May he equip you with all you need for doing his will.
May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is
pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen~ Hebrews 13:21 NLT
For me, parenting has been a joy and a
blessing. The experience has been challenging at times but God has used those
challenges to help me grow up and make me a better human being. Even so, there were
a few stages I could have lived without, like the party-all-night-sleep-all-day
newborn phase or the less-than-pleasant “no” stage that all kids seem to go
through around eighteen months.
I wasn’t a big fan of what I call the
pathological liar stage that most boys hit somewhere between three and six, or
the moody years that all girls seem to have between nine and eleven. With the
exception of a few stages I have adored the process of watching my kids grow
and transform before my eyes and as I have watched their transformations I have
eagerly anticipated each and every new stage of their development—except one: the
teenage years.
Alan and I dreaded the teenage years. We
feared them with the kind of blind panic that one might anticipate a root canal
without Novocain or a visit from the IRS. I think part of our fear had to do
with the unknown. The early years of parenting were really good for us and I
think we were reluctant to have those years end. Maybe it was all the horror stories we had
heard from other parents. It’s possible that our anxiety was rooted in a fear
of the law of retribution. We assumed that payback would be huge for misdeeds
during our teen years.
For the most part, our fears were
unfounded. I won’t lie and tell you that it was all rainbows and butterflies,
it wasn’t. But the teen years have had their share of blessings. We’ve made
some mistakes (especially with the first one) and learned some lessons the hard
way but now that we are approaching the finish line with teenager number three
I have some strategies to share with other parents. The first is…
Treat older teens and younger teens
differently~
Younger teens (12-15) are a different
animal altogether from older teens (16-18) and they should be dealt with in a
completely different manner. Younger teens are buckets of frothing hormones that
are often eager to experiment with new behaviors and dangerous peer groups. No
matter how skilled they are at arguing otherwise, they are almost universally lacking
the maturity necessary to make wise decisions and choices. It is essential that
parents supervise this age group carefully while at the same time offering
controlled opportunities for them to build trust and prove their ability to
handle freedom wisely. These are the years when patterns are established. My experience
has been that if you can get a kid through the early teens without
experimenting with drugs, sneaking out of the house, alcohol, or sex they will
be much less likely to try out these behaviors later. Older teens that have
earned trust in the younger years should be given increasing amounts of freedom
and responsibility as rewards for wise behavior.
Know their friends~
A person’s choice of friends does two
things. First, they tell you a great deal about where that person is in life;
people tend to gravitate towards people who are like them. Secondly, friends
can give you a glimpse into a person’s future (Proverbs 22:24-15, 1st
Corinthians 15:33). For these two reasons it is vitally important that parents
know who their kids are hanging out with. Beware of situations where all the
kids in your child’s peer group are a mess. Don’t get sucked into the lie that
your kid is the one kid in that group who is doing just fine. The chances are
pretty good that if they aren’t a mess now they will be if they continue to
spend all their time with kids who have serious problems.
Communicate your reasons for rules and
standards clearly ~
By the time a child reaches the teen years
adulthood is right around the corner. As adults they will be free to do whatever
they please and as a parent you will have little to no input concerning their
choices. One of the most powerful gifts we can give a teen is the gift of
understanding how mature adults think, reason and come to conclusions about
issues. One of the worst habits we can get into with kids is the “because I’m
the parent” line of reasoning. This may work with young children but it builds
resentment with teens, they end up feeling micro-managed and disrespected.
Teens have a right to understand why you have made the rules you have made. I
contend that if you can’t defend a rule or a standard it probably shouldn’t
exist.
Suppress the urge to
make appearance too much of a battle~
Policies concerning appearance should be firm
but minimal. We tried to stick to the basics: clothing had to be clean, modest
and not anti-social in any way (no all black Goth get-ups or questionable
messages on t-shirts or hind-ends). Hair had to be clean and we discouraged
weird dye jobs. We did not allow piercings (except the girls’ ears), tattoos or
gages, but did tell them that once they were completely financially independent
those choices were up to them. We had a few years of hair we didn’t care for and
clothing we thought was ugly but we had energy for other more important battles.
