Only
be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things
your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to
their children after them~ Deuteronomy 4:9
There are a number of unpleasant
indicators that one is getting older. While much of the evidence is painfully
evident in the mirror every morning, there are some more subtle signs that age
is creeping up on you. Like when you realize that novelty is suddenly more
annoying than intriguing and that all the music you liked in high school is now
being played in shopping malls and doctors’ offices.
For my husband and I, the
biggest wake-up call that we were getting older was the day we realized that at
some point we had stopped asking parenting questions. Somehow, at some point,
we had become a source of answers for younger parents.
Several years ago, it became
even more apparent that we were no longer the “cute young couple” when people
started asking us to teach classes specifically on parenting teenagers. The
first time someone asked us to consider teaching such a class I was a little miffed
that they thought I was mature (old) enough to be an authority on the subject. Then I remembered our second child had
graduated from high school and our oldest was of legal drinking age (sigh).
I have since come to terms with
the fact that we are indeed old enough to be teaching on the subject, although we
still haven’t done it. This is mostly due to my personal child-rearing
philosophy. While I believe that there are some specific things parents can do and
not do to help ensure smooth sailing (more or less) through the teen years, I
also believe that success in the teen years hinges almost entirely on the foundation
you laid in early childhood. If you fail to lay a foundation or lay the wrong
one all of the clever techniques in the world won’t make that much difference
in the young adult years. Next week I talk about parenting teens, but first I
need to share what I see as the foundation all parents must lay in the lives of
their children.
Unfortunately, I cannot
guarantee success due to two things every child is born with: freewill and a sin
nature. Because of these variables it is possible to do all the right stuff and
still have a kid who chooses to go their own way, but I can assure you that you
will have a much greater chance of spiritual and ethical success with your
child if you teach and reinforce these six foundational truths:
Respect for authority~ Romans
13:1-7
Respect for every human
authority originates with a healthy respect for parents. Lack of respect for
Mom and Dad often bears unpleasant fruit later in life when disrespect mutates
into rebellion and young people clash with other authority figures including
their friends’ parents, teachers, coaches, police and employers. Kids who
refuse to conform to the wishes of human authority will never submit to the
ultimate authority: God. You can save your child a lifetime of pain and misery
by simply teaching them to obey and that you mean what you say. It is neither
necessary nor helpful to be domineering or harsh with your child as you teach
them these lessons. There must be well thought out and clearly defined consequences
for disobedience and those consequences must ALWAYS be seen through.
Self-control~ Proverbs 25:28
At the root of nearly every societal
ill affecting our world today is a lack of self-control. Violence, vandalism,
thievery, out-of-wedlock births, educational failure and even many marital train
wrecks are all a result of a society where individuals have not learned to
squash their less savory impulses. As Christian parents it is imperative that
we teach our kids that there are some potentially painful consequences for
saying everything you think or following through on every impulse that strikes
you. Kids who learn this lesson early in life are much less likely to bring
sorrow to their parents in the teen years.
Concern for others~ Proverbs
19:17, Ephesians 4:32
I am convinced that empathy, kindness,
and concern for the well being of others are not natural urges to most individuals.
These character traits must be carefully cultivated in kids. We do this through
both modeling and education. Kids will never become what they don’t see. We
model concern for others through volunteering our time, offering monetary help
to the less fortunate and through simple acts of kindness. It is equally
important that we explain to our kids why we are doing these things or they may
grow up believing that kindness and compassion are simply one option to choose
rather than a commanded way of life for Christians. Some of the very best
arguments against dangerous teenage behavior are the effect that behaviors such
as pre-marital sex, drinking, drug use and carousing can have on innocent
bystanders. If kids haven’t been taught to take other peoples’ feelings and
needs into consideration prior to the teen years it is unlikely that they ever
will.
Personal responsibility~ 1st
John 1:8-10
A person who takes personal
responsibility is able to identify their misdeeds and sins and take ownership
for them. Children (and adults) who have never learned to take responsibility
will cast blame on others for their own actions, shift responsibility and
refuse to apologize or make restitution for their screw-ups. If a child makes
it to the teen years with no sense of personal responsibility you will have a
nightmare on your hands. That kid will spend all of their energy trying to
convince you that nothing is their fault. If someone refuses to own blame they
inevitably become stubborn and hostile when confronted with the consequences of
their actions.
Fear God~ Psalm 128:1, Proverbs
1:7
Have you noticed that nobody likes to talk
about fearing God anymore? I think its because it just sounds very old
fashioned and fundamentalist. As antiquated as the fear of God feels to our 21st
century sensibilities, it is still an important concept to teach and embrace. Kids
need to know that there is a God who not only loves them like crazy, but also
demands justice, mercy and right living (Micah 6:8). They also need to
understand that each of us will be accountable to God for our choices (Hebrews
4:13). Embracing these two truths is often
the only thing that keeps our egotism and bad behavior in check, especially
during the self-interest driven teen years.
Biblical knowledge~ Psalm 119:104-106
There are plenty of folks who are hostile
to the Christian faith and if you want to prevent your child from becoming one
of them you need to teach them the basics of the faith and how to defend what
they believe. This is a life-long process that is primarily the responsibility
of the parents, but a good church can be helpful. Look for a church that makes
Bible training a priority for all ages.
One of the weirdest characteristics of the
parenting experience is the feeling you have when your children are small. You
think they will be small forever. It feels like they will always be helpless
and cute. This sense that the hands-on aspect of parenting will last forever
can lull us into believing that we have forever to teach them adult truths. The
reality is very different. Kids grow up in the blink of an eye and the years we
have to influence their character are limited. The earlier you start the easier
it is; but if your kids are still at home it’s not too late to begin the
process of training them to be biblically knowledgeable, compassionate,
self-controlled, Christ-followers. I believe God blesses effort, and the minute
you begin to make the effort the blessings begin.
Train
up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not
depart from it~ Proverbs 22:6
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