For by the grace given to me
I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an
exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober
judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him~
Romans 12:3 Amplified Version
The American Freshman survey is an annual study
of incoming college freshmen; the survey covers attitudes and perceptions of
college students. Over the last 47 years approximately 9 million students have
participated in the survey. The findings of the most recent survey were,
well…um… interesting.
The survey found that while the measurable
skill level of students has decreased dramatically in recent years, students’ feelings about their skill levels (in
writing, social ability, leadership ability and intellectual aptitude) have
risen exponentially. Essentially, what
was learned from this study is that young adults today are seriously lacking in
key areas but they feel really good about themselves. For those of you who are confused:
this is a very, very, bad thing.
Experts have expressed concern that students
surveyed display indications of narcissistic personality disorder. This manifests
itself in failing to care about other people's feelings and needs, taking
advantage of others, feeling superior, a strong sense of entitlement,
relationship difficulties, fragile self-esteem, expressing disdain for those
they feel are inferior and believing that they are special. People
with narcissistic personality disorders often have a complete lack of empathy
for others.
At this point you may be wondering why a
blog that is dedicated to spiritual issues would bother with a survey of college
students and their bloated egos. The reason is two-fold. First, the students
who participated in this study are guilty of a spiritual offense: pride. Secondly,
these attitudes are not manifesting themselves out of thin air; they were sown
into these young people by well-meaning parents and educators.
Pride is a serious sin with serious consequences:
Scripture teaches that it is a character trait God has a real problem with
(Proverbs 8:13), it is at the root of fights and quarrels (Proverbs 13:10), it is
a quality common amongst criminals (Psalms 73:5-7) and pride is the ultimate cause
of self-destruction (Proverbs 16:18).
I want to clearly state that I don’t think
that every college student with a bloated ego is a narcissistic, quarrelsome
criminal; nor do I believe that self-destruction is a given. People can mature
and change. That said, this study reveals an alarming problem that has serious
consequences for the future of our society. The students of today are the leaders
of the future. The notion of being led, in my golden years, by a nation of
narcissists who have no concern for others, is unsettling.
Parenting is a spiritual issue
(Deuteronomy 4:10, 6, Proverbs 20:7, Colossians 3:20) that has long-term spiritual
and societal consequences. I am an optimist; I believe that if parents of young
children make changes in their parenting styles now, our society may be saved
from a horrible fate in the future. Following are some tips for raising kids
who care…
Teach your children to fear God~ Proverbs
9:10
Fearing God has fallen hopelessly out of
fashion. It’s trendier to speak about the love of God than the fear of God. Our
kids need to know that there is a God who demands justice, mercy and right
living (Micah 6:8). They also need to understand that each of us will be
accountable to God for our choices (Hebrews 4:13). Understanding these two truths is often the
only thing that keeps our self-interest and bad behavior in check.
Encourage gratitude and giving~ Colossians
2:6-7
When kids are mindful of their blessings it produces
a desire to bless others. When kids learn to give rather than take they start
to look outside of themselves and become more caring people. When my two oldest
were young they went through an ugly phase of discontent. We only had one TV
and no gaming system, our computer was lame and they only got new toys at
Christmas and birthdays (it was truly tragic stuff). I was certain my kids were
hopeless ingrates. A clever friend
suggested that I get them involved in a helping ministry. We started volunteering
at a food bank and in short order my kids had brand-new attitudes. Being
exposed to kids who were excited to get a day-old cake or a box of macaroni and
cheese did wonders for their perspectives.
Teach your child to deal graciously with
disappointment~ Philippians 4:11-12
I am not a fan of the “everybody gets a
trophy” philosophy of parenting. In my view it has produced a generation of
infantile young adults who can’t lose with dignity or deal with hardship
appropriately. Kids should not always be shielded from the fact that life is
sometimes hard (use wisdom with this one). Losing a game is an age-appropriate
way to teach this truth. If we want our kids to grow into productive adults
they must learn to recover from difficulties with a measure of grace.
Teach empathy~ Romans 12:15-16, Matthew
9:36
Empathy is the ability to identify with
other’s feelings and respond to them in a compassionate manner. It’s important
to model this skill. It’s even more essential to teach it. Most children (and
many adults) are so self-focused that they must be taught to think about situations
from the perspective of others. I have a child who went through a phase where
they got irritated with anyone who was slow and deliberate in their actions
(i.e. anyone old). I sat down with this child and explained in child-like terms
the physiology of old people. I also informed them that they too would be old
someday (that was a shocker!) and asked them how they would feel if they heard
a child talking about them the way they were talking about older people. The
child is now a young adult who is very respectful and compassionate towards
older people but they had to be taught to behave that way. Compassion and
empathy are not always natural behaviors to a fallen people.
Make respect the rule in your home~ 1st
Peter 2:17
When our kids were young my husband and I
made the decision not to allow disrespect or back talk. We allowed one appeal
to our decisions and then the kids were expected to abide by our verdicts; they
didn’t have to like them but they had to respect them. We did not allow
name-calling or mean-spirited teasing either. Apparently, this was a counter-cultural
parenting decision. Well-meaning friends and relatives assured us that our kids
would be emotionally crippled by the limitations we placed on their speech. I’m pleased to report that the kids are young
adults and they are all just fine. The Bible is very clear that respect for
others including those in authority is an essential aspect of a functioning
family, society or organization, (Leviticus 19:3, 32, Proverbs 13:13, Romans
13:7, Ephesians 5:33, Hebrews 12:9, 1st Peter 3:7). Respect, like empathy, must be taught because
it’s not a natural inclination.
These five tips are in no way a
comprehensive strategy to raising healthy caring adults, they are a good
starting place. I believe with all my heart that truth is both caught and
taught. If you teach a truth but don’t live it, your kids will see the incongruity
and know that you are a hypocrite. If you model truth without giving instruction,
you are running the risk that your children will never be perceptive enough to
“catch-it”.
The
cultural reality we are living in today is in part the fruit of millions of individual
parenting decisions and choices. If we want a different culture tomorrow we
must start making different parenting choices today.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest
if we do not give up~ Galatians 6:9
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