For this reason a man will
leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer
two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one
separate~ Mark 10:7-9
I love weddings, and it’s not just because
I’m a female, a hopeless romantic, or a big fan of cake. I’m not. Well,
actually two of those statements are demonstrably true. I am female and my love
of cake is practically legendary, but I’m a bit too practical to be considered
anything even remotely close to a hopeless romantic. It’s not the romance that
gets me at weddings; it’s the atmosphere.
Weddings are some of the happiest, most
hopeful events on earth. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a modest little celebration
or a grand affair. The air at a wedding radiates a joyful sense of optimism and
anticipation. Everyone in attendance is there to celebrate their faith in the
bright and happy future of the bride and groom. It’s impossible to be unhappy
in that sort of atmosphere.
Last weekend my husband and I attended an exceptionally
joyful wedding celebration. The bride and groom have known each other since
junior high school and conducted their relationship with integrity. Both of
their families have done a fantastic job of passing on a rich heritage of faith
and stability to their children and grandchildren. The evening was a sweet
celebration of past legacy, present relationship and future hope.
On our way home Alan and I reminisced
about our own wedding and some of the weddings we have attended through the
years. We’ve been to a lot of weddings in the last twenty-five years. A good
number of those marriages have had happy endings. But some that looked like
they should have worked didn’t, and some that appeared doomed from the outset
have been highly successful and very happy.
Alan and I were one of those couples with
a sketchy start that has defied the odds. Ours was not an auspicious beginning.
We were both young and kind of stupid when it came to relationships. I was a
new believer from an un-churched family with some serious substance abuse
problems. Alan came from a more stable family but had recently come out of a
very messy lifestyle and had only very recently recommitted his life the Lord.
To top it off we were flat broke, had no assets between us and were woefully
unprepared for life in the real world.
Recalling our shaky start got me thinking about
why some couples last and others don’t. Most would agree that compatibility is
important to a lasting marriage. Financial security can certainly make things
easier. Shared interests, common values and similar backgrounds are all
important, and yet there are many who begin their marriages with all those benefits
and still don’t make it.
I have concluded that there are four
simple and yet often overlooked components necessary to make a marriage work
long-term. The first is…
Kindness~ Ephesians 4:32
The best advice my husband and I were ever
given regarding marriage was so candid that it was easy to miss the profound
wisdom. An older couple told us in the receiving line after our wedding to
“just be nice to each other.” She then added: “Everything always works out fine
if you are nice to each other.” It’s true. If you commit to speaking kindly to
each other and giving your spouse the same level of respect you give your
closest friends and coworkers, everything really will work out fine.
Physical Connection~ 1st
Corinthians 7:3-4
Yes, I mean exactly what you think I mean.
IT is incredibly important to maintaining a lasting bond. If you want to stay
married and happy, don’t neglect the
physical.
Compromise~ Ephesians 5:21
Compromise is all about concession, cooperation,
negotiating and finding the middle ground. These are not always easy concepts
to wrap our minds around in our “it’s all about me” culture. Healthy compromise
is about figuring out what is best for the relationship itself, not just the
individuals involved. In happy marriages nobody gets what they want all the
time; everybody gets what they want sometimes, and no one ever keeps score.
Character~ Romans 5:3-4
Character is an almost indefinable quality
of a person’s nature that produces an inclination to do and endure tough stuff.
Character may be difficult to define but it’s easy to see. When character is
missing in one or members of a relationship, it becomes painfully obvious very
quickly. People with character humbly work through problems; people without it
bail out at the first sign of suffering or discord. Men and women with
character are able to set aside temporary feelings of unhappiness because they
see and understand the bigger picture of legacy and relationship. The good news
regarding character is that it can be developed. Doing the hard thing when it
sucks and sticking with relationships when we don’t feel like it is painful,
but it develops character.
Anyone
who has actually been married knows that marriages are very different from weddings.
Weddings focus on the celebration of love and the melding of two families into
one. Marriages only work when you put all that love you feel on the wedding day
into action and apply grace to real life situations.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres~ 1st Corinthians 13:4-7
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