Marriage should be
honored by all, and the marriage
bed kept pure~ Hebrews 13:4
There are two kinds of people in
this world: those who are good at math and those who are not. I fall squarely
into the second category. My aversion to everything math-related could quite
possibly be classified as some sort of neurosis or phobia. When faced with a
complex math problem I can actually feel my brain overheating, seizing up and
shutting down like an oil-deprived engine. I will do virtually anything short
of sin to avoid any sort of math-related activity.
The one exception to my firm no-math policy is
statistics. It’s the only type of math I can tolerate, maybe because it’s
easily applicable to real life. Last week I ran across a statistic that
captured my interest. Researchers from the
Gottman Institute learned that not
only do forty percent of marriages end in divorce, but half of the couples that
stay married report being unhappy in their relationship.
It was the gloomiest news I have heard in a
very long time. Half of all people that
DO NOT divorce claim to be miserable in the most significant human relationship
a person can have. It’s no wonder our society has so many issues with road rage
and alcohol abuse.
The study went on to explain that
there are two behaviors that appear to offer protection against both divorce
and marital misery: kindness and generosity. Personal experience has proven the
research to be true. Kindness and generosity are indeed vital to a healthy,
happy marriage. No sensible person wants to be married to a malicious
skinflint.
As important as kindness and generosity are in
a mate, they are not the only behaviors that contribute to a couple’s long-term
happiness. Kindness and generosity are traits that grow out of other even more
vital attitudes and behaviors. Kindness and generosity will never take root in
a relationship that is lacking in other key areas, including:
Respect- 1st Peter
2:17, Ephesians 5:33, 1st Peter 3:7
Respect means to hold a person in
high esteem. Respect is real when it’s shown by giving honor and by openly
displaying admiration and appreciation for what your spouse does and who they
are as a person. Respect is at the heart of all healthy adult relationships. No
other positive behavior will flourish over the long haul in a marriage that is
lacking in mutual respect.
Loyalty- Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew
19:9
Loyalty is about more than just
sexual fidelity. Loyalty is also about how we choose to speak about our spouse
in front of other people and how we treat our spouse in both public and private.
Loyalty is linked to our priorities concerning time, outside relationships and
even how we spend money.
Cooperation- Ephesians 5:21
Sometimes it’s called teamwork or
collaboration. The Bible calls it mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21). Whatever
you call it, marriages fail when it’s missing. Cooperation is the unwavering
commitment to work together on things and pull in the same direction.
Cooperation comes down to our willingness to give up a little bit of what we
want, or think we need, for the good of the other person and the health of the
relationship.
Forgiveness- Mark 11:25,
Ephesians 4:32
One fact you can count on in this
world is that people, even the best people, will inevitably disappoint and fail
you. But it’s okay because you will undoubtedly end up disappointing and
failing other people. At one time or another we are all disappointing failures.
The key to making a relationship work between two imperfect people is the daily
commitment to forgive and let go.
Selflessness- Philippians 2:1-5,
1st Peter 4:10, Romans 12:3
We live in a time and a place
when self-centeredness has, for all intents and purposes been enshrined as a
virtue. We are constantly encouraged to
“consider your own needs” and “focus on what makes you happy.” The Bible gives
an entirely different set of messages, including: “consider yourself with sober judgment,” “do not think more highly of yourself than
you ought,” and “serve rather than be served.” Nowhere do these messages matter
more than in marriage.
One of the things I like about
statistics is that, unlike other forms of math, they are not fixed. A statistic
can be changed. The gloomy state of some marriages does not have to be
permanent. I am convinced that any marriage can be a happy marriage. Respect,
loyalty, cooperation, forgiveness, selflessness, kindness and generosity are
the behaviors that define and comprise love. When these behaviors become
standard operating procedure in a marriage, the people in that marriage cannot
help but be happy.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure,
they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of
our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind,
forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins~ 1st
Peter 1:8-9 NIV
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