My
son, obey your father’s commands, and
don’t neglect your mother’s instruction. Keep their words always in your heart.
Tie them around your neck. When
you walk, their counsel will lead you~ Proverbs 6:20-22
A
while back I was having coffee with a friend and the subject of teens and dating
came up. Her oldest is a thirteen-year-old girl with many friends who have
started dating. This attractive young lady has several boys who are interested
in her and one unrelenting question for her Mom and Dad…
“When
do I get to date?”
My
friend feels a bit blindsided by this issue. She’s not sure how she feels about
Christian kids dating, but feels the courtship model would be a bit unworkable
and unrealistic in her family’s situation. The only thing she is sure of is
that thirteen is far too young for her daughter to date.
She asked for my thoughts and I agreed
that thirteen is far too young for a teen to date. Early dating is a bad deal
because it distracts teens from the urgent task of preparing for the adult
world. Early dating also invites sexual temptation at a point in their lives
when they lack the wisdom and ability to deal with temptation sensibly.
I also agreed that courtship (a popular
Christian dating alternative) has some serious drawbacks. Success is partially
dependent on location: If you do not live in an area with a large number of
like-minded people, the courtship model can severely limit one’s choices of a
marriage partner. I feel it’s very important to have a lot of buy-in on the
courtship method before you impose it on your kids. Young adults who are not
completely sold on the concept of courtship can end up with a sense of having
been bullied or coerced into selecting a particular mate by their parent.
Coercion is certainly not the feeling I want
my adult children to experience as they walk down the aisle. Marriage is the single
greatest commitment they will ever make to another human being in this life.
Neither is coercion something I want them to accuse me of when the going gets
tough in their marriage; and at some point the going will get tough. It always
does.
My friend wanted to know what our rules were
when the kids were dating. I had to be honest and tell her that we had very few
rules where dating was concerned, but we did have some standards. We were
pretty upfront with our kids about three realities in our home…
Dating is not a right~
Dating is a privilege tied to
responsibility. When my daughter was twelve I overheard her telling a friend
that she would be able to date when she was sixteen. After her friend left I informed
her that she had assumed too much. She would not under any circumstances be
permitted to date before sixteen, but sixteen was not a magical age that
ensured her the right to date. She would be allowed to date suitable boys if
and only if she was living her life in a responsible fashion. Our definition of
a responsible life included good grades, healthy friendships, willing church
involvement and a respectful attitude.
Don’t expect to date alone~
One of the dumbest things American parents
have bought into is the ridiculous notion that teenagers need lots and lots of
privacy to explore relationships. They don’t. It only takes one unsupervised
afternoon for them to severely limit their future and for you to become a freakishly
youthful grandparent. They do need lots of supervised opportunities to get an
idea of how the other person interacts with the most important people in their
lives. They also need to know how that person behaves in social situations. Our
kids were rarely alone with any member of the opposite sex. Instead, we had our
kids’ dates into our home for movie nights, took them to church with us and out
to nice dinners. We included them on picnics, trips to amusement parks and the
lake, zoos and even a few out-of-town trips.
The entire purpose of dating is to find a
spouse~
For that reason we were very clear that
dating a person or continuing to date someone you can’t see yourself married to
is a form of dishonesty, as well as a complete waste of time. We talked to our
kids a lot about what kind of person they wanted to be with when dating
opportunities arose. These conversations ruled out about seventy-five percent
of the potential dates.
Our kids accepted all of these standards
because we set them when they were very young. Communication is the key to
successfully set dating standards with kids, and the earlier the better. In my
view, six is not too early to begin the process of discussing family dating
standards. Many six-year-olds are already beginning to have questions about
dating and boy-girl relationships.
It’s inevitable that kids will begin the
process of exploring relationships with the opposite sex. Making the dating
years enjoyable for everyone depends on good communication, solid relationships
with your teens and standards that allow them the freedom to get know people
while keeping their purity intact.
Don’t
let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all
believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and
your purity~ 1st Timothy
4:12
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