Intentional Parenting

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth~ Psalm 127:4

My son Alex has met a girl. More precisely, Alex has rediscovered a girl he’s known for the better part of his life. She’s the daughter of some close family friends and we adore her. She is kindhearted, beautiful, intelligent, and she loves Jesus. I suspect that she may be the long-awaited answer to a whole lot of prayers we have prayed over the years.

It’s been fun to watch their relationship develop and grow. Because they live in different states they have been forced to take it slow and really get to know each other. 

So far all of their “dates” have been Skype dates. These events have included a dessert picnic, tours of their respective homes, group chats with friends and family members, helping one another with homework, a visit to her Pinterest page and some marathon conversations that have lasted into the wee-hours of the night.

It’s been a joy to watch my son begin the process of exploring the possibility of building a life with a woman. They have made some tentative plans, and as they have done so, I have watched their influence over one another grow steadily as our parental influence begins to wane.

Our shrinking influence is good and necessary. Parents were never intended to be their adult children’s principal influencers. That is the responsibility of their spouse (Genesis 2:23-25).

Although I am delighted to see this process taking place it stands as stark reminder of the importance of being intentional with parental influence while you have it.

As I watch my children approach some very grown-up milestones I realize that there are at least five things our kids need to know about life before they leave our sphere of influence.  We did well with some; with others, I sincerely wish we had been more intentional.  They include…

The ability to gain and apply wisdom~ Proverbs 17:15-16, 2^nd Chronicles 1:10, Proverbs 2:11-13

Last year a Florida man killed a teenage boy because the teen refused to turn his music down. The guy’s behavior was and is unpardonable; he is clearly a psycho who has earned himself a lifetime behind bars for killing another human being over something so ridiculous and petty. That said, the teenager should have evaluated the demeanor of the man, noted that he was unstable and turned his music down. If he had done so he would likely still be alive. That’s wisdom. Wisdom often boils down to common sense and good judgment, both of which are becoming much less common. If we want our kids to be wise, we have to talk to them about life frequently and explain the “why” of biblical commands and principals clearly.

The need for careful planning~ Psalm 20:4  

Not every plan we make comes to fruition (James 4:13-14) but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t plan. One of the chief responsibilities of parents is to help kids figure out what their gifts are and then guide them into coming up with a viable strategy for using those gifts to earn a living and glorify God.

The right use of money~ Psalm 15:4-5, Matthew 6:24, 1^st Timothy 6:10

Beginning at a young age kids need to be taught that money is a tool. If it is used wisely, money can help to ensure a stable and happy life, benefit others and glorify God. If money is used unwisely in a greedy, selfish or wasteful manner it will ruin a person. Kids should be given opportunities to earn money and parents should observe how their kids spend, save and give their money, and tailor their instruction towards a child’s natural bent. If a child is naturally stingy they should be taught to give; if a child is wasteful with their resources they should be shown the value of saving; and so on.

Relationship skills~ Romans 14:9-11, 1^st Timothy 5:1-2, Proverbs 21:19, Ephesians 5:21, Ephesians 5:25

Relationship skills are all about dealing with people in a way that is wise, forgiving, considerate and gracious. Skill in this one area will likely determine success in every area of a child’s life.  Good relationship skills start with learning to treat family members and friends with respect and dignity and learning to make people feel important and cared for.

The need for community~ Proverbs 27:10, Hebrews 10:23-25

A lot has been written about the need for accountability in the church in recent years. Authentic accountability grows out of community. Without a growing, thriving community, accountability is impossible to maintain. Authentic Christian community is fostered through intentional friendships, transparency and a willingness to let people into your world. Church is the place for Christians to build community. It’s vital that parents model community and make church attendance a priority.

When kids are young it seems as if the child-rearing years will go on indefinitely.  It feels like you will have all the time in the world to teach your kids everything they need to know to be the people you hope they will become. Before you know it, those cute little people are no longer little and they are busy making plans that include wedding cakes and kids of their own.

Being intentional is tough when you are in the trenches of parenting little ones. Every day can become about endurance and making it to bedtime, when you can get a brief reprieve from the never-ending chaos and get to enjoy a few precious moments of silence. As tough as life can be while parenting young kids, it’s essential to use those years wisely and plant some seeds in the lives of the kids God has entrusted you with.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom~ Psalms 90:12