For this reason a man will leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife, the two will become one flesh. So they
are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one
separate~ Mark 10:7-10
Over the last few months I have received
the sad news that several close friends are divorcing. The length of time each
of these couples were married varies, as do the circumstances of the
separations, but the one thing all of these couples had in common was the fact
that they were all Bible-believing Christians.
The news was shocking because not only
were all the people involved believers, but they were all leaders in one-way or
another in their respective churches. Two of the three men had served as either
deacons or elders and all three women have taught Sunday school or led Bible
studies at some point in recent years.
I have to confess that I went through
something close to a grieving process with each revelation. No matter the
details, it’s all rather depressing. One couple has very young children,
another had been married long enough to have grandchildren and sadly another
couple had only been married eighteen months before they decided to call it
quits.
Christians of all denominations hold a
high view of marriage: most Christians marry, among those who are not married almost
all wish they were and the vast majority of books written on the subject of
marriage are written by Christian authors. I don’t know a single believer who
thinks that divorce is a good thing and yet the divorce rate among Christians
is alarmingly high.
After much thought on the subject I have
come to the conclusion that the problem is not with our view of divorce. For
the most part we all agree that divorce is bad. Our problem is with how we view
marriage. I have concluded that many Christians have bought into some dangerous
myths regarding marriage.
It is not my wish to heap guilt on the
divorced. If you are a Christian and divorced you have probably had more than
enough of that; I have no desire to add to the pile. I do want to attempt to
save some relationships by sharing four of the most common myths that
Christians believe about marriage:
Myth #1
There is one “right” way to do marriage~
I know it’s borderline blasphemy to say
this in some circles, but my husband and I are not big fans of most marriage
conferences. We don’t have a problem with all marriage conferences—just the
ones that offer one-size-fits-all solutions. At this type of event the speaker begins
by informing the audience that there is a “detailed biblical blueprint for
marriage” and if followed your relationship is “guaranteed to be harmonious and
successful.” While it’s true that the Bible contains clear instruction on the
subject of marriage, including mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21) selfless love
(Ephesians 5:25) respect (Ephesians 5:33, 1st Peter 3:7) and an
understanding of roles and responsibilities (1st Corinthians 7:2-5, Colossians
3). The how of working out that instruction
is nearly non-existent: The Bible is vague because it’s up to us to figure out
what respect and love looks like within the confines of our own relationship.
When someone presents a “detailed
blueprint” for marriage, the blueprint tends to ignore the reality that every
couple is different, all marriages are unique and the needs of individuals are
constantly changing. These teachers tend to believe that there is a God-ordained
“normal” in marriage and if you don’t fit squarely into that definition, there
is something wrong with your relationship. Some can actually breed discontent by
suggesting that your spouse is not living up to biblical expectations. I once went to a marriage conference content
with my husband, but left convinced he wasn’t cutting it as a spiritual leader
because although he prayed with the kids every night and discussed spiritual
truth with them on regular basis I was the one who gave them the bulk of their
spiritual training. After a period of angst I realized that what we were doing
was working: the kids were learning and they respected my husband so there was
no reason to mess with our method. There is more than one right way to do the
details of marriage as long as the relationship itself is undergirded by mutual respect, love, kindness,
forgiveness, and concern for the well being of your spouse.
Myth #2
Sticks and stones may break my bones but
words will never hurt me~
Words can hurt and if you hurt someone
often enough with words any positive feelings that person has for you will die.
Simply stated, telling your wife that she is a fat pig or calling your husband
a stupid moron is the fastest way to destroy the trust and affection in your
marriage. The best advice my husband and I ever got on marriage was to speak kindly
to each other using the same level of respect and politeness we would give our
closest friends. Speaking nicely does not mean that you ignore big issues or
never disagree; it just means that you say what you have to say without being
rude or attacking the personhood of your spouse.
Myth #3
Love means never having to change~
Those of us who have grown up in the self-esteem
culture have been taught since infancy that we are all unique, perfect little
snowflakes designed by God to bless the universe. Self-examination is not a big
part of the self-esteem movement so when someone comes along who does not
affirm our “uniqueness” as perfection our first instinct is to cut them out of
our lives or at the very least ignore their negativity. The Bible teaches that
truth sets us free (John 8:32); and marriage is designed by God to teach us
truth about ourselves. It’s essential
that we face the fact that none of us are perfect and we all need some tweaking
from time to time. One piece of loving another person is demonstrating a
willingness to change the things that are creating conflict in the relationship.
That said, it’s not our place to change our spouses. It’s our task to look at
ourselves honestly and make changes accordingly. If both parties are doing this
on a regular basis conflict will be minimal and you will both be better, more pleasant
people.
Myth #4
The key to success is finding the right
one~
This myth is the stuff of fairy tales and is
at the root of every other lie we believe about marriage. This myth implies
that there is only one person who is suited to you and finding that person is
the key to a blissful union; hard work, personal responsibility and commitment
to growth are not a big part of the “right one” mythology. Some spiritualize
this myth by telling themselves that if they aren’t happy “they didn’t find the
one God had for them”. Anyone who is happily married will tell you that having
a successful marriage is more about being
the right person than finding the
right person. Successful marriages happen because two people are willing to
work through conflict, serve one another, find common ground, and meet each other’s
needs. Compatibility is important and should not be overlooked when making a
choice for a mate, but it is possible to find a person with whom you have
perfect compatibility and still destroy the connection with pettiness, cruelty,
selfishness and disrespect.
I
believe we are at a cultural crossroads. According to the Pew Research Center, four
in ten Americans now believe that the institution of marriage is obsolete. The
answer to this problem is not to scream and yell about the relevancy of marriage.
The answer is to show the world by our actions that with the help of God
marriages can be joyful, satisfying, mutually beneficial and last a lifetime. We
can do this by unlearning lies we have bought into and then modeling, mentoring
and teaching the next generation the truth that marriage matters.
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my
Savior, and my hope is in you all day long~ Psalm 25:5
No comments:
Post a Comment