It is painful to be the
parent of a fool; there is no joy for the father of a rebel~ Proverbs 17:21 NLT
Parenting
is a tough gig, but some of the most beautiful moments of my life have come
through experiences with my children.
I remember all the firsts with each of my
babies. The first sloppy wet kiss, the first steps, the first words and the
very first time each of them said “I wuv you” in their sweet little toddler
voices.
Twelve years after the fact I still laugh out loud when I think of the
day my daughter Abigail found some baby teeth on my dresser. She asked me
outright if I was Tooth Fairy. Because I didn’t believe in prolonging fanciful thinking
in children, I admitted to her that I was indeed the Tooth Fairy.
She
stared at me, her blue eyes wide with awestruck wonder as she murmured reverently,
“That is so cool. I knew you were special.” It took me nearly thirty minutes to
convince her that I was not the actual Tooth Fairy for the entire world.
All warm fuzzies aside, parenting is still
a tough job. The hours are horrible. Working conditions are appalling and often
include vomit, boogers and other bodily fluids. You pay out the wazoo to
do the job, vacations are a joke and in the early years it often feels as you
are working for the kids and that your employers are quite possibly insane.
I felt like the little nut-jobs were
nearly always irrational about something. They were either stuck in a
compulsive rut of some sort or impulsively changing their minds about every
little thing.
By far the toughest aspect of the
parenting gig is not really knowing until it’s too late whether or not you did
the job well. The proof of success or failure doesn’t show up for years, and
every kid is different. The right approach with one child may be completely
wrong with another.
As my husband and I begin round four of
parenting a pre-teen, I have found myself reflecting on our earlier parenting
experiences. I have been trying to figure out, once again, the best approach to
parenting this unique little human that God has seen fit to bring into our
home.
All of this reflecting has got me thinking
about mistakes. Not just the ones we made with individual kids (and there were
plenty) but the mistakes that are always mistakes, regardless of the child’s
temperament or personality (we made a few of those too). I came up with a list
of twenty-two mistakes parents make with their kids. Twenty-two seemed a bit
excessive so I narrowed it down to ten. I will be sharing the five mistakes
parents tend to make with younger kids this week and the five that are most
common with older kids next week.
This first is…
Allowing our kids to be the center of
attention all the time
Recently a friend told me a harrowing tale
of the most tedious night of her life. The evening began innocently enough at
the home of a family with several pre-school age children. During the meal they
feasted on kid-friendly foods while the children chattered non-stop about their
toys, pets, friends and favorite television shows. The parents made no attempts
to steer the conversation in a more mature direction. Immediately following
dinner the kids’ performed a play for the adults. Mom and Dad quietly served
dessert during the entertainment portion of the evening. After the play my
friend and her husband fully expected there would be some adult conversation. Instead,
they were subjected to a parade of toys and were expected to ooh and aah over
each treasure presented. The kid-centric nightmare might have gone on all night
but my friend wisely feigned a headache and made a hasty exit.
Sensible people understand that kids need
appropriate attention and affection from their parents to develop properly.
They do not need to think that every stage is theirs or to believe that they
are the center of the universe. Allowing kids to be the center of attention all
the time teaches them that their needs and wants should always take priority
over everybody else’s needs and wants. When parents propagate this sort of
selfishness it creates a fast track for narcissism (a growing problem) to
develop. Selfishness is natural in children and will persist into adulthood if
they are not taught to consider the needs of others. The first step in teaching
kids to care for others is helping them to understand that they are not always
the most important person in the room.
Believing our kids are faultless
The difference between good parents and
bad parents is pretty basic. Good parents understand that all kids tell lies,
blow off their homework, talk back to adults, behave selfishly, break stuff,
make bad decisions and hurt other kids. Bad parents think only other people’s kids
do those things. In my experience, the kids who are best behaved around adults
are often horrible little manipulators when alone with other children. If your
kid is frequently the center of drama but fails to take responsibility for
problems, you may need to do a little investigating. No kid is that perfect.
Tolerating disrespect and rudeness
Parents today worry a great deal about
something previous generations of parents cared nothing about: their kids
“having a voice” and “being heard.” Many are convinced that the worst thing
that can happen to a child is to have their opinions or feelings stifled for
even a moment. So they allow their
children to speak to people in any way they wish with no regard for the
feelings of others. It’s important for parents to create an environment where
kids feel safe when sharing their needs and feelings. It’s just as important to
teach them to be respectful towards others, choose their words wisely and do so
in a polite tone of voice.
Making childhood too sweet
Prior to about 1980 good parents believed
that childhood should suck just a little bit. These parents were not usually
mean or abusive. Nor were good parents terribly accommodating. Back in those
days kids did unpleasant chores without pay, ate food they didn’t care for from
time to time and went to bed without a lot of drama and coddling. Candy and
toys were considered “treats” and were only given out at birthdays, holidays
and on other special occasions. Kids spoke politely to teachers they didn’t like
and watched television shows their parents enjoyed. In general, kids did what
they were told or paid a consequence for their disobedience. The net effect of
this treatment was that kids didn’t feel special all the time, but they did
want to grow up. They were eager to enter the adult world and take on extra
responsibility so they could make their own decisions and have things their way
sometimes. Our current cultural epidemic of young people who wish to stay
children forever makes me think it’s about time we had a revival of slightly
sucky childhoods.
Failing to live in the here and now
There are two dangers in allowing our thoughts
to dwell on the hazy what-ifs of the future. The first is easily recognizable:
we miss out on the joy and wonder of right now. Any parent of a graduating
senior will tell you with tears in their eyes that the parenting years fly by.
It’s a shame to spend even one minute of those years dwelling on a future no
one can possibly know or control. The other danger is less obvious but far more
dangerous. Constantly worrying about vague what-ifs can cause us to miss
character issues in our kids that need addressing right now.
The goal of parenting is not to raise good
children but rather to raise responsible, virtuous, caring adults who long to
glorify God with their lives. Reaching that goal is a long process, and every
parent makes mistakes along the way. Some mistakes are tragic and character-defining
if left unchecked. Character-defining mistakes include allowing selfishness, an
entitlement mentality, lack of gratitude or a disregard for other people to
take root in a child’s heart.
It’s important to remember that a mistake
is only the end of the world if we refuse to humble ourselves and change
course. As long as a child is in our
home and under our authority it is not too late to begin the process of
correcting parenting errors.
Children
are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born
to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver
is full of them! Psalm 127:3-5 NLT
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