After some deliberation I have concluded that it’s all about grit and determination.  It’s about making a decision to live one day at a time till you get to the other side, because the other side always does come. The happiest couples have the ability to keep the big picture in mind; they know that if they are willing to put in the work things will get better. In short happy couples refuse to give up.

~

As Christians, marriage matters. Not just because it is a picture of a divine reality (Ephesians 5:31-33), but also because it is a witness to a lost and dying world that the addition of God into a relationship can make a difference in the outcome of that relationship. I believe with all of my heart that the secret to having a happy and fulfilling marriage is to realize that the purpose of marriage is not just to make us happy—although a good marriage is a source of great happiness—but also to make us better, more considerate, more holy people. 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins~ 1^st Peter 4:8