Create a short list
of non-negotiable standards and fight for them~
Respect for our
authority and standards, courtesy towards siblings, church attendance and
reasonably good grades were our list of fixed requirements. Everything else was
open for discussion but even with a list that short we were challenged at least
once on every single one of these issues. One of our kids who had previously
been an honor student let their grades tank to the point of shame in their
freshman year of high school. We determined that those grades were a battle we
were going to win. So we went about the process of stripping the kid of a life
until they got their grades up. It was a long year. At the low point in the
battle the kid had no social life, no TV or computer privileges and nothing in
their room but a bed (I was terrified we’d have to take that away). The kid finally decided that the consequences
of bad grades were worse than the work required to get decent grades and got
all their privileges back. The key with this strategy is to keep the list of
non-negotiable requirements fairly short and limited to the stuff that really
matters. Don’t wear yourself out enforcing things that don’t matter. The truly
important issues are all related to safety, morality, future prospects and
respect.
Teach them that freedom
and responsibility are linked~
For the last fifty
years our culture has championed freedom while shunning personal responsibility
and the results have been tragic. Drug and alcohol abuse is commonplace, the notion
of sexual self-control is a joke to most folks, the term “starter marriage” is
now an accepted expression and many young adults have prolonged adolescence
well into the third decade of life. If we
want Christian kids to have different outcomes we have to link freedom to
responsibility early in life. We do that by giving freedom and privilege in
response to responsible behavior. The
formula should be simple and spelled out: if teens treat their families with
courtesy and respect then they get to have the privilege of a social life, if
they get decent grades they get to drive etc.
Talk to them~
These years are the
home stretch of the parenting marathon and it is imperative that you make the
most of every minute. Spend time
conversing with them and resist the urge to do all the talking. Listen to them,
and hear what they have to say about their perspectives and beliefs. Explain to
them why you believe what you believe and how you came to set standards for
yourself and your family. There will be times when you feel the need to correct
wrong thinking; as much as possible do it in a conversational and respectful
tone. Instead of telling them flat out that they are wrong about a particular
view encourage them to tell you how they came to their conclusion. Make them
reason out their beliefs with you and then tell them how you came to your own
conclusions on the same subject. It will make them think about what they
believe and lay the groundwork for a more adult friendship later on.
Consider college
choices carefully~
After many years of
working with youth I have discovered that a lot of really great parenting can
be completely undone by one year of living on the campus of a secular
university. Secular campuses offer a tempting array of sinful choices and
slick-sounding philosophies that can easily take kids captive (Colossians 2:8).
The kids that seem to have the best spiritual outcomes are the ones who either
live at home while attending a secular school or attend a Christian university.
If you do choose to send your son or daughter to a secular university I
strongly recommend that you get them in touch with a good campus ministry such
as Young Life or Chi Alpha.
Embrace Grace~
The teen years are in
many ways comparable to the toddler years. The kids are bigger and their verbal
skills are far more advanced but many of the challenges are similar. The teen
years are a crazy mix of mistakes, sudden realizations, milestones of maturity,
emotional turmoil and more than a few temper tantrums (from parents as well as
teens). Just as kids fell down as they were learning to walk they will fall
down as they learn to maneuver the world of adult responsibility and morality.
Expect failure, correct it when it happens, curb any urges you have to hold
grudges and quickly embrace forgiveness.
The teen years do not
have to be terrible. They are challenging and at times trying but they are also
a relatively short season in the life of your child. I have learned through
trial and error that with a little work and a lot of prayer they can be the
best most rewarding years of parenting. In the end it all comes down to loving
your kids enough to get involved in their lives, trusting God with their future
and watching the process of growth unfold.
The
living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your
faithfulness~ Isaiah 38:19
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